Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

You sound like the black sheep of the family, the one they dump all their baggage on. Maybe they are inherently selfish and hate buying gifts for everyone because it doesn’t benefit them. They wouldn’t dare do it to your siblings for whatever reason, but you aren’t valued as much so it’s fine to do it to you.

If they haven’t spoken to you in 3 months, well, let them carry on. My mum was like this (we are completely NC now, haven’t seen her in 7 years). If I said anything that challenged or displeased her, it would be silent treatment for 3-4 months. Then she’d pop back up cheery as could be telling me all about her holidays and redecorating some room in the house, as if she hadn’t been ignoring me for a good chunk of the past year.

Also sometimes people make things about money when it’s not about money. If you ask my mum why we don’t speak, it’s because I’m money grabbing and tried to blackmail her out of a substantial amount of money (in the amount of multiples of £100k!) and cut her off from her grandchildren. This is not at all the truth. The real reason is because she put my children in a position of extreme risk with a known child predator. But she will never admit or talk about the real reason. Adult children who are grabby with money is a well worn narrative. People nod along with sympathy when she trots out that story I bet. Because she couldn’t tell the true story. Your parents probably can’t either.

It must be a reason.
My ex PIL were the same, they bought cruises for my BIL and his girlfriend, expensive watches, jewellery. My kids used to receive weird "gifts" - pack of nuts, etc.
Turned out my FIL was not a real father for my husband so he simply didn't want to "fund" someone's son and grandkids.

Do you have the same dad as your sisters? A friend is treated like you are in relation to siblings and she thinks it’s because she has a different father.

I’m in a slightly different position which stems from my older sister being jealous of me since I was born and by mother being scared of her so had to treat her well but doesn’t have the strength to realise her treating me badly hurts me. Another thought.

Wow, this sounds like they are deliberately making a point with your children. I cant even begin to imagine what is going on in their heads but there is clearly something. Looks like you and your kids have been made into some sort of a scape goats? Their "money grabbing" comment kind of explains it - but why would they be fine with spending money on your siblings?

I would not make any attempt at talking to them, they sound toxic and nasty. NC.

This sounds terrible but there simply has to be more to this story?! Unless they are awful people, there is just no way they would say they won’t be buying your kids gifts and continue to buy for your sisters kids. Also going suddenly NC with you is weird. Do they dislike your partner? Have any of the kids ever done anything terrible to them? Are you a stepchild? There MUST be more….

WTF did I just read...

Thank you. It was difficult.

Sometimes there is nothing more than a comment or a remark that has been blown out of proportion. Toxic people dont need much to fuel their fire...

This must be so hurtful OP and you're entitled to feel how you do! This whole situation says more about your parents and your sisters than it does about you, I'd stop expecting any of them to be reasonable and just focus on your little family.

Even if they are fed up with op to take it out on the gc and treat them different to their cousins is way out of order. Not the children's fault.

You are very rude no wonder kids are rude these days when they are being taught 50p isnt enough,

Have you outright asked whst you have done to upset them?

I think I would have the big argument with parents about why they treat you and your children differently from your sisters and their children.

There is nothing to be gained by being hurt and saying nothing, so get the whole thing out in the open.

You may get an answer, you may not, but I think you need to speak your truth to your parents.

I can’t imagine this will lead to an epiphany from your parents and they start to treat you well again, but at least you will have used your voice.

I would step away from all of your family - stop expecting anything from them and don’t be prepared to help your parents when they get older and more needy. Their treatment of you and your DC has been horrible.

Your parents and sisters are being really nasty to you. What toxic behaviour.

I would keep your distance and have no further contact with them. Its not fair for your children to witness such toxic behaviour.

I very much doubt you will ever find out why they treat you so differently but it might be worth talking it through with a counsellor as this cant be very nice for you!

If she is treated like this why would she ? And if she doesn’t have the £ to either? Why would parents of children with their own kids expect to be treated like that? If the parents actually had an honest conversation for once it would all be resolved? Lack of communication on all sides.

Did they do a lot of childcare for you and not your sisters?

They do not sound reasonable people to me. If something did happen 6 years ago it’s obviously something that someone has just decided is an issue when objectively it likely isn’t. They haven’t been explicit about what it is and unless you’ve committed some heinous crime it’s hard to think of anything that justifies their behaviour. I’m surprised at your sisters too, why are they not speaking out? Giving you a bill for taking your children out and not buying them presents when they are for the other GC is just cruel. Because whatever beef they may have with you, its got nothing to do with them. I think all you can do is step away from all their nonsense. Protect your DC from it. Consider therapy also to unpack things. There’s likely lots you accepted as ‘normal’ that really isn’t. Take care.

There is definitely somwthing off about their behaviour.

My parents released some of my inheritance to help me buy my home when dd's dad and I split up, but when my sister (and nc with her) moved to a bigger house they gave her the same amount to help with that so all fair etc.

You say things changed 6 years ago, what happened around that time?

Thay was actually very rude of your husband. Good for your FiL!

Have you always been treated as the family scapegoat?

To clarify about the petrol I didn’t ask them to! They wanted to take dc out use my car as it was bigger and had the car seats in. It was just under half full but my dad always prefers at least half a tank so they topped it up !

The clear favouritism here would unfortunately be making me go no contact 😔

OP didn't expect her parents to pay for petrol.

You find it totally normal for grandparents to invoice their child for taking their grandchildren out? That is completely bizarre. Most grandparents love treating their gc and wouldn't dream of asking for repayment.

I was treated differently, not badly but it felt like I had more rules ? They said I had to show a good example as I was so much older and to help more , things like that and it was always equal at Christmas etc and really up until 6 years ago this is what’s so confusing

Given their political sympathies, your crime was probably something outrageous like accepting that black people have a right to be in the UK.