New boyfriend asking about my plans

[Merkse]

So I really made some massive changes in 2026. I ended an unhappy relationship with my ex fiance. Lost 30 pounds (no glp 1) and just found my spark. I socialise so much more now and go out a few times each week in London where I work. I have a completely new group of girlfriends. I’m 29.

I very recently started a new relationship. And we get on amazingly. We both commute into London for work but live in different commuter towns. We had our first argument today. I was walking to drinks when he FaceTimed and asked what I was doing. He always starts our convos this way so maybe I find it triggering. I told him “look you have to stop this. I feel like you’re my dad”. I want to volunteer the information not feel obliged to tell him what I’m doing. He said im being weird and over reacting.

Who is right? I’m really not if this is going to work

Yikes. Hopefully he's rethinking this. I'd be gutted if he was my son.

You need to be single for longer.

It’s quite weird that you needed us to know that you lost 30lb without a GLP1.

OP I don’t think you overreacted. I would hate this too. I was in a very controlling relationship for a very long time though. But it could be the way that he’s asking is in a checking up kind of way, only you know that and that’s how it felt to you and that’s how you experienced it. So that’s valid! You told him you didn’t like it and it’s on him to change that.

You have a problem with him asking? I ask my friends what they're doing, and they me! And you have to say you lost the weight without GLPs? Honestly he's not the unreasonable one.

You're being (as your new boyfriend and most of the PP are recognising) waay too sensitive and reading far too much into innocuous normal conversation. At the start and throughout any healthy relationship partners want to share their lives with each other. Don't you want to know how and what he's doing? How do either of you make any plans to do things together if you can't interrogate each other about when you're free or what you like doing? How would you prefer him to initiate a call with you? Do you not ever ask him about his day or plans or anything that was going on in his life? If you're reading his interest in you as something sinister, perhaps you need some counselling or therapy before embarking on a new relationship.

Yes I thought that. Why mention it?

I agree with others and feel like you have overreacted. Are you ready to be in a relationship just now? It seems like you want to be free and enjoy yourself without feeling tied down.

So weird to say you lost weight without glp. So what? It's totally irrelevant.

I see exactly why you feel this way and can relate based on my own terrible past relationship. I don't think he is asking to monitor you, I think it's just his thing that he says to start the conversation.

Due to your past relationship sounding traumatic, you are now hypervigilant to signs of control/abuse, and his repeated "what are you doing" is being perceived as a potential threat. Your brain is just trying to keep you safe by ensuring you don't allow that behaviour again and avoid what it perceives as danger/a threat.

Sadly, when we go through these horrible experiences/relationships, this protective mechanism is in overdrive and is only effective up until a certain point. Past that point it typically causes you to self-sabotage. This is that point. You know the guy, you have said he seems great, not controlling etc. Try to reassure yourself that he is not trying to surveillance your life, he is not your ex, when this happens. Also have a chat with him just to explain this a bit (don't need to go into detail) and figure out something else he can say instead. I prefer people to say i.e. "hi, you okay?" And then I'll proceed to say "yes, just doing this...". I also really dislike being asked specifically "what are you doing" but have managed to control my reaction to it as I understand it is my responsibility to manage my own trauma and emotions/reactions in these scenarios (it took a while to come to terms with).

It's so sad how enduring abuse and control for so long changes our brains like this. It is something I feel I will struggle with forever. I don't think you're being unreasonable to think like this due to what you went through, it is expected. It would be unreasonable to expect him to walk on eggshells around you or to assume everything he does it abuse. Just take it slow, communicate with him. And a big bloody well done for turning yourself and your life around!

I don't think I've ever in my life had a facetime or phone call that didn't start with hiya you ok? yeah, what u up too?

Tf do you want him to ask you ?

If you don't want to be with someone who wants to hear about your day or asks what you're up to because they can hear you're outside walking somewhere then you don't want to be with anyone at all, really.

It’s makes them feel superior.

Agree. I also spent a long time in a controlling relationship.

Ignore all the people posting that he’s doing nothing wrong. They have no idea of the tone. If your gut is telling you it’s wrong, listen to it.

I tell my DP what I’m up to but he never rings me and asks. I don’t think I’d like it.

I ask friends what they are up to, via message, as a conversation opener, because I’m genuinely interested, (nosey!), to connect, and to check if it’s convenient to chat. Maybe it’s that? Or maybe you have a gut feeling, in which case, trust it.

You seem to be assuming he’s asking you for granular detail, but there doesn’t seem to be any evidence he is. I mean, isn’t it the equivalent of ‘How’re you doing today?’

At 29 with a new group of girlfriends and going out lots in London, I would just advise you to be single and enjoy dating and seeing what the world has to offer! You’re so young and 29 is such a fun time to be a woman in London! Absolutely no need to settle down with a new guy. Listen to your heart which seems to be telling you it wants you to be free and have fun!

I can’t even understand how you’d have a conversation without asking what the other person was up to.

There’s a big difference between ‘are you free this weekend?’ or ‘have you got anything nice planned this weekend?’ and someone ringing several times a day asking what you’re doing. We don’t know which it is.

He is making conversation. It’s perfectly normal

'a run through of plans'

Well no one answers a question with that anyway, they'll just say 'Im out with Sarah at the moment - what about you'

YABU to say (no glp1)

But if he starts the conversation that way he's not particularly wanting you to give a granular run down of everything you're doing.

It's a conversation starter in the same way that "how are you?" doesn't require you to give a blow by blow account of your health.

Tell him what you're up to if you're happy to share; talk about something else if you'd prefer.

Perfectly normal question to ask someone, if you find it triggering then you need to work on you, if you don’t want to disclose what you are doing then should you really be in a relationship just now?

Aren't they? Using effort and willpower to not eat as many calories and avoid excessive food intake as opposed to injecting a chemical into your body that does it all for you? She should be proud that she did it without medical aid and rightfully so, she is. Would you be more proud to gain muscle naturally through weight-lifting and diet or through the use of steroids? Come on now

It sounds like you mightnt actually want a relationship at the moment which is perfectly fine. It sounds like there's a lot of things you want to do that doesn't involve being in a relationship. It seems like you wanted to just enjoy what you were doing and he was looking for cozy chats and more time together.

Or it's possible he's feeling insecure too. As long as he's respecting boundaries if you tell him you'll talk to him after. Like if you tell him you're busy doing something and will ring him later and he keeps bugging you anyway. Then it's a different story.

If he has less motivation in life in general and is happy just hanging around, could definitely be a problem too

Poor chap. ‘What are you up to?’ is akin to ‘how’s it going’ but for a closer friend.