To expect DH to no longer attend volunteering day after flirty texts with colleague

[Aibuwork]

Just to start by saying I’ve changed my user name for this post.

I found flirty messages between DH and a colleague on Monday. I won’t go into detail as to why I looked as it isn’t overly relevant and I am looking for advice on the below alone.

Backstory is that a group of colleagues where he works are supposed to be using one of their volunteering days at a local hospice, sorting donations etc. People have been dropping out meaning it would only be DH and this one other colleague going (a woman).

This is the exchange I’ve taken offence to:

DH- Any idea what we’d be best to wear? I’m thinking it could be quite dusty
Colleague - I’ll be in my leggings I think
Colleague - Might treat everyone to my scrunch bums 😂
DH - Careful, you’ll finish some of the oldies off at their age 😂
Colleague - Good job you are sooo young yourself then.
DH - Only thing I might get is an awkward twitch down below 😅
Colleague - No tight leggings for you then 😂
DH - not with my figure, maybe if I had yours 😂

DH apologised when I confronted him - said his colleague is like one of the lads and they always have close to the line banter. I’ve said I’d be uncomfortable with him going to this day with her alone. He says I’m wrong to insist he doesn’t and it’s a charitable cause.

So, am I unreasonable to ask DH not to attend?

I think whether he attends or not is the least of you worries.

Can’t believe you’re asking. That’s so inappropriate.

Well even if he doesn't attend this volunteering day you are still left with the issue of his relationship with this work colleague.
This didn't come out of nowhere so presumably they flirt with each other in an inappropriate way on a regular basis. Calling her " one of the lads" is him trying to dismiss your concerns.
I think you have more to worry about than him attending this volunteering day with her.

He’s a minger.

That’s an ‘ick’ I’d never recover from.

If she was ‘one of the lads’ she wouldn’t be giving him penile twitches.

“Might treat everyone to my scrunch bums 😂”

Everyone at a hospice?

And he’s joking about her arse killing them off sooner?

Absolutely vile, both of them.

Ah the old “she’s like one of the lads” line, it’s just “banter”.

But he’s not bantering with Kevin in accounts about how the sight of Kev’s pert arse might give him a semi, is he.

I'd be expecting him to look for another job and attend marriage counselling.

And to put his marriage first by not only not going to the volunteering day but distancing himself from this colleague and thinking very carefully about how he conducts himself in the workplace. That is grim and so disrespectful to you.

Yep, I made a similar point to him!

I don’t think the volunteering day is the only issue - I don’t think the texts are OK for colleagues. She’s definitely not ‘one of the lads’. Have you met her?

That's not close to the line banter. Its a country fucking mile the other side of the line.

I agree. At first I skim read and thought it was a care home, but it feels even worse that it is a hospice - I think of hospices as places that you should treat with the utmost respect. Awful to think of them being so vile in a place where people spend their last precious moments with loved ones.😔

What was his response?

Why did you go through his phone?

OP, he was hoping to cheat on you. And is now downplaying it and gaslighting you by pretending he would make sexual jokes at his male friends. This would cross the line into lack of trust for me.

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

I actually think her messages were jovial and not flirty. He overstepped when he said about getting a twitch down below and then went on to compliment her figure - creep. Bet she's feeling awkward now!

Shes like one if the lads....in scrunch bum leggings?

If he backs out of the volunteering at short notice it will look bad for the place he works. Also I have had colleagues who have had banter like this and there was absolutely nothing going on. We had a similar situation at a placecI worked. The partner of the bloke involved got very worked up like the OP. She was then very confused on meeting the 'colleague' to find she is a rock solid lesbian and her wife was also at the volunteers event. She made herself look a right idiot and the relationship broke up soon after not because the bloke had done anything but that the trust was gone. He is now very happy with a lovely woman with a sense of humour and his ex is now single and bitter.

Exactly my thoughts too, pretending to care by fundraising while secretly ridiculing the poor patients. They sound soulless.

Why did you look at DH's phone ? Were you looking for evidence ? Did you already have suspicions? It's a beach of his privacy , which may mean there are deeper issues in marriage .

Ugh, it’s less flirtation than it is ‘tragic old goat’.

Do blokes banter with each other about their cocks twitching when their male mates wear leggings then?

Disgusting , the pair of them

Yeah I bet he banters exactly like that with "the lads".

You can't stop him going. If he cared anything for you or your relationship he'd choose not to go. It's up to you what you choose what to do now.

Is this on his own personal phone or his work's phone where messages can be monitored? What if the colleague's messages were reported by someone to HR and your DH had to answer for his comments back to her? Has he even considered this?

There is banter and then there is this which looks like testing boundaries.