To expect DH to no longer attend volunteering day after flirty texts with colleague

[Aibuwork]

Just to start by saying I’ve changed my user name for this post.

I found flirty messages between DH and a colleague on Monday. I won’t go into detail as to why I looked as it isn’t overly relevant and I am looking for advice on the below alone.

Backstory is that a group of colleagues where he works are supposed to be using one of their volunteering days at a local hospice, sorting donations etc. People have been dropping out meaning it would only be DH and this one other colleague going (a woman).

This is the exchange I’ve taken offence to:

DH- Any idea what we’d be best to wear? I’m thinking it could be quite dusty
Colleague - I’ll be in my leggings I think
Colleague - Might treat everyone to my scrunch bums 😂
DH - Careful, you’ll finish some of the oldies off at their age 😂
Colleague - Good job you are sooo young yourself then.
DH - Only thing I might get is an awkward twitch down below 😅
Colleague - No tight leggings for you then 😂
DH - not with my figure, maybe if I had yours 😂

DH apologised when I confronted him - said his colleague is like one of the lads and they always have close to the line banter. I’ve said I’d be uncomfortable with him going to this day with her alone. He says I’m wrong to insist he doesn’t and it’s a charitable cause.

So, am I unreasonable to ask DH not to attend?

It’s despicable that they’re going to be acting like horny animals in a hospice, where desperately ill people are facing their final weeks. Of all places!

Does he understand that his banter is absolutely shit and cringe-worthy? I'm embarrassed for him.

And yes, they want to shag each other.

F: I’ll showcase my arse
M: that will give me a boner

One of the lads? Aye, right.

I need the old laugh reaction button for gold like this

I strongly suspect Kevin isnt giving him a boner 😂😂

You know the "banter" is upsetting. Miminally he fancies her.

But as a PP said.. joking about being sexy in a hospice.. so sexy you might kill people off... bit sick for people interested in a good cause

I think this goes beyond banter and I'd be bloody furious.
I don't agree that the hospice comments are vile. Gallows humour and all that

He's a sleazy creep OP.
Whether he goes or not wouldn't make much difference to me.

He has zero respect for you or your marriage.
That's what you need to realise.
He's a toad.

It is absolutely vile. My mum died in a hospice this summer and I would have been so upset if people like this had been there joking about killing people off and turning each other on. It's unprofessional, inappropriate and grim

Let's face it, the only reason they are the only two who havent dropped out is because everyone else has.

Frankly I would be questioning whether they are even going.

I have a male best friend. He does see me as "one of the lads" as I was the only girl in our friendship group at school.
He has never, ever, made comments like that about my bum. The "banter" between us is offensive if anything, not flirty.

Scrunch butts and erections at the hospice. 😞 Your husband is a fucking sleazebucket and I sure wouldn't want him anywhere close to anyone dying or their relatives.

Are they really volunteering at a hospice? Because it doesn't sound like it and I don't think I believe that.

This

Of course YANBU.
He's cheating already or is very close to it. At the very least he's being disrespectful to you and your marriage. What an idiot.
I don't think this volunteering day is going to make a difference honestly.
Sorry OP it doesn't look good.

😂Scrunch Bum Woman!

Honestly, how do people bring themselves to wear those atrocities?

They are both being pathetic and unprofessional
Harmless banter doesn't look anything like that.

I have a friend group like that, its not flirty at all. Not unless you consider telling your male friend that the reason he is single is because he is a fat ugly charmless arsehole to be flirty. Or him telling me that the only reason men come on to me is because they think I am desperate and will shag anyone.

This. Disgusting the pair of them.

Exactly. No affair here. She’s not interested. This used to happen with married men all the time, when I works in an office. They always started it… When I was young & single, it was a bit of a laugh. Never anything more! But, yeah. Not proud…

Misses pount of the thread but since when did grown men start asking colleagues "what are we wearing?". I haven't said that since I was 14.

I am not sure I agree.

I mean yes he is a tragic old fart but....."I might treat everyone" means that she knows the effect her scrunch bums have on men like him (or him in particular), so she isnt exactly a little innocent. She clearly is attention seeking for one reason or another.

Ask him how he’d feel if you said you’d be getting wet knickers looking at your colleague in his tight fitting clothes

That.

"Ooh, my scrunch bum leggings". 🤢🤮🤮 to her bringing them into the conversation (ooh, I'm so flirty) and 😱🤢🤮🤮 to scrunch bum bloody leggings and the bloody women that wear them 😑🧐

He’s either gaslighting you or he doesn’t really see it as flirting as such, just a way of talking with colleagues. Either of those options is an issue since you do see it as flirting and are hurt by it.

The question is, OP, what are you intending to do about it?

Do you think he’s flirting with her and would follow up if given the opportunity? If so, I would suggest you start making plans to leave, if you think he’s prepared to do that you don’t trust him and that’s a miserable way to live.

Or do you see it as flirting and/or disrespectful even though you accept that he’d have said the equivalent with just about anybody? I think that’s a harder thing to make a decision on, but in the end you need to decide whether it’s something you can put up with even though ou don’t like it, because he doesn’t sound prepared to change. You could try relationship counseling, but Ithink something like that, where you have to come on MN to ask about it, is likely to be intractable and a counselor won’t help him change his mind.

Both can be the issue you know, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Yes, unfortunately I know a woman like this too.