To expect DH to no longer attend volunteering day after flirty texts with colleague

[Aibuwork]

Just to start by saying I’ve changed my user name for this post.

I found flirty messages between DH and a colleague on Monday. I won’t go into detail as to why I looked as it isn’t overly relevant and I am looking for advice on the below alone.

Backstory is that a group of colleagues where he works are supposed to be using one of their volunteering days at a local hospice, sorting donations etc. People have been dropping out meaning it would only be DH and this one other colleague going (a woman).

This is the exchange I’ve taken offence to:

DH- Any idea what we’d be best to wear? I’m thinking it could be quite dusty
Colleague - I’ll be in my leggings I think
Colleague - Might treat everyone to my scrunch bums 😂
DH - Careful, you’ll finish some of the oldies off at their age 😂
Colleague - Good job you are sooo young yourself then.
DH - Only thing I might get is an awkward twitch down below 😅
Colleague - No tight leggings for you then 😂
DH - not with my figure, maybe if I had yours 😂

DH apologised when I confronted him - said his colleague is like one of the lads and they always have close to the line banter. I’ve said I’d be uncomfortable with him going to this day with her alone. He says I’m wrong to insist he doesn’t and it’s a charitable cause.

So, am I unreasonable to ask DH not to attend?

I am in a male dominated industry and have heavily male dominated sport hobbies and I would say I am seen as one of the lads, so thought I would give you my perspective.

firstly- I wouldn’t text a male colleague for outfit advice or anything out of work that was not Absolutley necessary, I also would never talk about scrunch bum leggings - sexualising the conversation.

i think his reaction is awful too.

if anyone spoke about me like that or flirted with me - I would distance myself.

the only times I have messaged people from my hobby is when I send them a page for a gift recommendation or product we may face spoke about.

she is not one of the lads,

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon penile twitches 😂👌🏼 it’s not funny at all what the OP is dealing with but this got me 😂

I couldn’t get past this kind of banter OP in all seriousness, obviously it’s your call what you do next but I’d be LTB.

I wouldnt call telling a colleague that her bum in scrunch leggings will give him a semi "banter". Its one of the micro decisions that happen on the road to cheating.

That’s so rank, I’m really sorry. Isn’t he absolutely mortified?

Not really, he accepts it wouldn’t have been nice for me to read but he says the context is important and that if I’d met her before I’d understand what she’s like.

Maybe you should meet then - I'm sure you'd love to give some time to this hospice too....I bet there's a reason you can't.

That old chestnut - one of the lads.

you mean Dave 5 bellies? You know, wears 21 stone. Hairy belly. Belches and farts the alphabet?

what do you mean? No!! You mean she’s actually a gym bunny who is constantly in the work loos, checking her make-up and wearing tight clothes, exposing flesh, flirting with guys and sleeping with half the team.

Neither of them should be anywhere near a hospice, making jokes about ‘finishing off’ hospice patients is really low. I would have lost all respect for a man like that

I understand what she is like, cos I have met her. Well, women like her.

She is a pick me who likes the attention. I bet if asked she would say "I am doing nothing wrong, I am single! Its not my fault he fancies me.".

It may be that she wants him for herself, or it could be that she just wants to prove she could if she wanted to.

Told this before on here but I knew a woman like this years ago. She would only be interested in men who were married or otherwise "taken". As soon as he left his wife for her she dumped him, it was about winning him from his wife for her as that is how she got her validation, not about the man himself.

The "awkward twitch" comment is particularly grim.

Whether he goes on the day or not isn't really the main problem. You might be able to prevent him going, but you're not going to be able to prevent him talking with her inappropriately in the future . He's just going to get more sneaky about it. these things are usually just a catalyst .

Yikes 🤮

He's gross. She is attention seeking. Does she know he's married? Of course she does.

OK, I realise I am massively outnumbered here but unless there is any other reason for suspicion, I would take that as a bit of crass banter between colleagues.

And it is crass but hardly divorce material and certainly no reason to stop him going on the volunteer day.

I'm wondering what got you suspicious enough to check his phone though, to see it in the first place?

Tell him to show the texts to HR and see where that lands him.

There are zero circumstances ever when I would text a male colleague about my “scrunch bum leggings” and his talk of “twitching“ makes me gag.
No OP, you are not being unreasonable. He’s a twat and you know full well he wouldn’t want YOU to have this kind of conversation with a colleague, would he? So ask him to explain why it’s somehow ok for him?
One of the lads, my eye.

Context is rarely important. IMO. He is blurring boundaries.

All the ‘cool wives’ out in force tonight. Of course you’re NBU OP, it’s a grim message and massively overstepping.

Ew. They’re both gross.

You might want to think about the misogyny in your post.

And those men were the issue - not the woman.

Not something I’d ever put up with - I wouldn’t be worried about the volunteering day so much as the rest of my marriage though.

Call his bluff and say you want to meet her

sleaze🤢

Yuck. Dirty bastard. Would he be okay if his boss was sent a copy of that exchange? It’s only banter after all….

Fuck the charity day. As someone up thread said that’s the least of your worries.

Ask him how he’d feel if you said you’d be getting wet knickers looking at your colleague in his tight fitting clothes