To expect DH to no longer attend volunteering day after flirty texts with colleague

[Aibuwork]

Just to start by saying I’ve changed my user name for this post.

I found flirty messages between DH and a colleague on Monday. I won’t go into detail as to why I looked as it isn’t overly relevant and I am looking for advice on the below alone.

Backstory is that a group of colleagues where he works are supposed to be using one of their volunteering days at a local hospice, sorting donations etc. People have been dropping out meaning it would only be DH and this one other colleague going (a woman).

This is the exchange I’ve taken offence to:

DH- Any idea what we’d be best to wear? I’m thinking it could be quite dusty
Colleague - I’ll be in my leggings I think
Colleague - Might treat everyone to my scrunch bums 😂
DH - Careful, you’ll finish some of the oldies off at their age 😂
Colleague - Good job you are sooo young yourself then.
DH - Only thing I might get is an awkward twitch down below 😅
Colleague - No tight leggings for you then 😂
DH - not with my figure, maybe if I had yours 😂

DH apologised when I confronted him - said his colleague is like one of the lads and they always have close to the line banter. I’ve said I’d be uncomfortable with him going to this day with her alone. He says I’m wrong to insist he doesn’t and it’s a charitable cause.

So, am I unreasonable to ask DH not to attend?

I mean, he can attend. Whether or not he can stay married to you is another question.

There's banter and then there is banter. I would never talk like this to work colleague. I might say I am wearing comfortable clothes but not be so detailed. The 'twitch' comment is gross.

How big of him to accept that.

I voted YABU because it is a waste of time asking him not to go. It wouldn’t change the fact that he wants to go. That’s the real issue here. You can only decide what YOU want to do, given that you are married to this individual. Wishing you all the best OP

Well tell him charity begins at Home !

I think you’re unreasonable, he’s going to see her at work , she’s a colleague. The volunteering is moot. It’s irrelevant, deal with the issue, he’s flirting with her, what will you do next, make him Get another job? Ensure he’s never round a woman again so he can’t flirt?

My thoughts exactly - I'm sure they'd love an extra pair of hands as everyone else has dropped out...

Do some of the lads give him a cock twitch

Interesting that he is laying all the blame fair and square on her: " one of the lads", you would" understand what she's like" if you had met her .
It takes two to have an inappropriate conversation of this type. He is obviously a willing participant otherwise he would not engage with her in this way.

Trying to present himself as an innocent party is not a good look and would make me wonder just exactly what they get up to at work.

Oh he gets hard ons from ‘one of the lads’? Did you know he was bisexual?

Eww. I would have the ick. I really would. That reads so slimy and just no. Such a stupid man.

Would you be okay with your partner being this way, talking about their body parts getting excited? I don't think so.

This. And for the DH to mention twitching down below....yuck.

This is really sexual flirting. OP, you need to lay down the law and he needs to stay away from her.

And she's the type who wears scrunch bums and flirts with married men...absolutely grim.

God honestly I’d let him go. If he’s going to have an affair he’ll have one- the volunteering day is a complete red herring. Plus I couldn’t be arsed fighting with scrunch bum woman over this sleaze.

The staff and patients at the hospice wouldn’t want them there if they knew the level of their disrespect and insensitivity.

Omg well said, I’m dying with laughter! Straight to the point!

I voted you were being unreasonable because I don't think you should be making that decision for him. He's meant to be an equal, not a naughty little boy 🤢

But, if it gave you the ick as much as reading it gave me, you would not be unreasonable to reconsider everything about your relationship going forwards, including whether there is indeed a relationship. It's also up to you if you choose wear scrunch bum leggings every day while you're reevaluating things.

You really believe that she had no blame at all in that?!

She actively targetted married men, she had no interest in single ones.

Yes they accepted her advances, yes they cheated but she had a responsibility too. I absolutely reject this MN based idea that only person to blame in an affair is the married person. No, fuck that. No one can cheat on their own.

Two people can both be culpable in different ways. It isnt either/or.

Absolute gold. Lol

"of course you can go if you want to. I'm not stopping you, that's your decision. But just know that by making it, you are effectively prioritising that event/colleague over upsetting me".

You've no idea if she targeted him. Who knows what's gone before? That's not a conversation between people who have previously had a strictly professional relationship.

I was referring to the woman I used to know, not the woman in the OP's scenario, because you said "those men" not "OP's DH".

But regarding the woman OP is talking about, if she knows a man is married and still acts as she is doing then, yes I would hold her equally in contempt.

Exactly!

OP, I think you should say, "I didn't know that sexual flirting with others was OK as far as you're concerned. Interesting." Then stand there looking thoughtful.

And I'd start making an extra effort when you leave the house. There are many men who choose not to get it, until the boot (might be) on the other foot.

I’d say what about the context where you want to be married? Does that not matter for you? You crossed a line, I don’t care what your reasoning is, I care what you’re doing to fix it and seems like the answer is nothing. Because she’s one of the lads and we have to go help the old people we were joking about killing off. You’ll be alone in an old persons home yourself at this rate.

What sort of prize prick gets a semi while volunteering at a hospice.

Fucking hell.