Stepping away from friend for a bit just to clear my emotions

[Nala35]

Hi all,
I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Just looking for advice with coping with an upset. A bit of a background. I lost my twins at birth almost three years ago this week. It was incredibly unexpected and traumatic and I'm still getting counselling. One of my babies was stillborn and to our horror their sibling died in the NICU a few days later. We had to remove life support and they died in our arms. It's their birthday and anniversary this week.

My close friend had her first baby this week and I am thrilled for her. Except she has just texted me to say she has named her child the same name as one of my late babies. I was absolutely shocked I wont lie. I congratulated her and mentioned, it was the same name. She said "yeah it was between that name and another and I really liked it"

I know I dont own any names and she had every right to name her child, I think the week thats in it and the fact that she is my close friend has just hurt so much. It's my babies birthday this weekend and I guess I'm just so sad. I'm really not here to give out about her, just looking for a bit of support really and I guess it shocked me. My little ones would be 3 this week.

I've congratulated her and I'll see the baby whenever she is ready. Is it ok to step away for a bit just to get my head straight. I was already dreading my babies anniversaries this week.

God that’s just awful. The height of insensitivity! You have every right to be incredibly upset and angry about this. I’m really angry on your behalf - how could she! Sending you hugs for what must already be an unimaginably awful time 💐

I think it's fine to step away. I think she just didn't think it would upset you or perhaps didn't remember that was your late babies name. I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope you feel better soon x

That is NO FRIEND!!!!

She REMINDED her and she still didn’t give a shit!!! What an absolute heartless nasty bitch !

She did know. I wont go into too much detail but she did. Their deaths were very tragic. The name itself has really shocked me but its the timing and the way she told me which hurt more. I know I dont own the name, I just wish she had picked any other name than either of my babies. I'll have to get over it though. But it's really shook me.

Yes take a step back and take time for yourself.
I don’t understand why a good friend would do this ?? How utterly devastating for what you have been through and especially at a very poignant time.
I would try to bring therapy appointment forward to enable myself to have a massive rant, with tears of hurt and rage !

Sending you love and massive hugs .

Thank you, I'm actually booked in on Friday as it happens. I am genuinely happy for her, but I dont know if I can be around her for a while. It just not something I would ever have done .

She isn't your friend. That's so cruel.

So very selfish - it will be so hard for you hearing the name over and over - step back from this person , it’s the height of disrespect.
Sending love ❤️ what you have experienced is truly unimaginable pain xxxxx

OP, I'm so sorry that you have suffered such a terrible, devastating loss.

I agree with the comments so far, but I'm just offering up the slender possibility that - because the alternative is that your friend is insensitive beyond all belief - she thinks it's a way of honouring the memory of your baby? You know your friend...is there any way that this is a terribly misguided way of paying a loving homage to your child?

@Nala35that must hurt. She's completely insensitive and a ridiculously stupid person imho.

Keep well away.
I'm so very sorry for your losses. I truly am. 💐💐 xx

she should have told you her thought process about the name at the time she was considering it.

OP, I’m so so sorry to hear about your babies. I can’t begin to imagine the pain. I do wonder if posting in Aibu is wise though. I don’t think posts prodding you to fury at your friend will help

It’s a strange and insensitive decision and I’m not surprised you want to take space. I also don’t think it would be unreasonable if you felt the need to have a vent about this to a sympathetic friend — I’m sure anyone who knows both of you would also have a “what the hell was she thinking?” view on this.

@Goodmorningeveryone26 "Prodding!" I can only see support and empathy for the OP.
That woman is clearly an imbecile.
May she wise up one day and OP is able to overcome it.

I’m so sorry OP. I wish I could offer more than just words, for such a terrible thing, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I think stepping away is probably very sensible.
I doubt that thinking about her motives will bring you much peace x

Tricky one, OP. While no, you don't own the name and yes, she can name her baby whatever she wants, somehow it still seems to be against social boundaries, doesn't it?

I don't think there's anything you can do about it. I suppose you could express yourself to your friend, in a calm way. Maybe you should, or it might eat away at you. You could tell her that you are so happy about her baby, and that you can't wait to meet them. And then you could go on to say that you know this is your issue and that she can name her baby whatever she wants, but that you found it hard to hear the baby's name in this anniversary week of [your baby's name's] death and you were surprised she chose that name.

It might come between you, but maybe that's a good thing. It was a pretty insensitive thing to do. Maybe you don't want a friend who can be so oblivious to your feelings.

I'm extremely sorry for your loss. That sounds absolutely awful.

I honestly wish she was. One of her texts was, he just looks like a ....... (my baby's name) I know I have to deal with this, there'll be plenty of upsets in years to come and reminders but its just a bit of a shock if that makes sense.

Thank you, I'm genuinely not furious anyway. Just saddened. I plan to take some space and honour my twins anniversaries this week.

Thanks for your reply. I wont say anything to her tbh, but I think its opened my eyes a bit. I really need to regroup and focus on my twins and I'm lucky to have since had a baby. It has knocked me but my other friend just made a good point. It wont go unnoticed amongst others. It's so odd. But as I said I am genuinely happy for her and her lovely baby, I just wish out of all the names she could have chosen differently and clocked that given the closeness to their anniversary dates, it would be hurtful

It absolutely makes sense. I probably would struggle to find a way back from this, if I'm absolutely honest, in terms of a meaningful friendship.

I'll be thinking about you, OP

I’m so sorry. That’s incredibly insensitive of your friend and in fact cruel. Absolutely fine to step away. And maybe reevaluate the friendship? Is she normally this insensitive? I don’t see how any normal person can not realise the gravity of this. So sorry. You are in my thoughts.

I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to her again. There’s something really, really off about doing that to a supposed close friend.

So sorry for your losses OP. Taking a step back is definitely the right idea. She sounds hideously insensitive and that’s the politest way I can put it. I would struggle to continue any friendship with her after those comments.

I am so very sorry for your loss. 💔 💔
She's a horrible person. It's definitely ok to never speak with her again.