Stepping away from friend for a bit just to clear my emotions

[Nala35]

Hi all,
I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Just looking for advice with coping with an upset. A bit of a background. I lost my twins at birth almost three years ago this week. It was incredibly unexpected and traumatic and I'm still getting counselling. One of my babies was stillborn and to our horror their sibling died in the NICU a few days later. We had to remove life support and they died in our arms. It's their birthday and anniversary this week.

My close friend had her first baby this week and I am thrilled for her. Except she has just texted me to say she has named her child the same name as one of my late babies. I was absolutely shocked I wont lie. I congratulated her and mentioned, it was the same name. She said "yeah it was between that name and another and I really liked it"

I know I dont own any names and she had every right to name her child, I think the week thats in it and the fact that she is my close friend has just hurt so much. It's my babies birthday this weekend and I guess I'm just so sad. I'm really not here to give out about her, just looking for a bit of support really and I guess it shocked me. My little ones would be 3 this week.

I've congratulated her and I'll see the baby whenever she is ready. Is it ok to step away for a bit just to get my head straight. I was already dreading my babies anniversaries this week.

She is an absolute arse hole and no friend. I'm so sorry OP. Sending you lots of love xx

She actually said "yeah it was between that name and another and I really liked it"….. WOW.

It isn’t just the fact that she chose your child’s name, coupled with her baby’s birth coinciding with the anniversary, although these are bad enough. She compounded this by the dismissive way she ‘explained’ her choice of name, which shows that she either doesn’t realise or doesn’t care how totally inappropriate this is.

Of course you will take a huge step back, and I can’t see how your friendship could recover from this. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this next-level insensitivity at this difficult time. I hope your real friends rally around you.

Do you have any mutual friends? I would talk to them tbh. They can explain on your behalf why you need to keep that distance.

She's beyond insensitive and just sounds very selfish. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her.

I am so sorry about your precious babies ❤️.

This “friend” doesn’t sound like a friend at all and your need to take a step back is absolutely understandable, and I would say essential for your wellbeing. Speaking as a bereaved mother myself, I doubt I would ever feel the same about her again and I expect I would maintain that distance going forward. You say you’ll have to get over it and while, as you say, there isn’t anything you can do about it, you do not have to accept her in your life. Please mind yourself, you and your family deserve more. Thinking of your babies this week x

Insensitive and thoughtless to the hilt.
Do what's right for you at this very obvious difficult time for you.
Hope you find your way.💐

YANBU at all op.

Yes you don’t own the name, but also it’s different when someone who is supposed to be a close friend crosses boundaries and is thoughtless like that. I don’t think any of us here could imagine doing that to our friends.

Absolutely take time for yourself and step away from the friendship for a bit. I would imagine there will be some backlash from her, but being a new mum doesn’t give her a free pass to be so insensitve.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through.

I would hope then that someone else does say something to her so you don’t have to.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Step away and take time for you. I hope the coming days are gentle on you. Sending you love x

I’m really sorry to hear about your losses. Take some time for yourself - totally understandable.

I’m sorry this happened to you OP.

i agree with you. This friend has been very thoughtless.

I take it she did remember this was the name of your DS?

If she did know - per your previous posts - then she is a ghastly human. There is no other way to describe it. The friendship is over. Take care and be kind to yourself xxx

She’s crossed a line. No coming back. How appalling of her.

Oh my goodness OP. I am just so sorry. I lost my own wee baby son when he was three weeks old. It was many many years ago now but it's a pain and sadness that has stayed with me all my life. So I do have some idea of how you must be feeling at this moment in time.
How absolutely selfush, insensitive and cruel this woman has been. She is not your friend. Please distance yourself from her.
Sending you love.

Of ALL the names in the world, she HAD to choose this one

Heartless. Thoughtless. Selfish. Bitch.
Those are the first words that spring to mind

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, the pain you and your family must have experienced is absolutely unimaginable 💐

I couldn't be around someone like your 'friend' ever again. Words fail me.

Your other friend is right. I can’t imagine how devastating your experience must have been / still be OP.

You are completely right to take some time. It’s unbelievable behaviour. So utterly insensitive. I’d definitely be stepping back. Hugs to you Xx

I’m so sorry for your devastating loss.
Of course, you must take a step back from your friend. I don’t think you even have to contact her again if you don’t want to. She’s been extremely cold and heartless.Shockingly so.

Take as much time as you need and focus on you and your healing.
Thinking of you and your darling babies ❤️‍🩹

Im sorry for your loss. Unless it was the name of a grandparent or her dad or something like that I honestly think she is bang out of order and I could never forgive this. She may love the name but there are thousands of names out there and to hurt a friend like this is beyond belief.

No, you don’t ‘own’ the name, but I’m not sure that makes it right.

This would be a completely different scenario if she spoke with you a few months ago and said she was thinking about using the name.
Is there a reason she’s using it? Family name or similar?

I very much doubt that. If that was the case, she could've discussed that with op

i'm so sorry about your twins.

your mate sounds like a selfish cow tbh. nobody owns a name but if someone in my circle did this i'd be judging the fuck out of them and re-thinking their place in my life. i can't imagine doing this to a close friend no matter how much i liked the name.

Wow so you’ll have to watch her ‘Theo’ grow up and thrive….. I would be opting out of that OP, she’s shown her true colours & selfishness.

That's incredibly insensitive of her. I wouldnt speak to her again.

Take some strength from this thread that its not you. I think the friendship needs to end now. With friends like this who needs friends! I would probably have to say something as a last ditch attempt to get her to change her mind before baby is registered. Its an absolutely crazy situation and she doesn't sound like a good person. There is no way you can go round and hold that baby and call them by that name. Plus even if she was determined to have that name she should have asked your permission. I know on mn we say nobody owns a name, but you do own this name. Big time. She hasn't shown you any consideration at all. On some level has she done this maliciously?

She should have very v gently asked you if you were ok with the naming before she did it.

If it's any comfort, Ashkenazi Jewish people traditionally name a baby after someone that has passed away. It ensures their soul gets to heaven.