Stepping away from friend for a bit just to clear my emotions

[Nala35]

Hi all,
I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Just looking for advice with coping with an upset. A bit of a background. I lost my twins at birth almost three years ago this week. It was incredibly unexpected and traumatic and I'm still getting counselling. One of my babies was stillborn and to our horror their sibling died in the NICU a few days later. We had to remove life support and they died in our arms. It's their birthday and anniversary this week.

My close friend had her first baby this week and I am thrilled for her. Except she has just texted me to say she has named her child the same name as one of my late babies. I was absolutely shocked I wont lie. I congratulated her and mentioned, it was the same name. She said "yeah it was between that name and another and I really liked it"

I know I dont own any names and she had every right to name her child, I think the week thats in it and the fact that she is my close friend has just hurt so much. It's my babies birthday this weekend and I guess I'm just so sad. I'm really not here to give out about her, just looking for a bit of support really and I guess it shocked me. My little ones would be 3 this week.

I've congratulated her and I'll see the baby whenever she is ready. Is it ok to step away for a bit just to get my head straight. I was already dreading my babies anniversaries this week.

So I'll prefix this by saying I have also lost a child being stillborn, although Amelia would have been 6 this year so a little further into my grief journey.

You acknowledge that you don't own a name and being the week of your children's birthdays it even more upsetting. I'd highly doubt she has done this to upset you even more (she is likely just in her baby bubble and not thought or thought it was a nice thing) and the harsh truth I have learnt is unfortunately it is only you and your close family that are effected by the loss of your children years down the line. Yes friends can empathise but ultimately they are on the outside and don't really get it. Even close friends can try and forget the hurt after a few years.

My action would depend on if I wanted to keep the friendship or not.
If you do, you need to find a way to move forward. There are going to be a lot of instances over the years of names, clashes, etc. Alot of things that are going to be upsetting potentially from some very close people. I wouldn't address it with the friend as it likely just going to cause animosity.

If you don't, then quietly step back from her.

I hope you do find your way forward with this OP.

I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine.

I also can’t imagine wanting to call my child that name because, regardless of how nice it is, it would always remind me of what happened to my friend’s baby and my friend’s heartbreak. The connection would always be there for me. And sadly, I think this is going to be very difficult for you to get past going forward especially as their birthdays are so close together.

I think your friend is incredibly insensitive and selfish. I would step away from her.

I am so sorry this happened to you, it does feel a bit targetted or at least horrendously inconsiderate. I had a cousin whose baby was stillborn and while he had a beautiful name I never ever would have considered it myself - my mother however decided to lie and say it was on my list and I had this cousins mum ring me and implore me not to use it as it would have been so hurtful and downright disrespectful. As I say I was never going to use the name anyway would not even have considered it but my mums lie was enough to cause more pain for my cousins family so I cannot even imagine what this has done to you.

I am so sorry OP and I definitely don't think YABU.

Do whatever you need to do to protect your MH, both now and in the future 💐.

We live and learn. In years to come she may realise what’s she has done, she may have misguidedly thought it would honour your child - who knows 🤷‍♀️but it doesn’t sound like it in the uncaring delivery of the news.

I’m so sorry for your losses x I’d absolutely step back from anyone who was this insensitive it’s not what you need in your life.

This is beyond 'insensitive', it's bordering on cruel. This is NOT a good friend or a kind person. I would honestly distance myself from her, she has zero empathy for your enormous loss.

If it had been to honour your child then that would be a discussion with you. But to choose the name because they like it is cruel. Now everytime you see them it’s a direct reminder of your loss. I would want to step back from the friendship. Hope you are okay.

Oh OP, I'm actually speechless.
I couldn't ever look at her again.
And yes I would so judge someone being so stupid to do such a thing.

Like many people I have family and friends that had stillborn and babys die within a few days.
The grief and shock is horrific and is an ache that remains.

I am so sorry.
Step away from her and think only of yourself and family at this time.

I’m so so sorry for your loss OP, how unimaginably awful.

Your “friend” is insensitive and cruel to do this, I hope she will find this thread and reflect.

OP I am very sorry indeed to read of your tragic loss.

You are not remotely unreasonable. How could you be. In fact it would have been unreasonable for your friend to have named her baby the same as your precious child whatever the timing.

As a bereaved parent myself (my young adult daughter died a year ago) I would say to you do whatever you need to protect yourself and your mental health. Most people have been overwhelming kind and supportive of me. But I have drawn away from a few who I felt undermined my mental stability (I have 2 younger children for whom I need me to be as strong as I can).

This woman is not a true friend. Distance yourself unless she brings other things to your life that you don’t want to do without. In short, put yourself first OP. I send you love and understanding.

This. Gosh step away.

So sorry for the loss of your twins OP.
❤️

Im so, sorry for your loss.
I don't think it unreasonable for you to step away from this "friendship" while you process this . i can understand its painful,confusing and triggering.
That it wasnt a tribute rather a choice between names she liked makes it more insensitive.
I know you dont have a monopoly on names but from a friend its lacks empathy and it the way you have describe it makes me wonder if this friend is really. a friend.
You have some options ,you could if you want the friendship to continue explain your feelings if you want the perosn to understand your painful feelings.You could step way and process your feelngs and decide later how to proceed.
If it were me, id message her saying : Congratulations on your new baby. I wish you and your family every happiness and good health.Because you chose to name your baby the idential name of my late baby it is a painful reminder of my loss,for my ow health and healing ill be taking some space,but i truly wish you all the best.
Im wondering if this friend is crass and insensitive generally or has this come out of the blue?

Is she always so tone deaf? I’m blown away by what she has done, as well as the timing. Its levels and levels of absorption. I most likely would be stepping away permanently after this

Thinking of you x