Stepping away from friend for a bit just to clear my emotions

[Nala35]

Hi all,
I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Just looking for advice with coping with an upset. A bit of a background. I lost my twins at birth almost three years ago this week. It was incredibly unexpected and traumatic and I'm still getting counselling. One of my babies was stillborn and to our horror their sibling died in the NICU a few days later. We had to remove life support and they died in our arms. It's their birthday and anniversary this week.

My close friend had her first baby this week and I am thrilled for her. Except she has just texted me to say she has named her child the same name as one of my late babies. I was absolutely shocked I wont lie. I congratulated her and mentioned, it was the same name. She said "yeah it was between that name and another and I really liked it"

I know I dont own any names and she had every right to name her child, I think the week thats in it and the fact that she is my close friend has just hurt so much. It's my babies birthday this weekend and I guess I'm just so sad. I'm really not here to give out about her, just looking for a bit of support really and I guess it shocked me. My little ones would be 3 this week.

I've congratulated her and I'll see the baby whenever she is ready. Is it ok to step away for a bit just to get my head straight. I was already dreading my babies anniversaries this week.

Sorry for your tragic loss and the grief you’re coping with, OP.

I don’t think this woman is your friend. You should absolutely step away from her for as long as you need. 🪷

This is very cruel and thoughtless. Sometimes friends are not true friends. I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful babies.

I would walk away for good.
Yes nobody owns a name blah blah but in these circumstances? No friend would do what this woman did.

Any right minded person would think 'I really like that name but that's the name of my friend's baby who died, so of course I don't want or need to use it'
Any other approach is just downright horrible.
Take the space.
I'm sorry for your loss. You sound a lovely person.

Gosh this is horrifically selfish and insensitive behaviour and of course you are shaken. You don’t deserve that. I’m so sorry for your losses ❤️‍🩹🫂. I would discuss what your therapist thinks the best approach is with your friend. I would personally want to say something - even just saying you need space and you are shocked she would take one of your babies names without speaking to you first or thinking about the timing of telling you - and perhaps the therapist can help you frame that xx

I would step away from her permanently.

I’m so sorry for your losses, OP. Yes, as others have said this is awful, awful behaviour from your friend. The way she has handled it is also about as insensitive as possible. I wouldn’t really consider her a friend any more.

I suppose it’s possible in a situation like this that if the name was also her father’s name, and she had long planned to use it, as he had passed away, for example, and she was honouring him, then it might be different. If it was me, though, I would still think twice about it. The situation absolutely does not sound like this though and, if it was, a good friend would have raised it with you differently and sensitively.

Just to add I had to cut out a friend for much less.

I was going through endometriosis surgery, IVF and had a miscarriage that really turned me upside down. My friend kept enquiring about how I was doing throughout that and I thought wow what a good friend and I really opened up to her because she kept asking.

It felt like we had an open dialogue about conception journeys too as she herself kept volunteering that she wouldn’t wait to get married to have a baby with her boyfriend, but she would want to get engaged first.

About 6 weeks after my miscarriage she thrust a camera recording in my face to announce she was 16 weeks pregnant. She wasn’t engaged. I could have handled that just about, but then she told me they had actively started trying 5 months before - so every time she kept telling me they were waiting to get engaged, it was some weird distraction strategy so she could do this big reveal moment.

I could completely understand her wanting to keep a pregnancy quiet but she could have just not said anything at all? Why volunteer all this information I hadn’t even asked her about - I would never ask someone about their conception journey as I know it’s so sensitive but someone is willing to share I will of course listen.

It was so much less than what you’ve been through or what your friend has done, but I was honestly physically shaky after I left that meeting and I didn’t sleep that night. I felt really violated that I had shared all this hurt with someone I thought was being open with me. For literally the entire journey I’d been on (5 months) she had been actively disingenuous and there were so many weird knowing comments she made which I only picked up with hindsight.

I stopped speaking to her as she couldn’t understand why I was upset, was making out I was just upset because of my own fertility rather than how she had behaved. I’m now 25 weeks pregnant but even with that, I still don’t want to be friends with her again. I felt her behaviour was crazy.

I know this isn’t at all comparable to what you have been through and I think what your “friend” did was far, far worse. I suppose I’m just sharing to show that I wasn’t able to continue a friendship and was shaken up by far less of a transgression

Agree its really thoughtless and insensitive. Most people just wouldn't consider doing this, no matter how much they liked the name. Has she shown any signs of being this selfish / clueless before? She may have no emotional intelligence, or she just isn't very nice, but either way this will inevitably change your friendship unfortunately. I'm so sorry about your twins.

Very sorry for your losses 💐

I really don't know how I would react in this situation.

It is very insensitive on her behalf. The very least she could have done was mentioned it to you at some point over the last couple of months.

Definitely take a step back and let your emotions run their course.

You know what, I’d usually be the first person to say nobody owns a name - however in this case your “friend” has been so insensitive that it actually comes across as deliberately cruel. I’m pretty thoughtless but even I would understand how wrong it is.

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Sorry for your terrible losses.
From the tone of your messages you seem like a person holding it all together in a calm and sensible way.
I hope the therapy session helps.
Wishing you strength

It's not about not owning a name !
She is supposed to be your friend I don't know anyone in my friend circle who would do this
She is insensitive and horrible she is not your friend !
Sorry for your loss u have every.right to feel everything your currently feeling .
I would not see this friend again completely avoid and let her think about what she has done ! 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

@Nala35this.
For me the friendship would be over. Having to call her child by the name of my lost baby would be too much. How cruel of her to do this is in full knowledge.
Honour your twins, treasure their sibling and leave this friendship behind. She isn't worth your time.

It’s understandable if you walk away all together, OP. If she really wanted to honour one of your children, as others have suggested, she would have spoken to you first. I’ve done similar in the past, and asked a bereaved parent if I could use their child’s name as a middle name. The parent was very touched and felt included, and I absolutely would not have gone ahead if this made the parent uncomfortable in anyway. In this scenario, it’s like the friend is pretending there’s nothing significant about the name and it’s simply one she liked. I’m glad others around you both have noticed and hopefully they can highlight how cruel and selfish this is. I hope you are well supported during this difficult time and manage to get the space to process what’s happened and what’s happening ♥️

That is so awful. At best it's totally tone deaf and thoughtless. She hasn't even bothered to try and ameliorate the shock or qualify it with a "I really hope you don't mind but ..." or something about honouring your babies. The thing is, she just wanted the name and was willing for what she wanted to ride roughshod over your grief. Some " friend".

I'm part of a group of friends (we originally met at a self help group) who all lost a baby/babies late in pregnancy or shortly after birth. We've all gone on to have a rainbow baby after that. One friend found out she was having a girl and her husband was very insistent on a particular name. Unfortunately it was the name of another friend's baby daughter who was stillborn. She did speak to her about it before announcing the name, to apologise and explain but the other friend was still rather shellshocked and hurt for some time. She did mention it to others in the group and I remember her saying something like "I know her husband always calls the shots but couldn't she gave stood up to him just this one time and picked another name from the hundreds of choices?"

It did end up OK-ish. The hurt friend got used to hearing the name and said in some ways it became almost comforting to hear herself say it out loud. But it took time and was difficult. And if she hadn't had the apology and explanation at the start, I don't think she could have forgiven it.

Sending you the biggest hug OP. You’re stronger than you know.

That's horrible and goes beyond thoughtless to deliberately cruel.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please think carefully about whether you want this person in your life

This is not a friend. Just stop communicating with them.

This is true and if you were my friend it’s something I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about so someone might say something to her to point out that this is odd and extremely tactless at best.

I would at the very least be saying I know nobody owns a name, but has she asked how you felt about it.

YANBU to take a step back from her at all and if she mentions anything to you I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to say the anniversary and the name are making you struggle either.

Of course it's ok to step back a bit and take time to process this. On the face of it, your friend has been insensitive and should have spoken to you about using the name before baby came.

A lot of people who have not suffered a significant bereavement have no idea about grief and loss and she probably thinks you have 'got over it' by now. Unfortunately, this is how a lot of people think. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that the therapy you're having is helpful. You never get over such a loss but you do learn to live alongside it. Three years is no time at all. Be kind to yourself 💐

This is unbelievably insensitive and I think if it were me she'd not be a friend any more - or at least could have discussed it with you if she was honoring your baby. X

I'm so very, very sorry for the loss of your babies.
As you say, nobody owns a name.....but out of all the millions of names in the world- including the other one she liked- why would she choose the one that you had for your precious baby when she knew the trauma and upset you went through, and are still going through. Does she not realise what it will do to you every time she calls her child's name in front of you?!
For me, the friendship would be done. I could never look at her in the same light again.

She loved it but the very least she should have done was had a quiet word beforehand and asked you if you’d mind. She didn’t ask or mention it before because she knew you would! That’s quite hurtful.

Your friend is awful. Step away for good. What a horrible thing to shock you with without any conversation beforehand.