To have booked this for me and dh?

[CherrysyrupCoffee]

Dh has been saying for ages that he wants to start a particular hobby/activity. He hasn’t made any move to actually start but talks about it a lot.

Recently he had mentioned it to a friend (female) and said to me he might ask her if she wants to do it with him? I said ‘why haven’t you asked me?!’ He said he didn’t think it was my sort of thing despite the fact I’d said it sounded fun.

Anyway I’ve booked it for us both. He isn’t happy! Said how he has to let down his friend I said ‘so ? She can still do it if she really wants to?’ He said I shouldn’t have muscled in ??!!!

Has this friend done anything to make you dislike her in the past? Has your husband ever did anything to make you not trust him? Honestly if the answer is no then if I was your husband id be a bit annoyed at you for this.

OK, I do understand your example and it actually shows more nuance about what it could mean to think men and women can't be just friends. I would still maintain that it is not OK to stop a DH from having female friends or vice versa (not that OP is doing that) just in case it turns into something more. I also think that many friendships have never had attraction from either person.

I'm bi. I have had short-lived crushes on many but not all of my platonic friends. I can't select to only be friends with people who I could never conceivably be attracted to, because then I'd not be allowed any friends.

@CherrysyrupCoffee my DH would definitely have asked me first before asking a friend.

As his friend is female it makes even less sense that he didn’t ask you first, as in he doesn’t mind doing the hobby with a female rather than a male.

Your DH is pushing your trust to its max. Can you tell us who this lady is to him? Colleague etc..

Does he do other stuff without you?

I can see both sides. I do think it odd that he didn’t pick up on the fact you’d said you think it would be enjoyable and explore that. That said, if he doesn’t have any other hobbies and spends all his free time at home/with you, I can understand the attraction of him wanting to do it with a friend.

On the other hand, if he’s always doing stuff on his own or without you and this is another thing added to that, I can understand why you’d be pissed off.

He goes to football every Sunday morning and goes to the gym 2/3 times a week

Yes that certainly complicates things. There is even a (possibly Freudian?) idea that even when a person is heterosexual, their same-sex friends are still people they “find attractive” in some way, and I think there is truth in that too.

I would never attempt to control my DH’s friendships. Which is why my first statement to the OP was that if she’s known about this friend for years why is it only weird now? But I married someone who agrees that men and women can’t just be friends. Groups are fine, but we don’t meet one on one with other members of the opposite sex. I keep “other men” at arms length because I don’t want to “give them the wrong idea”. But yes, you can’t really do that if you’re bisexual! You have to have more self control I guess 😂

Why is no one listening to OP. He gave the impression when she was keen to do it that he wanted to do it alone to put her off then when she booked as a treat got grumpy because he’d actually preferred to do it with another woman. Nothing to do with not allowing female friends. Of course it then looks suspicious on his part. Why not nip it in the bud if you value your marriage

Why has she annoyed you?

That’s a reasonable point, OP

Holy Mother of God. You just vapourised your own side of the argument.

Yet another weird thread where so many pp apparently think it's normal for a married man to prioritise a female friend over his wife.
Either an awful lot of pp don't understand what marriage is supposed to be about or they are deliberately undermining OP when she is rightly concerned that her H prefers another womans company to her own.

If the hobby is dogging then I can understand why you are upset, if it’s padel you need to wind your neck in.

You sound ridiculously controlling and immature.

I don’t often feel sorry for the men on these threads but I definitely feel sorry for your DH.

Poor guy.

This is one of those threads where I think I live in an alternate reality. Both DP and I have friends of the opposite sex, but when considering something new and needing a "mate" to do it with we'd both ask each other first, only moving onto friends, especially of the opposite sex, if our actual partner didn't fancy it.

I'd love y¹o think we live in a world where OP's concern is misplaced and there's no need for jealously, but I bet she's right.

OP booked it AFTER he said about going with his friend.

If you have no issue with the female friend, then I think you've really overstepped BUT if there are issues with the friend then I think it's not about the hobby and you need to address the "friend" issue.

If I'd been mooting doing something with a friend and my partner booked for the two of us without saying "how about we do it together" I'd be pretty irked and see it as muscling in too. Doing hobbies on your own or with someone else is generally pretty healthy when you're in a relationship. Most people need some space from each other and divergent interests to make home life not be too claustrophobic.

So is he never allowed to see a woman he’s known since uni without you being there to chaperone? That is controlling and bonkers.

No OP said that he told her he had spoke to his friend about it and was going to ask her to go.

OP then booked it AFTER he had told her he wanted to go with his friend.

He's already at gym 2-3 times per week and football sundays so ofcourse OP thought it would be nice to do something together. Her dh is thick and didn't get it- @CherrysyrupCoffee You have to be very specific with some men "I want to go with you" not just "sounds like fun".
Anyway can you go all three?

her husband has known the woman since university. I holiday with my good male friend I s known for years. I don’t shag him.

Well actually he said he had mentioned it to the OW. He was thinking about asking the OW to go with him.
OP is his wife if you hadn't noticed. You know, his life partner? The woman who has a reasonable expectation that she is the most important person in his life.
You seem to think the OW has automatic precedence in his affections.

Because, even though she is trying to get us to agree with her, the OP has not said
"I told him I'd like to try that" or said "Why don't we book it together" at any point over the months he has been talking about it.

Saying "It sounds fun" is completely different from "I'd like to do that".

My dh does Wild swimming, which I wouldn't do if you paid me. If he started talking about a special trip to swim under a waterfall 1/2 way up a mountain, I'd say things like "That sounds good" or even "That sounds fun" meaning it sounds like something you would really enjoy, not "I'd like to try that too".

He has been mentioning for months, and not once did she say to him she'd like to give it a try, or it would be a nice things they could do together.

Yes he already told her he was asking his friend.

So why would OP go and book it.
That’s so controlling and immature.

She can be the most important person in his life without him needing to do everything with her.
He is allowed to have friends and hobbies away from his wife.

I bet you wouldn’t have this view if the sexes were reversed.

😂 Mumsnet really is an alternate universe. How does being an old uni friend make her THE OTHER WOMAN. 😂