To have booked this for me and dh?

[CherrysyrupCoffee]

Dh has been saying for ages that he wants to start a particular hobby/activity. He hasn’t made any move to actually start but talks about it a lot.

Recently he had mentioned it to a friend (female) and said to me he might ask her if she wants to do it with him? I said ‘why haven’t you asked me?!’ He said he didn’t think it was my sort of thing despite the fact I’d said it sounded fun.

Anyway I’ve booked it for us both. He isn’t happy! Said how he has to let down his friend I said ‘so ? She can still do it if she really wants to?’ He said I shouldn’t have muscled in ??!!!

You need to ask yourself why it is an issue? Because I'm struggling to see it!

Even so, it doesn't mean that she is lacking self-respect or morals.

If you don't trust him, the relationship is dead. If you do trust him, this a controlling twattish thing to do. Take your pick.

If I knew I’d annoyed someone’s wife in a similar way I’d take a step back immediately.

You're dodging the question 😆

It's not about HER. You're the problem here!

You are jealous and controlling but why?

So she's known him years and yet you now think he's going to have an affair or something?

Your relationship sounds done if you have no trust in him simply hanging out with a friend just because she happens to be female.

I can't understand the poll, as I agree with every single one of the comments.
YABU and controlling.
You are just trying to prevent him spending time with his friend, not wanting to take up this new hobby at all.
As for what you are saying about her

What on earth has she done to annoy you? Is she supposed to refuse all contact with her old uni friend unless you approve it/are given first refusal?

Yabu.

Id be annoyed if I had planned to do something with a friend, and dh suddenly decided, actually, he was going to book it for me and him to do, so I either couldn't do it with said friend, or it changed to a wierd threesome activity, which I think changes the dynamics.... it does seem controlling.

Sometimes its nice to do things with a friend rather than dh.

You either trust him or you don't. And if you don't, then there is bigger problems than a hobby.

Well it’s sorted out now and booked , the issue was that he made out as if he wanted to do it alone, I expressed interest and enthusiasm about it and he didn’t extend an invitation and it really sounded like he wanted to do it just him. Then I felt hurt as he asked someone else so I just thought I’d take matters into my own hands as surely he would rather spend time with me than just a friend and he was really enthusiastic about the activity.

Yes it did irritate me that it’s a female friend but I’m sure she will understand when he tells her ? I would if I was in her position?

Can you only do it one time in your life?

is it Russian roulette?

can he do it with you and also with her another time?

She's not going to have any idea you are annoyed unless your husband tells her. She isn't a mind reader, to her it will just look like he has decided to do the hobby with his wife.

I'm usually firmly in the 'let partners do stuff with their friends too' camp but HIS behaviour (nothing to do with her and her lack of mind reading) is totally off and I would be very suspicious of his motives.

Controlling. He's best off out of this relationship (with you) and deserves better.

He made out it was something he wanted to do alone ? So I felt a bit misled as all the conversations he was saying about going and meeting new people would be good as well. Saying how much it cost (for one person ) so I didn’t expect he would then not invite me to join him but ask someone else. She hasn’t done it before so it’s not as if she’s an expert and that’s why.

But again.

1 - Why is the female friend the issue - why has she got no self-respect, or morals. What did she do wrong?

2 - What has happened in the past that makes you not trust your DH?

You expressed interest and enthusiasm - maybe he just didn't actually want to go with you? It's perfectly healthy and normal to want to do things with other people. Do you not have any friends?

I hope he cancels it and goes with her anyway.

I don’t understand why everyone is completely ignoring the part in the OP where the OP states that she responded to her DH suggestion of taking up this hobby positively and said repeatedly that she thought it sounded like fun.

Yes, you forced it, booked it and acted like a crazy person. You might have got your way technically but when you do go with him you can be safe in the knowledge, he doesn't want you there.

I just did.

Just because she stated that doesn't mean that he wants to do it with her. It's perfectly okay to want to spend time with friends and not just your spouse 🙄

If I’d arranged something with a long standing friend who then said “oh actually my wife is now coming” and I got the sense that she was only coming to monitor the situation and make sure the person I’d been friends with since uni wasn’t planning an affair, I’d back away because I’d assume she was insane.

I would not understand her view on this - they’ve known each other a long time and never been an item (as I assume you’d have mentioned that). And now you’re worried he’s planning an affair.

One of my best friends is a man I’ve known almost my entire adult life. We’ve never been anything but platonic. And I’d have no time for DH trying to control that friendship.

It totally depends on what it is, maybe she is not sporty or active and it’s a triathlon. We don’t know!

I assume the people who voted YANBU are people who don’t read ops further comments and realise that it’s about jealously and control on her part.

No one is ignoring that. A partner can think a hobby or interest their spouse is discussing sounds enjoyable but it doesn't mean they have to go with them and hold their hand.

He wanted to go and meet new people and going with another friend is a great way to do that. Less so when you go with a spouse who thinks you have to do everything together or if not then only by yourself.

Invite friend along too?

It’s strip poker. YANBU.

Maybe he thinks you'll be crap at whatever the activity is and doesn't want to tell you?

This response clarifies that you're being unreasonable and controlling.

Let your DH live his life.