Who is right? Long term partners but not married

[springisnotsofaraway]

A lovely family I know, they have two kids, together since they are 18, (so more than half their life).
She wants to get married, he doesn't (or let's say, isn't bothered in the slightest).
For some reason this came up in a conversation me and a friend were having and my friend said there's got to be something wrong as they are not married, it's odd that they have house, kids, etc but never married and that if it's right, the bloke always wants to get married.

Do you think this is true?? I don't think so but she was adamant that if all is well and the guy 1000% committed, you'd get married.

Not sure what the voting correlates to but I disagree with your friend. A house and kids are bigger ties than marriage.

Yes same, that's what I think!

Marriage is a safety net if you have a house and kids, it’s legal protection.

I don’t care about marriage but I do care about keeping my family safe, plus the tax breaks help.

The bloke probably doesn't want a wedding - which is different to getting married.

True! You could just go to the registry office though I suppose...

Unless they have good wills and financial agreements in place I would get married. It - legally - ties everything off nicely without requiring seperate arrrangements. Especially if your friend is the lower earner.

We don't know why your friend's partner doesn't want to get married. There could be a number of reasons.

If we are going to go by stereotypes (and I apologise for this) blokes are usually happy to do that.
It's usually the bride that wants an actual wedding.

There might be no reason to get married (eg financially neither of them would benefit from being married). If there's no practical reason then why would they?
Surely there's got to be a reason to enter into a legal contract

I don't think genuine commitment has to require marriage, no.

But I've come across enough situations where there are DC, the woman really wants to get married and the man won't to be aware it can be a problem.

Never known the bloke want to get married and the woman not. Some blokes run a mile from marriage I find... (Not all.)

Like hell would I have children with a man I'm not married to though. Never.

Not sure whether to click YANBU or YABU though as I don't really know what you're asking

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marriage is a legal contract that ties people together in terms of finances and inheritance. there are many reasons why people might / might not get married. but in general, it is a good idea for a long term relationship.

without a marriage (or a rock solid will), if one person dies suddenly the other might not inherit the house and everything would be much more complicated.

They're not at all, having a kid is a commitment to the child (or not, as demonstrated by the many deadbeat men on the planet)
a mortgage is a commitment to a bank.

Boyfriend and girlfriend is not a commitment, by very definition.
If people want to get married and legally become each others family, they do it.

This. Anyone refusing to get married (to someone they have been with for quite a few years) is waiting to someone better to come along IMO.

Yy, having a child with someone isn't inherently a commitment to that person. Neither that nor owning joint property are comparable to marriage, ie an institution you can only be in with one person at a time, that you require the state's permission and facilitation of and that changes your legal and financial position.

I don't think OPs friend is necessarily right, but a house and in particular a child with someone is absolutely not a bigger commitment than marriage.

Yes so that's exactly what my friend says, that something is missing otherwise he'd want to get married. I always disagreed with this but I have since come across quite a few couples where the guy says "I'm not just wanting to get married" and lo and behold, a few years later he meets a new woman and marries a year later.

i dont think it necessarily wrong to want to not be or be bothered about being married . i dont think it means a lack of committment but if i were the man(or the woman) id think if i died my partner wouldnt be secure in relation to inheritance tax and would have to go through probate and my children and partner would suffer. financially and if i loved them and was committed to them i would do anythin gto avoid that. So why not be "bothered in the slightest " about that?
If being married doesnt matter and your family would lose out financially if you died unmarried why wouldnt you be bothered is the real question....

Civil partnerships exist.

DP and I have been together for more than half our lives, have DC together and a mortgage and all that. We're not married. I think he'd happily get married (we've talked about it before).

I hate admin, don't want a wedding but also don't want a quiet registry office thing. I don't particularly love the idea of marriage and I really really don't want to organise it.

Writing our wills was a lot more straightforward. Also, no, I'm not watching our for something better

Women need to stop giving men the babies and homes FIRST if they really want to get married.

If he wants a life and kids with her enough, he'll be happy to marry first.

If one of them is a lower earner and doing more of the unpaid labour in terms of childcare/hoisework then it is horrible and selfish of the other one to not marry them. And foolish of the lower earner to have children without the protection of marriage..

Depends on the man I suppose but I tend to think that when a man knows he’s won the lottery he wants to lock her down pronto. That said, I think a lot of couples who meet young don’t get engaged for a long time because marriage isn’t on the table after a few years like it is when you’re adults dating. They kind of miss the step and then don’t know whether it’s worth doing!

I'm twenty years into a committed but unmarried relationship. I can't see how getting married would be a bigger commitment than our mortgage and kids, and I don't care much about what people outside our relationship think about it.

It works for us because of careful and informed financial planning, and because neither of us was a sahp.

I love dp very much, but the idea of marriage and it's historical association with ownership of women makes my skin crawl. That said, if it really mattered to dp, I'd marry him. I'm glad it doesn't, though.

Yes- I can kind of see that! They've been together since 1st year university