Who is right? Long term partners but not married

[springisnotsofaraway]

A lovely family I know, they have two kids, together since they are 18, (so more than half their life).
She wants to get married, he doesn't (or let's say, isn't bothered in the slightest).
For some reason this came up in a conversation me and a friend were having and my friend said there's got to be something wrong as they are not married, it's odd that they have house, kids, etc but never married and that if it's right, the bloke always wants to get married.

Do you think this is true?? I don't think so but she was adamant that if all is well and the guy 1000% committed, you'd get married.

Again, this only applies if they have an estate large enough for that to be an issue, which most people actually don't.

Id love to know what this wild claim is based on! I don't think it's based in reality at all. Marriage is largely the "well trodden path" for committed relationships, my experience is that couple who deviate from this largely do so for ideological reasons.

I think for most people it's more to do with a rejection of patriarchal norms and the societal narrative that rates "getting picked by a man" as the pinnacle of women's achievement.

This is right. While I agree that marriage is a protection if one partner gives up work to care for dc, for families where work and childcare responsibilities are equally shared (and you aren't hugely wealthy) it's perfectly possible to manage finances and protect everyone without getting married.

Your friend is right.

I don't think that's true. I think people place different value on marriage, for some it's nothing but a piece of paper. I see having children together as a much bigger commitment. I know not everyone does and there are a lot of single parents but for me divorcing and walking away without children can be a complete clean break, you never need to have anything to do with them again. When children are involved you need to maintain some kind of relationship with that person for the sake of someone else. You are also chosing the person who will parent your children and if you've any sense you're chosing someone you believe to be very special to do that.

Marriage is the easiest way to do the paperwork to protect the person you love. Even if you are equal earners, you never know what life will bring in terms of health, injury, or needs of the children. Declaring to the government that when things get bad you agree to share your money is the ultimate proof of love and trust.

I think if one feels strongly about it and the other doesn't then it's an interesting choice not to just do the legal paperwork. Its not that much hassle and it benefits the person you love in a way that shouldn't cause you any harm.

Even if you're married you still need to sort POA.

House and kids are bigger ties but without the legal protections that marriage gives you if you gave up your job to raise those kids or if you didnt pay into the house because you are a sahp.

Marriage is a contract that gives legal rights. Without it you’re running at high risk on both sides regarding property and protection around the children.

I think part of that is that most couples dying now we're married, so have £1m tax free allowance. If you only have £325k and you own a house then that could quite easily go over that. Although in the OPs situation with all things being equal, I'd be a tenants in common on the house which would arguably be better than being married because the surviving partner could just marry someone else and end up giving them your half of your house.

Hardly "the ultimate proof" though? We have all seen how appalling many marriages are.

I realise marriage is very meaningful for some people, but I don't believe it's any guarantee at all that your partner will behave decently in the future. There's no guarantee of that, except knowing them and judging their character.

Until one of you dies. Then you're stuffed. Also next of kin isn't automatically your partners, it will be their parent.

Father will have less say in the children and what happens to them.

You can't even register that they are the father unless they go to the registry office

Loads of benefits to being married

I'm always bemused when people talk about marriage being a piece of paper and clearly imagine themselves to sound intelligent. It's a legal contract. Normally those are printed on paper, yes, what with it being the most practical option. As opposed to, say, on a lettuce, a passing goat, or the Manchester Ship Canal.

It's not like there aren't good reasons why it makes sense for some couples not to marry either. This isn't one of them.

Except when they are an adulterer who fights every step of the way to be the victim. (In his own downfall).

Marriage meant nothing. I’m never going to be in a position again, where my home had to be sold (in fact our house was put on the market without me knowing, I wondered which of our neighbours was selling, as I turned into the land, to fin once I got to our house, that it was me), where me and our DC’s had to move, where decisions were taken that I could do nothing about.

Marriage did not protect me.

Most of my friends (age 50) had a career & bought their own house. Then at 35-ish got married, had kids, bought a house together.

Younger couples (my cousins), say Millennials, had the kids, bought the house, then eventually got married a few years later.

I know one or two where he didn’t want to get married, but she did. Once she turned 40, he dumped her & got engaged fairly quickly!

Just to add that my friends’ generation didn’t give up their careers, they still worked, but found career progression harder of course…

Wrong site to ask this question on, MH posters are generally marriage mad. They cant think for one second that it makes little difference to anything if both parties are equals but of course many women set their lives up to be less than equal. MH tends to believe that women are nearly always victims in relationships.

If you are likely to pay IHT, then marriage is helpful, but in our case there wont be any due because we're povvos!! We're not married because I dont want to be, he does. Im the higher earner and a higher tax payer, I protect my income and wouldnt want to be in a situation where Im handing over money and some of my pension to him if we split up, no thank you. I also own the majority of the house.

True, but you have to go through a lot to buy a house/get married, as in you can't just do it on a whim, at least in the UK. Lots of legal steps first, meaning you can't do it by accident. And you can get out of the situation, not easily or cheaply maybe, but you can sell a house, or divorce (depending on religion).

While if you're a man, unless you plan on not having sex until the time you want kids, you could easily end up having them when you didn't want to. Condoms are only 97% effective, snip is not reversible, and obviously it's the woman's choice as to whether the baby is born or not, in the UK.

So while kids SHOULD be the biggest commitment, it's the only one of the 3 that can happen without planning. Sadly some men go along with things, but won't marry the woman because they're hoping to find someone they love one day, and do leave the person they're living with when that happens.

What protections would she have in the case of infidelity? Or even just a split.

Some people just dont do marriage. Sometimes they need a push. One couple I know it took a dying family memeber for them to tie the knot another the nearly adult kids really wanted them to marry

We’ve been together for almost 30 years since we were 19/20, have 3 children, but have never married. We are committed and very happy. If either of us wanted to get married then the other one would do it, but it’s just not important to either of us.

All of this.

A relative through marriage had difficulty when her partner died unexpectedly. Had they been married, she'd have had some automatic protection. (Her partner had not got round to writing his will.)

My stepson and his partner finally married after seeing the difficulty caused by the fact that his BIL and partner had never married.

I find it odd to do all that before you are married if you want to be married that is

Couples can be together forever but not be married it is not everything in life it os a choice lile any other

If womwn stopped using men for their earning potential then there would be less need

But if getting married was so important do an individual then get married first then do the rest sounds logical first