Who is right? Long term partners but not married

[springisnotsofaraway]

A lovely family I know, they have two kids, together since they are 18, (so more than half their life).
She wants to get married, he doesn't (or let's say, isn't bothered in the slightest).
For some reason this came up in a conversation me and a friend were having and my friend said there's got to be something wrong as they are not married, it's odd that they have house, kids, etc but never married and that if it's right, the bloke always wants to get married.

Do you think this is true?? I don't think so but she was adamant that if all is well and the guy 1000% committed, you'd get married.

I see your point, but does the inheritance tax issue not annoy you though?

People can walk away from a child without looking back too. You only have to deal with the other parent for the rest of your days if you actually stay in the shared child's life.

Yes and if it’s your reason 2, you owe it to your partner to be completely up front about it, and then support them to make choices that will give them security, eg even if it makes your life harder for them to work when you can cover all the bills for them being a SAHP, you have to encourage them to work.

It depends on the person. For some men, it might be a sign of something missing, but others would happily marry while never intending to stick to their vows.

In your friend's place, I wouldn't be happy if I wanted to get married and he didn't. Especially with kids and shared property in the mix. I'd insist, in fact. If she's okay with something low key and affordable and he still refuses, then I think there's a problem.

More than two reasons.
They are happy as they and don't need a piece of paper to prove it.
Confident and happy no need to be a sheep.
We are living now not years ago when people would expect it.

That's so lovely, huge congratulations!

All very interesting points. In their case, I happen to know that they earn almost exactly the same and have a very fair share of the labour. So I suppose the financial protection bit doesn't really matter.

I’ve been in a relationship with my DP for 26 years and we are not married. We have 2 DC, 2 DDogs and a house together.

i am the one who set out very early on that I didn’t want to get married. For lots of reasons that I won’t go into here. If my circumstances were different I might do it though. Eg if there was a big earning or pension disparity, or if our assets would be enough to attract IHT and mean one of us could lose the house (as that is our only asset currently).

In short i dont not wanting to get married means he isn’t committed. However, she is also reasonable in wanting the security and emotional commitment of marriage. If my DP had cared more about getting married (he wanted to) I would have done it as my commitment to him is more important than my reasons for wanting to avoid marriage. A male friend of mine married his wife for that reason, he wasn’t keen for himself, but he was happy to do it as it was important to her.

incidentally we will probably get a civil partnership at some point as it would make a few things a bit more simple, esp if our assets ever get high enough.

How does getting legal protections make you a sheep 😂

You don’t even have to tell your family and friends if you don’t want to.

Those aren't the only two reasons at all. You really shouldn't assume you know what other people's thought processes and feelings are.

I'm not married. I've been with my partner for 24 years. I'm certainly not waiting for a better option - we're incredibly happy together and I adore him. We don't have kids together and neither of us has kids from previous relationships. Neither of us would get half the other's 'shit' if we were to divorce - we don't have kids and neither of us is financially better off than the other. We own a house together as joint tenants already, so marriage wouldn't change anything in terms of rights to the property if we split. We're already the sole beneficiaries of each other's wills and pensions.

Essentially, we're not married because we simply don't need to be. It wouldn't change anything about our relationship and would simply be unnecessary admin for us. There's no lack of commitment and no fear of losing 'half our shit'.

I got married because I wanted our relationship to have legal status. I wanted to be his next of kin and he wanted to be mine. We’ve been married 36 years no children

My waiting for a better option was more aimed at men who don’t want to marry.

But if you’re happy being a forever girlfriend then you do you.

I take it you’ve also sorted out power of attorney.

What percentage of marriage break up?
Who is the primary investigator in the couple to initiate it?
Would you sign a contract where the other party can cancel at any time and leave you worse off?
Three possibly relevant questions.

Agree that marriage isn't necessary for a true commitment, but also that someone in a long term relationship who refuses when their partner wants to, is probably not really committed, they're just happy with how things are.

I don’t think she is right. Some people just aren’t fussed about being married. She is imposing her thoughts on others.

I can see a bloke would be more keen if it risked losing the relationship but that’s not a concern for him so no incentive to do something he is not fussed about.

Also depends how much she has shown “she wants to”.

Yes I would sign a contract because for most men they are not worse off in marriage and people rarely leave marriages they are happy with.

Exactly this.
20 years together, unmarried, live in our own homes. No problem. If other people think we're only boyfriend and girlfriend, fine.
I'm never going to find myself living with someone i can no longer stand, worried about dividing our assets, like so many people on MN.

You assume here everybody shares the exact same view of marriage.

My friend (female) was not interested in being married. She just never saw herself married for various reasons. But her the boyfriend was insistent on it. She realised she wanted him more than she cared about being unmarried so she married him and is very happy.

But she would happily have remained unmarried. I don’t share her view but I can understand to some people marriage just isn’t something they care about.

Me! Female, long term relationship, partner wants to get married, I don’t.

Marital assets are jointly owned. It’s not his shit it’s theirs.

She should not be punished because the couple decided on a traditional workload split for the benefit of the family. Post divorce she will still be the one worst off even with an equitable split of assets.

If they have assets it will cost them when one dies. All for sake of £150 civil partnership or registry office wedding they could lose thousands in inheritance tax. Most people want to ensure parter ok financially after they die and the kids get an inheritance.

Sure, if they have an estate large enough to be liable for inheritance tax. But the majority of people actually don't.

Unmarried couples need to look into inheritance tax issues . A marriage certificate is not just "a piece of paper"

That's nonsense. There are all sorts of reasons people don't want to get married (not religious, don't believe in patriarchal institutions etc etc), doesn't mean they are waiting for someone better to come along ... As long as you're both happy with it I don't see what the fuss is about.

But if you’re happy being a forever girlfriend then you do you

What a weird, passive-aggressive response. Why so tetchy about other people's totally happy, healthy relationships?

I'm not disparaging about people who feel it's important to get married, so not sure why you're so disparaging about people who don't? Neither is wrong. It's just personal choice.

I take it you’ve also sorted out power of attorney

That's not relevant to my marital status because marriage doesn't give someone power of attorney for their spouse. My mother had to apply for power of attorney for my late father, to whom she'd been married for 60 years, in exactly the same way I'd have to apply for power of attorney for my partner.

So if you're married, and you want power of attorney, that's something you'll also need to sort out - just like an unmarried couple would.