Who is right? Long term partners but not married

[springisnotsofaraway]

A lovely family I know, they have two kids, together since they are 18, (so more than half their life).
She wants to get married, he doesn't (or let's say, isn't bothered in the slightest).
For some reason this came up in a conversation me and a friend were having and my friend said there's got to be something wrong as they are not married, it's odd that they have house, kids, etc but never married and that if it's right, the bloke always wants to get married.

Do you think this is true?? I don't think so but she was adamant that if all is well and the guy 1000% committed, you'd get married.

There is no need to be married today . It's outdated and forced upon people by the church, it does not stop people cheating or splitting up either.

The committment is staying together, not being married . There will be couples who are still together years later who didn't marry while the married ones have parted company.
It's nothing to do with anyone else either anyone else's set up.

My marriage has nothing to do with "the church" 🤷

How on earth is marriage forced upon people by the church? The UK has had civil marriage for nearly 200 years and the vast majority of weddings are held outside religious premises.

Of course there’s a need if they decide to have children and one party gives up their career to do the unpaid labour.

There isn't a need obviously,if there was everyone would be married and they are not.

Families look very different now, things have changed over the generations.
It's the churches fault it was ever pushed as the way to go.

The bit that doesn't make sense to me in this situation is that you say the man isn't bothered (rather than is actively anti marriage). So if she wants to get married and he doesn't care either way, then why not just get married? I don't understand.

Whether or not there's a need depends on whether the couple require or would benefit from the legal and financial provisions of marriage or not. There certainly exist people who aren't married/in a CP and suffer because of it. The fact that someone has happened to arrange their relationship in a particular way certainly doesn't mean it was done in an informed manner.

As for 'fault' are you aware that marriage existed for thousands of years before any church did?

I don’t think it necessarily means a lack of commitment - in this couple’s case, the longevity of the relationship is evidence of their commitment in itself - but I do think that a lot of people simply don’t think about the non-romantic implications of marriage, inheritance and tax and so on, and so see it as ‘just a piece of paper’ when in reality it means so much more.

How is he 1000% committed? Are there ten of him?

There was an ‘if’ attached to my post, I’m not sure if you missed it.

the lower earner doing the unpaid labour and childcare absolutely does NEED to be married to the paid worker if that is how they have decided to split the work. Otherwise they have zero financial protection.

there are many cases of the parent doing the unpaid labour (mostly women) being absolutely shafted in the event of splitting up.

parents should be making sure their daughters know never to become sahms without the protection of marriage.

I'm finally planning my wedding after 16 years.... Second marriage, separate homes up until now, managed 5 kids between us and their other parents, now flown the nest.

We didn't want a fancy do so are trying to arrange something that suits us without all the faff and bother.

Had we been younger, with joint kids and mortgage I would have insisted on marriage before either (she says, having had two kids before I got married the first time round...)

@springisnotsofarawayshe wants to get married and he’s not bothered, so they should get married. Just a legal cheap ceremony.

More likely he is bothered, and does care about marriage, which is why he’s putting it off and trying to avoid it.

A mortgage is not a commitment to your partner, it’s a commitment to the bank, and a financial investment. It is very easy to sell a house and get back your deposit money plus split any profit. It does not equate to him committing to housing her and the children.

Having a child is a commitment to the child, not the other parent. 18 years might sound like a long time but it passes very quickly. Having a child with someone really doesn’t tie you to someone forever. It certainly creates no obligation to provide a share of your pension or hand over a share of your savings, even if your now expartner is the one who provided childcare so you could build those savings or get the promotion.

No, I have been with DP since 1979 , we are not married and he doesn't want to get married.

My DP stopped asking me to marry him after about the 10th time I said hell no, stop asking 😂

I dont want him getting half my shit if we divorced, and ive seen too many kids get screwed over when the mum has died and dad has remarried again. Not gonna happen.

Plus, theres just no benefit for me at all to get married and i find it really old fashioned and pointless 🤷‍♀️

That's totally what happened with us! And then there was never really a time when it felt needed or like the right moment.

I think there’s often this issue with long term couples and one partner wants to marry and the other doesn’t.
The trouble with men who are of the it’s only a piece of paper viewpoint they often don’t bother with other admin like wills, nominating their partner to inherit pension etc.
The biggest uptake in opposite sex civil partnerships is older couples 50s and presumably for IHT reasons.

It's much more likely that couples with children who aren't married will split up than those that are though. Of course they might have other factors in common such that getting married wouldn't keep them together, but it's a fact.

I’d never have kids and a house with someone without getting married or being engaged.

It sounds like a massive red flag 🚩 to me because she isn’t protected in the case of a split or infidelity etc. Usually a man doesn’t want to marry because he’s protecting himself financially imo!

usually because they’re protecting their assets in the case of a divorce!

I would says most of the time, in this materialist world we now live in, the person not bothered about getting married is usually the one who has more assets or money, is the bread winner and wants to retain complete financial control.

You can bet yourself if they were not the bread winner they would be more interested.

People can walk away from marriages and never see or hear from each other again, like it never even happened. Even if the other parent is a deadbeat, you will have to deal with that (if purely through your child) for the rest of your life. I am in the former situation, while everyone I know who has broken up with someone they share a child with has a great deal more to do with them whether they were married or not.

But we can agree to disagree! I'm not questioning your marriage!

Only two reasons people tend not to marry.

1. They are awaiting a better option really it’s not that they are against marriage or don’t see the point it’s that they don’t want to marry you.

2. They don’t want to risk losing half their shit in a divorce.

1 you see happen loads with men. Won’t marry or equally no babies as he isn’t ready yet or it’s not for him. Separate and a new woman is pregnant and engaged to him within a year.

2 makes total sense if you have children prior to meeting your new partner to protect them and their future inheritance. Also makes sense if you’re from a very wealthy family or have grown a good company / income.

You don’t need god to get married or a big party just two witnesses.

See this is another mistake so many women make - because he’s not left after 20 years means he never will. This is just not true.

Because if she wants marriage, and assuming she would be ok with cheap, registry office one, then the most likely reason he doesn’t want marriage is because marriage makes leaving harder. He might never leave, but he is choosing not to fully commit to her. He’s keeping his options open.

Just because he’s not found someone better yet doesn’t mean he’s not open to the idea. He might never leave, that’s not the same as being fully committed.

Hopefully she is financially secure and hasn’t gone part time to look after his kids.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/marriagecohabitationandcivilpartnerships/bulletins/civilpartnershipsinenglandandwales/2022#age-of-civil-partners

I can understand the feeling the moment has passed if you’ve been together a long time and have zero desire for a wedding.

I don’t understand if you are a committed partnership why you just wouldn’t register it as a civil partnership and so the paperwork is there to make life easier for when one gets ill or dies. It’s far less loaded, you could do it without telling anyone and put with your wills.