My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

The OP doesn't know how much the DDS has in her account, so I don't understand where you got £18k from.

However the OP only has £18k in HER savings, which is less than 2 years of private school funding.

Op said she did not mind the step daughter ebing aprt of the family - you do not get a choice OP she is partof your family.

The father of all 3 children can not afford to apy for all threee children to go to private school - then he needs to decide whether he favours 2 more than the other or they all get pulled out.

There's no suggestion that the mother is even aware that he's asking the OP.

OP seems to see the family as a temporary arrangement - this is what I infer from the treatment of one child differently to the other two.

Should her current relationship end would she be able and willing to pay 50%of fees? That’s what she implies her predecessor should be doing.

Does she want the three children to have a strong relationship and support each other in adulthood? Treating them differently won’t lead to that.

Does she not understand that her husband will love his children equally and maybe have some guilt around the oldest child? He will inevitably feel protective towards her and as the significantly higher earner will resent not being able to give his oldest child the same opportunities as the other two because it is vetoed by the wife who admits benefiting from his income - which now appears to be at the expense of this child.

Anyone with a heart would want the three children to feel part of the same family and a big part of that is equitable treatment. Anyone intelligent would see that spending the next few years helping DSD and becoming an enmeshed strong and supportive family is best for her and her kids in the long run.

He earns an absolute fortune so struggling to see why he can't afford a third set of fees for a relatively short period of time. Having said that if he can't then the responsibility for his eldest daughters fees lies with him and his ex wife. Not you OP. He may have a think and stop saving for his daughter or renegotiate maintenance to free up money. He may suggest you pay more towards your daughter's fees, giving him spare money towards his eldest daughters fees. That's the point at which you have to decide what your next step is. I think he's being ridiculous in his current approach, he hasn't thought it through, just gone for the easiest solution which is to ask you to pay. And chucked in some emotional blackmail too. When it comes down to it this is something he has to sort out with his ex wife and if she point blank refuses to pay he needs to come up with a proper solution. If I was you I would want a very clear picture of his finances before moving forwards.

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make.
@CheeseSheep

Of course he's not making that distinction because there IS NO distinction to him, the are all his dcs.

You're making the distinction because there IS an actual distinction for you.

If the mother was deceased and she lived with you and your two daughters then yes, you should pay the fees.
this is not the case, she has a mother,you do not have any form of parental responsibility and early on in her educational career those with parental responsibility made their decisions based upon their vales. Have the mother’s values changed for some reason or has she just decided you are a convenient cash cow? If her values haven’t changed then the benefit she receives from her private education will be diminished by her mother’s attitude.
if her attitude has changed then let her put her money where her mouth is, your husband will have been paying her child support so doubtless she has savings too.
Dont fund her lifestyle choices, people don’t tend to appreciate what they have not paid for.
And you are NOT her mother so why do you have to behave as though you are? If you had a child from before you met your husband would you expect your husband to fund their education?

YANBU. His daughter, he pays.

Ahh. Thank you. I totally misread that.

Sorry, OP. Please ignore.

The mother doesn't sound that bothered whether she goes there or not, she said if the DH wants her to go there then it's up to him to pay for it, there's no suggestion whatsoever that the mother sees the OP as a convenient cash cow or knows that her ex is asking the OP to pay towards it.

Why do people on here have to put another woman down in order to support a different woman, when she hasn't done anything wrong?

In light of everything you’ve said, OP. And given DSD’s age, I think you should pay the extra fees BUT come to some sort of arrangement with DH about giving you a commensurate amount of financial security by eg giving you a small share of his business. He has assets, not cash.

Yes it sticks in the craw that you’re paying for another person’s child just because they refuse, but DSD was part of the package when you married him. At that point anything could have happened and you could saddled with a lot more than this.

DH has an equal duty to all his children. He can’t give more to the younger two. If he can’t afford this school for all three (because the mothers he chose don’t earn enough to pay their shares or they don’t believe in private schooling or whatever other reason), all three girls have to downgrade. It’s the only way he can do things right.

I also was on your side completely in your OP until the last bit when he said he wouldn’t refuse to pay for your older child if the tables were turned. I think this is true.

Your real worry is twofold: you don’t want to lose financial independence (there’s a solution to that), you don’t want to pay his ex’s share on principle (she’s also your DH’s child and came as part of the deal). I think you should pay in return for DH replenishing your financial independence in a way that he can, eg shares in his business or a bigger share of the house or something else.

ETA: can the school fees be paid out of the savings account opened for DSD?

The financial education provision isn’t your responsibility OP

ad a couple you and your husband can afford your children’s fees

as a mother and father he and his ex CANT afford THEIR child’s fees

his exes financial lack isn’t your responsibility to uphold

I’m fairly sure she could get a better paid job or over time hours and work out a schedule of repayment to her child’s father for the difference if he pays it upfront
that’s not unreasonable
Does he pay maintenance for his daughter ? If so perhaps maintenance payments could stop for a while with the understand he is paying all private school fees ? of course that would be laughed at so why is it okay for you to be in financial safety net detriment

sometimes we have to draw a boundary and it’s perfectly okay to say I’m sorry I’m not comfortable with covering the other parent’s financial needs

if between them they can’t afford THEIR child’s education setting then what else is going to continue down the line that his ex can’t afford and you’ll be expected to cover

stick to your guns you are already paying two children’s private schooling and it isn’t fair to put this on you in this way of pressure

@Terfarina The OP has 18K saved up and her DH wants her to pay an additional 10K a year towards the school fees.

Her savings won't even cover two years of that arrangement, plus she'll have no savings left at all. They really need to review their finances, because what he's asking her to do isn't possible atm, is it.

It's not as simple as having a heart, she literally can't do what he's asking her to do. It sounds as if they need to cut back in order to afford three sets of school fees.

Presumably then if Op splits with her husband then she will accept shouldering 50% of their fees? And if she can't afford it then the same applies and she should get a better job?
Her husband can only afford fees if he can afford to fund them for all three of his children.

It sounds like her kids should go to state school then, as they will have to if this relationship ends and (based on the principles she espouses) their dad should only pay 50% of their private school fees. Op has no safety net if that happens

Of course you should uphold financial commitment you’ve made to your own children

perhaps this is why she doesn’t want her own savings gone into ! In case she ever does need to pay her own children’s school fees in future !

Their dad is the one who pushed for private school in the first place and is also the driver in trying to get his eldest to go.

So I would imagine if they split that he will be likely to continue to pay more seeing as he's so obsessed with having his kids in private school.

Would you be happy if your DSD recieved the same inheritance as your other two daughters, from your husband and you, plus an inheritance from her mother? If you not happy with this sceranio then don't pay her school fees.

I was about to say the same as @kkloo , Dad's the parent who's pushed for them to go to a private school, not the OP.

She really can't drain her savings to facilitate his wishes, it would be madness.

As I said, they both really need to review their finances to see whether private school is feasible for the three children. I appreciate that the Dad wants the same for all the children, but the OP doesn't have the amount that he's asking for. Neither does his ex for that matter.

He can only afford private school for DD 1 & DD2 because the OP is paying part of the fees. He cannot afford private school for his daughter / OP's DSD because DSD's mother is unwilling to pay.
The responsability is with the mother herself, not with OP.

Well not quite. He would be able to afford to send all 3 if OP paid 50% of her own DDs.

It's incredible how the dad is the one who pushed for his 2 daughters with the OP to go to private school, it's the dad who pushed for it with the ex, the dad is the one who is giving his partner shit for it and making out she's selfish, the ex has done nothing of the sort, she's just told her ex, if you really want her to go then you have to be the one pay for it, yet the 2 women in this story are the ones being blamed!

They have agreed to fund the fees on the basis of what they earn, which is reasonable.
Would you expect the OP to include DSD in her will and gift the same amount to her as her own DDs?

So the OP currently pays 25% of her DD's fees, which is £10,305. Plus £3,270 for lunches and an undetermined amount for extra curricular activites and uniforms. Let's say £14-15K.

If she paid 50% of the fees, that would be £20, 710 plus lunches, etc. so probably close to £25K.

Then she's got her share of the household bills.

It should be doable @squarecrow, but I have a feeling that those household bills are high.