My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

hes being really unfair about this
As this thread is showing, this a matter of opinion, not a fact.

Ultimately, he has the choice to pay it all, but then reduce where he pays extra. Not contribute towards a new car for you, only pay towards one holiday, not paying towards a house extension, or whatever else his money is going towards to benefit you and your children, so that you'll have to start to pay more. It will end up just the same that you'll have to contribute more.

I thought I read she agreed to it in the OP but just couldn't afford it.

The waters are muddy. You combine incomes so in theory he could say, right you pay for one of ours girls school fees and I will pay the others two.
In this situation is would be incline to include dsd fees since dh is paying the majority of your shared daughtes fees

Yeah but in this circumstances changing the boot means changing the salient facts.

Situations like these are not commutative.

@Pedant61

i don’t think the child’s mother would agree!

She agreed. She didn't push. Previously she didn't agree.

I DID READ THE OP ffs.

DSD didn’t go to private school because mother didn’t believe in private education but it wasn’t clear whether this was a belief that was held at the point that DSD started to attend school (age5) or whether there was a further discussion about it at the point they decided to send the youngest children to private school. Parents can change their minds- that’s perfectly acceptable, particularly if there is going to be inequality between siblings and when the eldest child is unhappy at school.

The OP said nothing about the mother’s finances. Maybe she genuinely cannot afford to pay towards it, while it sounds as though OP and her husband between them probably can (however they decide to split/ divide them). The way in which they divide their finances is irrelevant to the children. They’re married- all their income is joint and they both have an obligation towards all children. Of course I expect OP to fund it if she can afford it. If she can’t, she can’t. But if she can, she married a man with a child and she took on that responsibility when she married him. The children should all be treated equally.

The more you reveal, OP, the less I like your DH.

Is there anything you could cut back on OP so as to afford it for all three?

Exactly this.

It's an odd description of the situation with a fungible asset like money to arrive at the conclusion the OP is paying the DD's school fees.

I'm surprised the DH decided to frame it like that - or maybe it is the OP who did.

It has been explained to you over and over that ‘you paying thousands for her’ is a really bizarre and disingenuous way of viewing it. No. You’d just be for once contributing more than 25% to your own children’s education so that he can afford to pay for his first child on his own.

Apologies as not sure if this has been suggested but what if you both paid half each for your children's fees - DH would then have extra money to pay for his DD'S fees?

You need to remember that his DD fees will only be for 4 more years so perhaps for the next 4yrs he can only pay 50% for your joint children's fees in order to pay for his DD full fess
Your DD fees are for another 11 years. (Assuming both go up to end of A levels) so overall, your DH contributions will still be more for your joint DC education.

OP contributes towards her DC attending an independent school, dh's ex wife refuses to pay a bean. That is the difference. That is why OP's DC can go. In addition to paying 25 per cent of fees OP pays for lunches, uniforms, all activities so closer to 50 percent really.

If you decided to go halves on the education fees for your DDs and DSD's mum funds lunches and extra curricular activities would it be affordable for him then without you contributing to DSDs school fees directly?
Or is there a state school nearby that you could move them all to? Because that would be the other option.
I do see the benefit of them having equal treatment, whilst also seeing that it's DH pushing for private education, he has the bigger income, so he should pay for DSD if it's important to him. I agree that DSD isn't your financial responsibility, and certainly not for fees at that level.

If DD1 has been getting an amount put aside and DD2 and DD£ have not, would an answer - if funds are currently unable to stretch to the school fees for all three - be to dip into that money?

If that amount was being put aside by DH, I think that is a fair approach.

I think, since you're not overly bothered about private school, you should agree with him that its not fair for the sisters to be educated differently, take your two out of private school and save yourself the thousands of pounds you're spending on it. You'll need it when he drives you to divorce him with his unrealistic expectations.
And if its something he cares strongly about then he can find the money to pay for it.

The ex wife should b paying 50 percent. Why should OP pay towards her DC but the ex wife not pay a bean? How is that fair?

You don't have to care for your SD's education. He has a responsibility to be equally fair to all his daughter. It wasn't an issue when the older one didn't care about the difference, it becomes one when she does.

The heart of the matter is that he earns more than you, so he ultimately has more purchasing power. He has a right to some decision about how the extra he earns should be spent especially when his wishes is to offer the same opportunity to all his children.

You might not like it, you might feel you have more of a right to his income, but it is still his income and can choose how to spend a lots of it.

And that can very much mean reducing the luxuries you inevitably benefit from his income.

As far as I see it, that is essentially what has been suggested. It has just somehow morphed into being OP paying DD1's fees, when in fact she is being asked to pay half of her own dc after a period of only paying 25.

I can see both sides and whilst there is a strong argument for you not contributing, in your husband’s shoes I’d likely be suggesting that I cannot afford the private school fees of your DD1 & DD2 and suggesting you increase your contribution to those so I could fully support my daughter.

Excellent point. Offer to go halves 🤣🤣

Apologies as not sure if this has been suggested but what if you both paid half each for your children's fees - DH would then have extra money to pay for his DD'S fees?
It's not the principle OP has an issue with, she just doesn't want to share more of her money, however it is spent and for whom.

I don't think he is being unfair. I think it was fair that he tried to get you on board, I think if I was in his situation I'd be telling you that we need to reassess the contributions to the family bills as I will be paying school fees for older DD so will have less to contribute. I think he'd be fair to say outgoings need to change to a 50/50 split and if that means making cut backs so be it.

It seems as though all the family members who are contributing to DSD’s large savings account need to redirect their contributions to DSD’s school fees.

And DH needs to redirect some of the excess CM payments that he’s paying the ex to the school fees fund if DSD’s mum won’t contribute.

that said, a child who is in need of a “fresh start” might not actually experience any kind of fresh start by moving school. Same shit, different place. So it could end up being a waste of time and money.

Also, getting good GCSEs and A Levels depends on hard work. A private school isn’t a magic bullet for this and is in fact far worse than, say, a good grammar school. Because a lot of the private fee money and time goes on extracurricular stuff - and it depends on the work ethic and ability of the child. You can’t just buy grades. Is she a hard worker?

I have to say that if my kids were in Y1 and Y3, I’d be trying to move near a high quality state school. Regardless of the fees that might arise for DSD, the fees over the next 12 years for your two DDs are cumulatively astronomical and have an impact on your quality of life. And then that’s not to mention uni fees which are sitting at just under 10k per year, plus another 5-10 for accommodation.

It’s been suggested over and over again right from the start, and is posssibly how the dh phrased it anyway which the op then spun for this thread, but the op just ignores it and reverts back to ‘why should I pay for dsd’ when she wouldn’t be at all. She’d just be paying an equal share for her own daughters.