My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

@Nearly50omg dsd mum can decide she doesn’t want to pay for HER child’s education that’s fine BUT it doesn’t mean another woman who isn’t the child’s parent takes over paying instead!!!

Right. That’s the end of the conversation. I can’t believe DH is making OP feel guilty when it between him and his ex.

Then OP should pay for her own daughters.

In my head it would be fair to add up the fees for all three children and divide the cost equally between the three parents.

I wonder if the OP would be happy to lose her cushy life paid for by her husband so he can pay for his daughter's fees in full? Or perhaps he could just divorce her and use his money to fund 50% and she can struggle to do the same for her kids.

Your savings won’t even remotely cover it, and there is no way I would touch savings for school fees. You’d be screwed if there was a genuine emergency rather than an I want my child to go to a £30,000 a year school. Tell dh your savings are not being touched for fees, and this discussion is solely about household income and costs. If he wants to use his savings he can, but your dds don’t have a decent sized fund waiting them on 18 or lots of other family and your savings are not going on school fees. The discussion is about income, how much he wants to contribute and what he is prepared to adjust- it would for example be nuts to keep contributing to dsds savings fund while paying school fees, and the only rational approach might include cutting maintenance. I’d consider a different school to be honest in his shoes.

You do not have parental responsibility for this child, her school fees are a matter for the two people who do.

Your DH told his daughter that a move was being considered without consulting you first? While also knowing he would ask you for an increased financial commitment? Your children have no savings but his daughter does? And it was really his wish that your children went private and you went along with it? It’s ok for his ex to pay nothing but you are expected to?

YANBU to resist paying this. And I say that with all sympathy for your DSD. If it’s so important for her to go to this school then why not take the money out of her savings to pay for it? Then all 3 children will have the same education but no savings.

So people think dh should pay 100% towards his dd1 but only 50 towards his younger 2 dc. And people are claiming that's fairer than paying proportionate to their incomes. I'm sure it'll make sense soon.

She will have gone to the private school for a shorter time than her younger sisters who were there from the start, so they will have had 8 years more worth of money spent on each of them than she will have.

That's another thought op.

But I don't really see what he is doing with his salary that he can't afford it ...

I DO, however, think he should pay it, and if he needs to take a loan, that's what he should do. Or take them all out of private school. He has options.

I believe every parent should ensure their children have the same resources and opportunities. I also believe if you marry someone you share their burdens and their joys.

OP married a man with a child. She shouldn’t be treated like Cinderella.

Well as a starter, you could try adding in the extra years of schooling they will get.

But he isn't wrong to want them all to have the same. If the ex can't pay it, that's his problem to sort, not the dd1's to suck up.

Perhaps not but he should at least put aside the same amount of money that he is spending on DD2 and DD3 school fees for DD1.

Based on this I think you are being unreasonable. If the reason he can't afford to support his other daughter at private school is because he is paying 75% of your kids fees and your combined housing costs then that needs to be adjusted for the fact that he has other financial obligations you do not have.

She actually hasn't got her own property though. She sold it prior the the marriage.

I read the posts. She’s paying the share they agreed. Other people’s perception of fairness doesn’t come into it.

She is. She is not obliged to pay for anyone else’s DD however.

Well he needs to adjust it. Either adjust his expectations or guilt his ex into paying their DD rather than OP.

It’s a difficult situation. I totally understand that you don’t want to pay for his child but from his point of view he wants to treat them all the same.
Do you contribute to your own children’s school fees? If not, DH could reasonably decide to split his current contribution three ways so you may end up having to contribute at least £10k anyway just to keep your own kids in the school.

Your husband is a cockwomble

1. Because he pushed for private primary for your joint dc but but folded to step dc's mum. That means kids will feel that dads new family/dc are now more important/preferred.
2. Because he is failing to understand where his responsibility lies. He is responsible for making the best options/pathways for all his kids. He's been too hands off and has let earlier choices/carer progression weigh in.

I’d match fund - for every £ the mum pays, you pay the same.

Will DSD get into the private school? How academic is she.

Why should you pay when her own mother won’t! Don’t use your savings OP as if there is a future split you will need it! Your husband could use his CM payments to make up the 10k shortfall and give his ex the difference, and she should be made to pay for lunches and extra curriculum activities. I’d be asking my husband if the child’s mothers ‘partner’ is being hounded to contribute???
remember your daughters will get to the age your DSD is now so if your husband can’t afford to privately educate all 3 now will he be able to fund your 2 DD’s age related rise in fees in 2/3 years? Your DSD is year 9 so a teenager which is the school ‘drama’ years it happens to thousands of kids that age! there is no guarantee this new school will change anything for your DSD it maybe that she is the problem, I really don’t think with even your combined incomes and outgoings you can realistically do private education for 3 children for the next 12 years!

Wow. YABU in my opinion. Very much so. You are expecting your husband to subsidise the school fees for your children (you pay 25% and he pays 75%) but you are not willing to pay anything towards your stepchild.

What would the sums look like if you paid 50:50 for your children?

Your husband earns enough that he should be paying for all of his children to have the same education. Or none of them.

Its totally unacceptable to treat children differently in my opinion

Exactly this 👏

I disagree. They made an agreement. To contribute based on the proportions of their earnings. A perfectly valid and common way for married couples to divvy up their outgoings.

He doesn't get to just change his mind and expect her to make up the difference. That's like him deciding to just change his job or drop his hours and earn less. He doesn't get to just unilaterally make decisions about OPs finances.

He agreed with OP to pay 75% of their children's school fees. He's agreed with his ex to pay 100% of their daughter's school fees. That's on him. He has to find the money. And considering his income. He can find the money. He just doesn't want to. Theres no way a man on that income has NO savings and NO money left at the end of the month.