My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Because overall, the DH will be contributing more to their shared children than he does his own DC.
It's not like he is going to be spending more on 1 child.
Currently only 2 children are benefiting. That's also not fair.

If you'd read the thread properly you'd see that OP pays 25 percent plus all lunches, uniform, activities and trips for both her DC amounting to close to 40 percent overall. The exe refuses to pay a penny for her own DD despite having very generous maintenance.

Wow, your DH cannot be serious, can he? He is trying to emotionally manipulate you into paying a significant amount of money that is not your responsibility to pay. If he took it further it would come under financial abuse, though probably already does.

His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally.

• "Our girls benefit from HIS income" ????? No. Your DDs benefit from BOTH of your income. There he is dismissing your contribution. If he wants them all to benefit from just his income, then he needs to pay for it.
• "OUR girls" so, he has made the distinction himself that your 2 DDs are completely separate from his DD who is not your responsibility, financially or otherwise.
• "Because we're married all 3 should be treated equally" another void point. TREATED equally? Yes. You not paying 10 grand to send his daughter to private school has nothing to do with how you treat her. You're just not making a financial commitment that isn't yours to make, and you rightfully don't want to make.

He chose to have a child with someone else before you met. It is and will remain their joint responsibility to afford the things that they want for her. I wouldn't even DREAM of trying to force my ex's new partner into paying for my kids to go to private school because I couldn't afford it.

If anything, HE is the one treating her unfairly by sending your two DDs to private school in the first place and not his eldest. It is his responsibility to ensure that he is able to provide her with the life he wants her to have. It was his job to ensure she didn't feel excluded in the first place. It remains his job now. Tell him nice try but not going to happen, go back to the drawing board with the girl's actual mother and figure something out. Do not let him emotionally manipulate you into it.

Absolutely not to pay for there kids fees.
What a dreamer.

OP's DH pays £1250 maintenance plus pays for his eldest DD holiday, clothes and school trips again because his ex-wife refuses to pay anything towards her DD despite the generous maintenance.

I think a new settlement is needed - so if you need to contribute 50:50 to make school fees justifiable for 3 kids, then he needs to revise his savings strategy to level that up for all kids to be equal too. So far, you’ve done different things to suit different circumstances, which is fine. Now, if the aim is to level up for all kids then that should be more consistently applied.

I really don’t understand why people marry partners with children if they aren’t prepared to take them on. Your DH and his daughter are a package deal.
How awful for his DD to grow up knowing she was treated differently. Personally I think YABVU

And, in addition, a budget should be drawn up so that, if more is required of OP to fund more joint expenses, OP and her DH get equal opportunities to save a equal amount of money each month. It’s not acceptable for DH to require more contribution and still have more savings if he not wants to move from percentage contributions to something that is more like equality on a £ for £ basis.

On addition OP's DH continues to put money into DD 1 savings every month. So DD 1 does also benefit.

Well if op splits from her DH presumably she will expect him to pay at least 60% of school fees still? For their entire school career as well

So her DH paying the full whack for secondary only for his first child seems totally reasonable

‘Refuses to pay anything’ !! This is just drivel. She feeds her and houses her the vast majority of the time! £1250 is not a lot off a what £340,000 gross salary.

It's hardly that generous bearng in mind his salary

Also, getting good GCSEs and A Levels depends on hard work. A private school isn’t a magic bullet for this and is in fact far worse than, say, a good grammar school. Because a lot of the private fee money and time goes on extracurricular stuff - and it depends on the work ethic and ability of the child. You can’t just buy grades. Is she a hard worker?

Extra curricular stuff goes with good grades oddly.

A good private school will have a work ethic and high expectations
as well as a great deal of extra curricular activity.

Presumably OP and her DH have chosen the school for both aspects.

I agree with this. I am not a particular fan of private education but in this situation where an older child was struggling, I would be prioritising that child over private school for a five year old. If I was your husband, I would suggest taking your children out and restarting private at secondary for the younger ones if he can't pay for all of them. I don't think it is your responsibility to pay for your DSD but I think he has an equal respondibility for all his children and all else being equal (SEN, location, schools available etc), secondary education should be prioritised..

Quite. Food , housing, clothes. And probably all sorts of other costs too. Op shouldn't be begrudging this. She should be thinking what she would expect/need if her DH left her

Potential response

"Hi DW

As my higher income funds 70% of our children's school fees, I'll be dropping down to 50% contribution so that I can pay for all 3 kids"

What would happen if you did pay for her to go and then you had another child? What would happen if you split up? Just really think this is such a bad idea.

I think that's fair

And how about OP's own opinions on that? Does that not count? Maybe she feels strongly about her kids keeping their education as it is.

Wow I think your DH attitude is disgraceful. You need to hold on tight to your savings and your income. The disparity between your NETT pay is shocking. If he is netting £180k, he can absolutely pay 100 percent of his child’s fees! His expectation that you’ll pay towards it is insane. Your savings will be obliterated in no time.

you say his attitude is “his way or the highway” well I would tell him to fuck right off … . For christs sale keep your savings intact.

You might need them. He sounds like a bit of a prick, frankly.

oh, and you are not selfish!

It would only be fair if OP and her DH earned the same or had the same level of wealth.

Or alternatively

OP's husband funds the full fees out of his income, OP accepts a lower standard of living - fewer expensive holidays, reduced entertaining budget, reduced savings.

Then she needs to pay for it 🤷‍♀️. We all want the best for our children but he has 3 to consider

I think it's more that she has to be sympathetic to the fact he has a DD outside of their marriage. He has a responsibility to treat her fairly and pay for her as well, and if that means contributing equally for each of them then that's what it means. OP shouldn't have a problem funding exactly half of her own DDs education especially since she can actually afford it. I do not think she should pay for her DSD though, the cheek of the mother and father to even ask would have me fuming.

I think the DH is entirely at fault here, personally. He should have never agreed to send his own DDs off to private school if his eldest wasn't going. It's created a situation now where OP will resent him for either forcing her to pay for his eldest, or will resent him for making her pay more for her own DDs so he can afford to send his eldest, too, as it disrupts her current financial comfortablity; which he set the tone for. I don't blame her to be annoyed in either scenario, but at the end of the day if she wants her DDs to continue to go to private school while facing 50% fees, then it's her responsibility to pay it.

Tbh I'm struggling to understand how he can't afford to pay for all of them to go by himself on a 180k income, with savings. Maybe if he sold one of his Lamborghinis the budget might allow it. Or maybe only 3 holidays abroad a year instead of 5?