My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

YANBU

Why does she have to move school anyway? Lots of kids have ups and downs at school. You don’t just move a secondary age kid to a new school on a whim because they’re having a few problems with pals. He plainly hasn’t been that bothered about her going to a private school the previous 8 years of her education up until now. The only thing I would say OP is I don’t think you’re in the wrong but I expect he may say he can’t contribute as much to your own kids schooling as he’s going to pay for her so you may end up having to pay more anyway

20k a month household income and you are worried about / discussing dipping into savings to cover school fees rising to about 6k of that - madness! Sounds like something is not right or you have a wildly overstretched lifestyle. Either way, surely not a problem to find the extra few thousand a month (and sort out your 18k savings, which is a very low figure in the context of these kinds of monthly expenses)

My maths isn’t great but if OP paid even 33% for each child instead of 25% surely that would level the playing field so her husband could pay the fees for his eldest?

It’s also not a massive deal for a 5 year old to switch schools so that could be an option - take the youngest out for the next 4 years.

I agree with pp saying that OP and/or her husband has approached this in a weird way. It’s not about OP paying for her stepchild- it’s about her needing to pay a bit more for her two kids OR make alternative education arrangements for at least one of them. I mean either way it will cost her but I wouldn’t call it paying for her stepdaughter.

If DD is 13 and the savings account in her name that's been added to by lots of people is only 18k, she's really not getting anything like the same investment your own children are getting. I think bringing that up like it is any sort of balance to the private school makes you seem rather mean spirited.

I can't understand why people are suggesting the split of school fees proportional to income is unfair. The school fees for the two DDs are c.£40k. Say for argument's sake other household expenses - mortgage, bills, holidays etc. - are £60k. £100k of costs split between them.

On a 50:50 split OP has £10k left for discretionary spend/ savings, her DH has £130k.

On a 25:75 (60:180) split OP has £35k left for discretionary spend and her DH has £105k.

Paying 75% of two DDs' school fees is not the reason he "can't afford" his DD1's fees. In fact, I struggle to understand how he can't afford his DD1's maintenance, 100% of her school fees and savings for all three DDs himself.

And yes, of course OP and their DDs are benefitting from DHs larger income because they're a family (DD1 should obviously benefit too). If OP had to contribute 50:50 to all costs, the family would have to have a standard of living she could afford to do that for, including not sending the DDs to private school, which it sounds like primarily DH wanted rather than OP.

There's always one. 🙄

Yes you are making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Because all three are his whereas only two are yours. And that third child has an actual mother

Do you think if you'd already had a child with someone else when you met your H, he'd be happy to fork out £10k pa for that child's education?

So OP should pay for her DD's education because her own mother can't be arsed to put her hand in her pocket? What are you on?

OP said He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway.
so it's him that's pushing it, not her, she doesn't sound particularly into the idea so no way will she let them have a claim on her house in exchange for a loan.

She already does overall.
She pays the £10k for the fees and then another £4-5k for their lunches, uniforms, extracurriculars and trips, so their total cost for school is about £45k and she's paying £15k

He can't make the ex do anything, the mother doesn't even seem too bothered about her going to private school so she can easily just refuse to pay it and say not to send her there.
And he can't just reduce take the shortfall out of the maintenance and give her a small amount either. She could go straight to CMS.

No way let her mother pay something. Stand your ground

Taxes? If you actually look at aftertax income which is 45k +105k,then they have 100k left between them for all expenses outside school fees. If you subtract 40k for the eldest girl then you have 60k left,give or take which maybe just enough to live for a year depending on the mortgage, etc. But i can see why in this scenario funding 3 sets of fees is a squeeze and can edge into unaffordable territory

Also id consider with the 5 yr olds fees £19k the 7 Yr olds £22k it seems each year the fees increase c.£1.5k so in 3 years could you manage when DSD is 16 and the £63k youd be paying this year becomes £76.5k?

Because i would also want to know we could afford the fees for my 2 before even considering this.

Maybe he shouldn't have agreed for the two youngest to go to private school if he didn't have sufficient money to treat all three of his children equally?

The 60k and 180k figures are after tax figures

Sorry I can't read 980 previous replies so hopefully not duplicating this....

Have you done the maths?
Take your £60k, take off: pension and regular savings contributions, take off what you pay for school fees, lunches, clubs and all other household bills incl mortgage. Don't forget the annual bills like insurance. And you need to make sure you're putting enough by for the next car, boiler, emergency etc.

Then take of your discretionary spend, ie your own hobbies, hair, make up, clothes ,memberships etc your DCs discretionary spend, holidays.

What have you got left over? I suspect you don't have £10k a year.

You're absolutely in the right and DH is in the wrong

If his ex thinks the private school would be good for her DD the. She should pay for it.

OP said she has £18k in savings that she's saved over the years.

So I'm not sure how her husband even thinks this would work, she'd run out of money very quickly.

I think there needs to be some real talking here between you as I think younare on quite a distructive path currently.

You earn roughly £240k between you, so paying £72k in school fees plus another ~£8k in incidentals is quite significant. In addition to £15k maintenance so 40% of your total household income.

In terms of what is fair on you individually 25% of the whole school fees and incidentals is around £20k, of which you are already paying £15k so if look at it that so long as the incidentals get split as household costs then maybe id look at it IF you can afford it from.income I Would NOT be touching that £18k savings under any circumstances. He clearly has a much larger access to income/savings than you and if issues are starting you need to retain that and he should not be expecting you to touch it. Does he know how little you actually have in savings?

In terms of where he should get the money from - well maintenace can get cut, her savings can get cut. His expenses can get cut, your overall household budget can get cut... there are options that do not involve leaving you at a considerable financial disadvantage.

Good luck OP.

The money he is able to afford for your 2 children should be split equally between all 3 of his children. With their respective mothers making up the shortfall.

Sorry OP you wont need to pay for DSD.... but you WILL have to pay more for your own.

YANBU at all @CheeseSheep.
Given the large disparity in your incomes, he can either pay for his oldest DD himself or share the cost with her own mother, given that he wants her to move to a private school. It is very unreasonable of him to expect you to use your fairly small amount of savings, which would run out rapidly given the cost of the fees.
Do you also have a huge mortgage and a huge childcare bill to fund?

I mean you can do the math from their incomes.

If you can very comfortably afford it then pay it. If you can’t then don’t. I’m sure if the roles were reversed you’d want your DD to have the same education as the other 2

YANBU at all.
Your husband is being unfair but this already looks like he has put you in an awkward position where you might end up being in a situation where you might be seen as the bad guy.
for the sake of ‘peace’, why not offer to share the £10k with the ex wife? You then cover all the other girls’ expenses from the joint account and get some of your money back that way.
hopefully it’s only for a couple of years and you won’t feel the pinch of the £5k, but I think he should have come to you first before talking to ex wife and raising the daughter’s hopes.

I’d never let another woman be inveigled against her will into paying my DD’s school fees by my exH, it’s ridiculous.

I can see why he’s divorced.