My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

stepmum here. I would help if you can. You are married to DH. You are a family. DSD is part of your family. If you don't want to give it to DH can you loan it to him?

Having now read through all your posts OP, if your DH earns £180k I struggle to understand how he can't find 10k. The issue isn't about DSD going to private school or that you guys should fund it if her mum can't (won't). This is an issue between you and DH.

This is between your DH and his ex and how they fund it, is between them. You are not responsible financially for his daughter.

Imagine if you had a DS with another man from a previous marriage and you started asking your DH to pay for half his school fees? Why would he do that? It's not his responsibility.

Do you work part-time? You could watch some Scott Galloway about how women are always affected more than men if they have kids... Does this ever get factored into your DH's life view? He seems dimly unaware of how lucky he is to be a man. I'm not saying life is perfect for them but they certainly have a much higher earning capacity...

In summary:

Women face a compounding series of biological, economic, and systemic hurdles that affect their physical health, lifetime earnings, and long-term financial security.
Here is a summary of how these factors impact women across their lifetimes:

1. The Economic & Career Penalties

• The "Motherhood Penalty": When women have children, their career trajectory and earnings often stall or decline. Men, conversely, often experience a "fatherhood bonus" where their earnings increase after having children.
• Lack of Earnings During Child-Raising: Women still shoulder the vast majority of unpaid care work. Taking time out of the workforce to raise children leads to missed promotions, stagnant wage growth, and a permanent gap in career momentum.
• The Pension Gap: Because retirement contributions are tied to lifetime earnings, the years spent doing unpaid childcare or working part-time result in a massive deficit in retirement savings. Women globally retire with significantly smaller pensions than men, leaving them at higher risk of poverty in old age.

1. Biological & Health Tax

• Menstruation (Periods): Managing periods involves lifelong financial costs (the "tampon tax" or period poverty) alongside physical symptoms like debilitating cramps, migraines, and conditions like endometriosis, which can cause significant absenteeism at school and work.
• Pregnancy & Childbirth: Carrying a pregnancy and giving birth involves profound physical strain, medical risks, and postpartum recovery. Even in developed nations, maternal mortality and long-term physical complications remain serious healthcare concerns.
• Menopause: Occurring typically in a woman's late 40s or 50s—often the peak of their career potential—menopause brings severe physical and psychological symptoms (hot flushes, brain fog, insomnia). A lack of workplace support or medical understanding forces many women to step back from leadership roles or leave the workforce entirely during this phase.

1. Vulnerability & Safety

• Physical Strength Disparity: On average, men possess greater upper-body physical strength. This biological reality translates into a stark imbalance in physical vulnerability, leaving women exposed to much higher rates of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and gender-based violence.
• The "Safety Tax": Women must navigate daily life with a constant cognitive load regarding personal safety—altering running routes, paying for taxis instead of walking at night, and constantly monitoring their surroundings.

Fuck that.

Put it away for your future old age, in a pension pot..... You'll thank yourself.

I am not sure that lunches, uniform and extracurricular would come to 15 percent but the ex could pay for that for her child. She probably does at the moment.

Ask your DH this: "The other of your child doesn't want to pay for DSDs private school education but you're trying to guilt me into paying for it?".
Then sit quietly and let him answer. Don't over explain just give him the opportunity to tell you why he expects you to pay when her own mother won't.

Your husband is an absolutely CF for this. Your money is spent on your own two children and he should pay for his own daughter and his ex make up the shortfall. The fact that he’s guilt tripping you about it is beyond disgraceful

@CheeseSheep Tell your DH that it's between the parents to sort funding for private school. I do think DSD needs private school more than your daughters though because she's in secondary and it can be quite tough whereas to me it's a waste of money before then.

Where are the maternal grandparents? Is it possible they can assist with their GD’s education expenses ?

it seems to me this situation is completely your DH’s idea, and thus why his Ex is basically saying she isn’t funding the change. I can understand he wants his children treated equally, but they are not all your children either…

if the GP’s and mum unwilling/unable to stump up the difference, then DH needs to find an alternative school or review where his child support money is going and consider looking to a more formal arrangement if a compromise with ex cannot be reached.

it’s his problem, not yours. Just watch that your family budget doesn’t change..

While I agree it’s not down to you to pay DSD’s school fees, it’s also not right that DH spends £30k odd on his younger DDs’ education & his nothing on his eldest who is struggling.

From his point of view it might be fairest to decide that his DD have a state primary education & move to private for secondary, when they are likely to get more benefit. That would make is more affordable as DSD would be leaving school around the time the youngest was leaving primary.

The difficulty is that your DD’s are already at the school & presumably enjoying it. So realistically you are going to have to start paying 50:50 for your DD’s education so DH can pay for DSD too.

I would also question if the DD is going to university because if you go to private school at 14, this is taken into account when making an application to uni. It may mean she needs to get higher A level results as a result of the private school status.

On the flip side, if she goes, she may receive better teaching and get better results. At sixth form she may choose to go to a state sixth form again. Social mobility programs may exclude you from consideration if you have ever spent ANY time at a private school - just something to think about. For instance the Sutton Trust won't take you if you've spent any time at a private school.

Also, private school is not for everyone. I understand him wanting private school now for his DD but it's up to him and his ex to work out how that will happen, not you. He's the one being unfair asking you to cough up for a child that's not yours.

You wouldn't ask him to do that for you. He sees you as a soft touch who can be 'told' what to do. I would be paying into my own pension and savings account as it's clear he prioritises himself above all else and is willing to eat into your savings to fund himself... Have you asked him to run the numbers in front of you? What will he have left over of his pay, vs what you will have left over??? Men that earn a lot like this can be highly controlling and verge into coercive financial control pretty easily. Because you think you're 'in love' and married it can be shocking once you realise that actually, they've behaved really very poorly and abused you financially for their own ends.

I've seen it repeatedly. They are number one. You are very much, number two in the chain of command.

If your husband wants to send his own child to private school then he should pay it as should his Ex wife. If she can’t he’s needs to foot the bill. This is not your responsibility. Absolutely not

And I agree with comments on here, primary private school isn't worth it. You can get a decent free education at state school and save a ton of money. Spent it on tutors in Year 5 and Year 6 to top up maths and English if you need to, especially if you want to do 11+.

I would spend it on secondary for sure. State primary is an adventure, it shows you the ups and downs of real life. It's a good experience in my view. You mix with everyone. You meet loads of local people who become good friends. It's nice.

He’s not really asking you to contribute the money to your SD’s fees. He’s asking you to contribute more to your own daughters’ school fees so that he can spend an equivalent amount on all his children.

So say he has enough spare income to spend £50’000 a year (for example) on private school fees. Rather than splitting it £25’000 between the two children he shares with you, he now wants to divide that three ways so approximately £17’000 per child. Meaning he needs you to contribute more towards your children.

You could argue that you make up the shortfall for your two children and his ex makes up the shortfall for her daughter. He could equally point out that your shared children have benefited from the unequal distribution for the last several years while his daughter has been ‘penalised’ or shortchanged for 9 years of her education.

I think it is absolutely reasonable of you to have doubts about contributing more but I don’t think he’s unreasonable to suggest it or to see it from that angle.

Ultimately your husband should be contributing towards each of his children fairly. It's difficult when they're at different stages though, and things are more expensive for older children/teenagers.

But he should really be saving the same amount that he spends on school fees for your DC into a savings account for DSD. You have two children, but he has three and should split his resources equally across the three of them.

If he can't afford to do this, then personally I don't think he should have started paying school fees for the younger children.

Presumably then if he leaves @CheeseSheep she can expect to contribute 50% to both their children's school fees and to be grateful that he pays her £1200/month maintenance?

Seems a bit unfair that the SD will potentially get the savings account her dad is paying into, AND private school, and the OP's Ds will only get the school fees paid.

Will your H be starting up a savings account for your shared D's @CheeseSheep if he then starts paying for his elder D's school fees ?

And there are some very good and excellent secondary state schools too!

Child support isn't something he can review. Nor can ge dictate that he pays it to be spent on school fees.

The OP is only paying 25 percent of her OWN dc. Why should the ex pay 50 for her own dc if the op isn't for hers? She pays a quarter of her own only.

Why can't everyone follow that?

It's like she's contributing equal or all for them and then for DD1 on top. That isn't what is happening. She is just being asked to bring her contribution for her own closer to 50 percent.

And the ex isn't interested in private school. If the OP isn't, they should take them out and close the thread. All daughters equal, problem solved.

Did you miss the part where DSD has a ££ savings account already and the dad is only paying £ into her account and the 2 other kids don’t even have a savingA account??

dsd mum can decide she doesn’t want to pay for HER child’s education that’s fine BUT it doesn’t mean another woman who isn’t the child’s parent takes over paying instead!!! Your DH is not a nice man!! You should be saving ££ in your savings account as £18k won’t even cover a months worth of lawyer fees when you leave him!

Well the later dds will get many more years of school fees

My takeaway was they had a private arrangement and he is paying for other things on top of the sum agreed to? As well as when she overnights with them etc.

Personally I am really anti private school. But - had I been sending my two there I would of course have wanted my stepson to have the same opportunities.

if I were your DH I’d be reducing my share of your kids’ fees to 50% and paying fees for the oldest in full. I agree that you are being mean not treating all children as part of the same family, if you don’t it sounds like you see the family as a temporary thing.

We split them based on our incomes, DH earns considerably more than me so he pays the larger share although I do contribute. I also pay the compulsory school lunches for both girls and their extra curricular clubs, so it’s not like I don’t pay anything.

Really he should have only had one additional child with you, as you don't earn enough to contribute 50/50 which is what a lot of posters are saying is required of the step child's Mum, that way there would have been sufficient money in the pot for the child he already had, to have the same opportunities.