To be a bit of a hermit and prefer to be with my kids than go out with friends?

[hermitorjustmama]

I have two DC, one aged 5 and one almost 1, and I’ve come to the slightly depressing realisation that I’d generally rather be at home with them than go out socialising.

I have quite a few friends who regularly suggest dinner, brunch, drinks etc. And honestly, my immediate reaction is usually a resounding meh. I genuinely enjoy the everyday stuff with my children. I love picking up my eldest from school and hearing about her day, having dinner together and chatting around the table. I love doing bedtime with them. My youngest is still breastfed to sleep, which also makes bedtime much easier if I’m the one doing it. If I wait until the children are in bed before getting ready, I’m realistically not leaving the house until 8pm. My friends aren’t generally keen to start dinner at 8:30-9pm, and quite frankly neither am I given it’ll be a 6:30-7am start for school the next day.

Weekend brunch is another popular suggestion. But weekends are the only two days my eldest is off school, and I don’t really want to spend half the day having eggs Benedict with my friends, then only see my daughter in the late afternoon and evening. That’s basically the amount of time I get with her on a school day anyway.

Most of my friends don’t have children, so understandably they want to do adult things without a small person launching food across the table. The friends who do have children are easier to see because we can meet up and let the children entertain each other while we attempt a conversation.

I do occasionally fancy an evening out, and I’m not planning to become a hermit. But realistically, I’d happily see friends once a month or so. I seem to receive far more invitations than I have either the time or the inclination to accept, and I feel increasingly guilty turning people down.

I know friendships need maintaining, and I’m aware that children eventually grow up and leave you to sit alone wondering why nobody calls. I don’t want to wake up in ten years and discover that I’ve accidentally deleted my entire social life in favour of discussing phonics and watching someone eat mashed banana. But equally, I don’t want to spend my limited free time doing things I don’t particularly fancy just because apparently a functioning adult is supposed to enjoy brunch.

So, AIBU? Am I being short-sighted and will I regret not making more effort with my friendships? Or is it perfectly normal to reach this stage of motherhood and discover that your idea of a wild night is everyone going to bed without a fuss?

Well lives have seasons and at the moment you’re in a quieter season. Your child free friends are experiencing a different season in their life so there is an mis match happening which is pretty normal. Although I think it’s fine to be lower key at the moment keep in mind that you are not just a mother and friendship is a two way street.

You will be on here in ten years’ time wondering why you have no friends.

Well yanbu to prefer it, but it’s probably a good idea to find some sort of balance even if it’s a different balance from that pre kids.

I think you’re very lucky to be getting invites and you shitd try make every second one.. children grow and we need friends as we get older

I'm the same. Once a month is more than enough, as I work 50 hours a week too. I had a child because I wanted one. I love being with him.

I mean you like what you like, really. That can’t really be reasonable or unreasonable.

I love seeing my friends and doing stuff that isn’t just ‘mum’ stuff, because I have my own life and interests and friendships outside of parenting and those are important to me. I would find life quite small otherwise. And I don’t really find bedtime such a sacral experience that I can’t miss one a week or even more, but that’s me, not you. So no one can really say you are being unreasonable or not.

Best advice I ever had was to keep your own life. They become independent so quickly.

Blimey, can’t relate to this at all. I jump at the chance of a childfree evening out/brunch/weekend away!

It's so difficult when you and your friends are in a different season of life. My advice would be to make sure you at least commit to one social event a month, maintain those friendships, even if it's just a coffee and a catch up. My DS is now 21 and my marriage suddenly ended earlier this year. Those friends have literally become my family as I always made time for them, sometimes just a quick dog walk and chat. Your children will grow up and you'll suddenly look around and feel quite lonely. Socialising doesn't need to be going out for expensive meals and getting drunk but making time for those friends you are closest to is so important.

I agree with this. I am child free and I feel the same as you! I am quite introverted and need alone time. I would also suggest more day activities like lunch or coffee, maybe with one person rather than the whole group. My friends are amazing so I feel that it is important to be there for them and to let them know I value their friendship - however, nights out etc are something I do not want anymore so I try to work around that:)

Exactly. Most nights I'm happily in bed by half 8 with my kindle so usually make day time plans like a walk / coffee. In the early days of my marriage ending those friends were so thoughtful, sending cooked meals for the freezer, checking in via text or a video call. It's meant so much to me so I'd advise anyone to nurture their friendships 😊

I understand being tired and wanting to claw back a bit of downtime.

But be careful of letting your friendships slide because you have children.

When your children grow up or your marriage goes down the tubes you will be one of the many people on here wondering why they no longer have friends.

Use it or lose it.

This

When my children were that age I was knackered due to lack of sleep so I was not wanting to do anything else due to lack of energy.

I did lose a lot of friendships, or we stayed in touch but it was never the same afterwards. I'm now faced with trying to get to know new people at 50 (really difficult if you work full time and can't go to daytime things) and have no children at home to spend time with.

I would really encourage you to got out a bit more than once a month. Those invitations won't keep coming forever if you keep turning them down.
Could having friends round to your house on a weekday evening be a good compromise?

I hear you op! My children are slighty older but I feel the same and have since my first was born. I do worry a little if i'll regret it im a few years once the kids are off doing their own thing but meh, right now the kids and my little family are all I want to do in my spare time

I’m the same and mine are almost teenagers. I’ve always felt this way

Your just ‘that’ parent
We have all had them in our friendship group and they get ditched pretty quickly
Dont stress you have your fabulous crotch goblins to hang about with 🤣🤣

So it sounds like you do see your friends, just less often than the invites? Maybe once a month? I think that's not bad, if you have other friends you see in the daytime with the kids.

I went out more than that but mostly evenings - and I did come home and see the kids for a couple of hours then went out at 7, up to 3 times a month maybe, generally with childfree friends who wanted to socialise then. I must admit weekends were mostly family time when the kids were little. I only worked 3 days a week though so had a lot of time with the kids overall. I was lucky many friends had similar aged kids so we could meet up with them at weekends.

I do really value my friends and have always made an effort to be a good friend (my kids are teens now). I would have felt like I'd lost part of myself if I only had my family and work. But I have always felt like that - didn't become a parent til I was 35 so I had lots of strong, amazing friendships by that stage.

If you don't make an effort and keep saying no to eveyrhing, your friends will probably stop inviting you. Then when your children grow up, you risk having no friends. You don't have to say yes to everything, once a month is fine. I honestly can't relate to this though, I love my child but I also value date nights with my husband and social events with friends.

I think it’s important to not just become ‘mum’ and lose your identity.

So where do you have time to:

1. be out working 45 hours a week, probably 50 for most Londoners with commute time
2. spend some time with your children, pick them up, feed them, bathe them
3. sleep, eat and take some minimum care for yourself
4. go out for brunches and dinners every week?

I haven't even mentioned exercise, or relationship with your husband, which usually suffer when you have a 1 year old anyway.

Something has to give. Once a month for a brunch is about what I can handle.

That's not OP's situation though. And if you are working 45 hours a week with a commute you have other opportunities to spend time with other adults/socialise that also count.

You don’t really sound as if you care about or value your friends. The internet is full of women who are either childless or childfree who feel they have been essentially dumped by their friends.
I don’t think the issue is that you see your friends once a month. It’s that you don’t really value them.

Lots of things are good for us, even if we don't feel like doing them. Sometimes socialising can fall into the same category as ecercise, getting an early night, or eating a salad. It's good for your long term wellbeing.

The OP hasn’t said she works let alone full time in London with a commute. No one has said she should be going out weekly either. All anyone has said is to be careful not to neglect her friendships because one day she may wake up and have none. If you look on this site I’d say threads about how to make friends as someone in your 30’a, 40’s or 50’s is probably in the top 5 topics.