To be a bit of a hermit and prefer to be with my kids than go out with friends?

[hermitorjustmama]

I have two DC, one aged 5 and one almost 1, and I’ve come to the slightly depressing realisation that I’d generally rather be at home with them than go out socialising.

I have quite a few friends who regularly suggest dinner, brunch, drinks etc. And honestly, my immediate reaction is usually a resounding meh. I genuinely enjoy the everyday stuff with my children. I love picking up my eldest from school and hearing about her day, having dinner together and chatting around the table. I love doing bedtime with them. My youngest is still breastfed to sleep, which also makes bedtime much easier if I’m the one doing it. If I wait until the children are in bed before getting ready, I’m realistically not leaving the house until 8pm. My friends aren’t generally keen to start dinner at 8:30-9pm, and quite frankly neither am I given it’ll be a 6:30-7am start for school the next day.

Weekend brunch is another popular suggestion. But weekends are the only two days my eldest is off school, and I don’t really want to spend half the day having eggs Benedict with my friends, then only see my daughter in the late afternoon and evening. That’s basically the amount of time I get with her on a school day anyway.

Most of my friends don’t have children, so understandably they want to do adult things without a small person launching food across the table. The friends who do have children are easier to see because we can meet up and let the children entertain each other while we attempt a conversation.

I do occasionally fancy an evening out, and I’m not planning to become a hermit. But realistically, I’d happily see friends once a month or so. I seem to receive far more invitations than I have either the time or the inclination to accept, and I feel increasingly guilty turning people down.

I know friendships need maintaining, and I’m aware that children eventually grow up and leave you to sit alone wondering why nobody calls. I don’t want to wake up in ten years and discover that I’ve accidentally deleted my entire social life in favour of discussing phonics and watching someone eat mashed banana. But equally, I don’t want to spend my limited free time doing things I don’t particularly fancy just because apparently a functioning adult is supposed to enjoy brunch.

So, AIBU? Am I being short-sighted and will I regret not making more effort with my friendships? Or is it perfectly normal to reach this stage of motherhood and discover that your idea of a wild night is everyone going to bed without a fuss?

Kids are tiring op, and going out feels like extra work/ another thing to do. I think in a few years time you’ll get a second wind. As you said you’re not intending on ditching them and you know this can’t be forever. Fwiw I was the same, as the first to have kids, I now drag them all out and keep everyone talking in chats!

the7Vabo

people generally don’t value their friends enough, it doesn’t mean they don’t love them, life has just pulled them in a different direction. I do believe everyone hopefully gets back to each other when it’s important.

Maybe it's because my close friends and I are more geographically spread out but I think once a month is plenty! I probably see my close friends between once every 3 months (the ones an hour or two away) and once every couple of years (the one who lives abroad).

Our DCs ages range from teens, a lot of primary school/pre schoolers and 2 babies. There were a good few years where half of us had toddlers and half were child free. We've all stayed good friends.

I still feel I do lots of things apart from being a mum - I work and socialise with work friends, I go to church and occasionally volunteer, I go out with my own DM.

I know it’s hard to imagine op but most teens unless ND spectacularly dump their parents for their friends. Sooo glad I have my own life because my girls are gone. There’s the odd thing but they have their own lives now and that’s healthy.

I get it and was the same but I’m paying for it now. My kids are 10/13 and mostly want me to disappear. It’s hard to balance everything with little kids for sure but I’d try to be a little bit more flexible - can someone else put your toddler to bed once a month? Can you meet friends for a walk and a coffee so you have some active time too? I regret not doing more for myself when mine were little for sure as it’s quite hard to find that again now.

A lot of women simply don’t see their friends as important once they have a family. And I say that as someone who has kids.

And you don’t have to look too far on the internet to find out that women without children often don’t appreciate being sidelined for years. They aren’t prepared to just pick up when their friend who felt “meh” about their suggested plans decides she now has nothing more important to do so lucky them!!

The way the OP speaks about her friends is dismissive - “meh”, half the day spent eating eggs.

My kids are adults but i still prefer to be at home with them or even alone than going out with friends. I love my friends but i also enjoy being in my home and find plenty to occupy myself. I always feel ripped off if i go out to eat in the uk ( the food portions, the cost, the service, the quality of the meal). I don’t enjoy loud noisy pubs and clubs and i will always go out for special occasions like birthdays etc but im far happier at home.

I’m on one them! Sidelined about 7 years ago when my friends started having children, so I went and made new friends or deepened friendships with other childfree friends who made time for the relationship.

Now my ‘mum friends’ are popping back up with suggestions of brunch/dinner/drinks and I feel very conflicted. It doesn’t help that all they have to talk about is their children because that’s all they’ve known for the last seven years.

What I would say OP, is if your friends are inviting you even more now even though you’re saying no still, they might be worried about you. I don’t think it’s normal for an adult to prefer the company of children over adults all of the time.

I would say it's important to maintain friendships, which I do think you recognise in your post.
You don't mention dc's dad? Don't fall into the trap of being the default parent who always has to be present for the family unit to function. You'll resent that as the dc get older. Leaving dad to parent single handedly sometimes is a good thing.

The thing that strikes me about your OP is that you now see yourself ONLY as a mother. You are still a friend, colleague, wife, girlfriend and all those other relationships as well. Yes parenthood is a big slice of your life now, but it is not the only one. If you want those other relationships to continue in future, you have to put your share of effort in to them as well.

I used to work with someone like you and every conversation would turn round to her children, even work meetings would somehow end up being about them as well. She made no pretence of the fact she had no interest in her job and was counting her hours to get back home to them (in between using office supplies to print out colouring pages for them).

We were all in that office to do a job, not go misty eyed over her offspring and endless boring stories about them all day long. It was insufferable.

There needs to be a balance OP. It sounds like you have a great friendship group, nurture that as kids grow up quickly.

I’m the other end of this .. late 50s, two adults kids who have moved out. I’m so glad I kept those friendships going when my kids were young. Yes I get it’s tiring having small kids and it’s sometimes an effort to go out … esp after a long day at work but it’s worth it in the long run now and then.

I also loved a weekend away with friends … a lie in, adult conversation, lovely.

My mum used to be horrified to hear I was ‘leaving the children’ …. they were with their perfectly capable father .. and he has a great relationship with them now, in part due to that I’m sure.

I think like everything else there's a middle ground to be found between seeing your friends every weekend and never seeing them at all.

Yes working and young kids is exhausting and finding the energy and time can be difficult to see friends. But it sounds like you have friends that value them and it's a shame you look down on their plans and invitations as something a "fully functioning adult should enjoy". What's wrong with going out for brunch with friends.

I read about an article about how beneficial it is for children to have parents with lives and friendships outwith being a parent. You can expand their life by having other trusted adults in it. They see that adult life isn't just about sacrificing your own needs and that the lives of their parents matter too and that friendship and fun is important too.

There's 52 weekends in a year, over a 100 days. Your time and relationship with your children isn't going to be impacted if you occasionally spend a morning or evening with friends.

Ah the offended one. Imagine you’ve been rejected a lot then?

I think you need to find a balance as you will end up with secondary aged children and no social life outside of that. Friendship require nurturing not ignoring for years then expecting to pick them back up again. Sometimes it feels like the last thing you want to do but long term I feel it is worth it.

Maybe as my friends live further away or we mostly all have 2 or more children now, but we meet once every 3 months on average and that is great for maintaining the friendships as well as balancing family life. Some I only met in school holidays, those closer to where I live weekends booked way in advance so we are free. Sometimes with kids, sometimes without.
My eldest is now 9 and we have just started a termly mums night out with a small group of school mums. Not everyone makes it all the time but its nice to do stuff every now and again.

I do think you need to be careful not to just become mum but remember you are also a friend, colleague, acquaintance, wife, sister/daughter and yourself more than anything.

Everyone enjoys the cute ages, but it is important to make an effort with friends. Otherwise, as PP's have said, you will find yourself in a few years with kids who don't really want to spend as much time with you anymore because they are growing more independent, and no friends either.

My Kids are now 19 and 15. Whilst I enjoyed the baby/toddler years my friends were always very important to me and I’m so glad I maintained my friendships and still enjoyed doing so and leaving the kids with their dad for the odd dinner and drinks, bottomless brunches and even overnighters. They have helped me keep my sanity over the years, support through life’s stresses, bereavement, divorce, work stress, child stress, navigating teenage years, all of it has been made easier with that support network around me and vice versa for them too. Plus it has certainly not done my children any harm they have grown up well rounded close to both mum and dad and my 19 year old has a very healthy relationship with his girlfriend and appreciation for her need to go away and do things with her friendship group which I like to think he has learnt from me that it is good and healthy to have a life outside of your relationship. We all go through different stages in life but believe me - maintain your friendships because they may be your lifesaver one day,
Myself and my 50 something friends are all just planning our girls trip to Ibiza next year. Probably something we couldn’t do in our 30s but now reaping the rewards of maintaining those friendships.

You can do what you want but don't expect your friends to hang around - they will pick up on the fact that you don't like them much and find them boring.

From a child-free perspective it was evident that the majority of my friends who became parents might have had less time to socialise but they still considered it important and did their best to make time for it - not because it was an obligation but because they genuinely enjoyed socialising as well as parenting. A minority, equally obviously, felt like you do - I don't see them any more.

From a general perspective I find the idea that you only enjoy one way of spending your time a bit baffling. I'm introverted and sometimes feel like being a hermit for days at a time on occasion. That's OK. But I also enjoy socialising, and life would feel so one-dimensional if I just stayed at home all the time, as comfortable as it is. There's more than enough time in life to include going out to see friends AND having quiet nights in with your kids.

I think a good point above is that friendships need nurturing. You cant let them slide and pick up when convenient for you.

Because I can imagine being the child of a parent with no life or friends outside the family unit must be incredibly suffocating. Suddenly children are expected to be responsible for their parents happiness and fulfil their parents need for lonlieness and socialisation.

You see posts on here of parents of teenage children moaning "I gave up everything for my kids" despite their children never asking them too and completely bereft because their kids want to spend weekends with their friends rather than their parents and the parent is now lost and lonely. Don't let that be you.

Remember socialising takes many forms - you don't have to be out for half the day having bottomless brunches.
Why not invite a friend round for an evening? Or simply ring them up and have a chat. Those are good ways to stay in touch if you don't want to invest lots of time and energy.

I will also add my children are also very close to some of my friends, have their numbers and communicate with them separate to me at times. We have all holidayed together ans families too and for my sons 18th he had 2 parties one for his friends and one for mine and I think he enjoyed the older gangs party more! I do feel blessed to have such a good group of friends around me but we all put the effort in to maintain that through our own different stages of life.

I think that life has seasons and stages. I think with such a young family, you are bound to be nesting and more of a homebody compared to childfree friends.

Do you have a group chat between them where you can say to them that you really do love them and you love that they keep asking you to come out, and to please bear with you while your kids are so little and youre not up for going out as much .

I think if you do enjoy their company and going out, then try and maintain that even just monthly or every couple of months, but I dont think you should pressure yourself. Its not the only friendship circle you'll have in your life im sure
Do you have friends with kids too?
I had friends from mother and toddler groups at that stage, and that seemed to satisfy my social needs.

This is it. My parents and in particular my mum have always had a lot of friends. Even growing up, they would have friends over in an evening while the kids played upstairs or we would go to their friends houses, barbecues and house parties etc. It was a great way to grow up. I think it must be so stifling and isolating and frankly boring for kids if every weekend is exclusively family time and you don't see anyone out of this.

Also some of my mums friends now babysit my kids. It's great!

Just to add my two pence here. Last night I saw an old work colleague who had become a great friend to me for the first time in months since Easter in fact. We video call when we can to catch up which is great. My daughter is 2 soon, my friend has 3 children 4-15. She is the only person I get to see as I do not really speak to many people or have a big set of friends. I started to slow down on socialising before my pregnancy and had a super quiet pregnancy but I loved it.

I used to be out most weekends clubbing but im quite happy to be in with my daughter. I also used to solo travel quite a lot so im used to my own company and prefer time alone. I had my daughter later in life and really value my time with her as I genuinely didnt think I would have a child so shes really important to me.

I think Its great that you have a group of friends who show an interest in socialising with you however just do what you can i do not see the point of forcing yourself if when u get there u may not be fully enjoying yi
yourself and your mind wanders back to the children. Ive been on 2 events out since having my daughter (comedy night and a daytime clubbing event and i had a good time but did spend a lot more than i thought i would thinking about her, calling to check in).

I think once a month is quite a lot especially if you want to spend time with your eldest on the weekends when u may have housework/cooking/shopping other activities going on it just messes up any sort of routine.

I tend to see my friend and her children during half terms/holidays if we are both in the country and we do so for a good few hours at home. Socialising doesnt have to be a meal out sometimes its much nicer to be in a cosier setting imo.

For those saying wanting only to spend time with your little one is strange etc please get a life..! Everyone's experience of motherhood/parenting is different. Some cant wait to get out the house and have freedom others not so much. I would rather have 1 or 2 very good close friends I do not see often but I know are loyal, supportive and understanding as I am for them.

You feel how you feel, but it does seem unusual to be so attached to your children you cant bare the thought of missing one bedtime. All relationships with people give us something different - i enjoy spending time with my kids, but also love a day/evening off to just be me.

Also, I guess this depends on how easy your kids are! I frequently so solo bedtimes with my 2 and 4 year old, and it is definitely not the nice relaxed experience I imagined it would be pre-kids. And tbh my 4 year old is much more enjoyable to hang out with than my whirlwind 2 year old

Not a fan of just 'our little family' all the time. But I adore being with my children, I have teens and little ones. I don't do meeting friends in cafes, pubs etc - I didn't even like that sort of thing pre children, I'm quite introverted. But I like hosting so we have people over a lot. It means most of my friends are also knee-deep in family life, understandably child-free friends are generally not always as interested in the type of friendship I have to offer. I like my children having the exposure to lots of different people. I've always been bored by coffee culture chit chat.
There's often the assumption on Mumsnet that women who have more than two children and choose to be with them a lot, don't have other interests, that we are lower intellect. I have always read very widely, mostly classics. I have a wide range of interests. There are plenty of women at home reading Dostoyevsky, breastfeeding the baby while women in cafes discuss Love Island and speak witheringly of having nothing in common with SAHMs or saying they couldn't have had a third child because they have other interests outside of motherhood. As they read the next Jojo Moyes or attend their gel nails appt 🙄

It’s entirely up to you and you aren’t being unreasonable of that is your preference. If you complained you have no friends in years to come when your children are independent then you would be unreasonable.