To be a bit of a hermit and prefer to be with my kids than go out with friends?

[hermitorjustmama]

I have two DC, one aged 5 and one almost 1, and I’ve come to the slightly depressing realisation that I’d generally rather be at home with them than go out socialising.

I have quite a few friends who regularly suggest dinner, brunch, drinks etc. And honestly, my immediate reaction is usually a resounding meh. I genuinely enjoy the everyday stuff with my children. I love picking up my eldest from school and hearing about her day, having dinner together and chatting around the table. I love doing bedtime with them. My youngest is still breastfed to sleep, which also makes bedtime much easier if I’m the one doing it. If I wait until the children are in bed before getting ready, I’m realistically not leaving the house until 8pm. My friends aren’t generally keen to start dinner at 8:30-9pm, and quite frankly neither am I given it’ll be a 6:30-7am start for school the next day.

Weekend brunch is another popular suggestion. But weekends are the only two days my eldest is off school, and I don’t really want to spend half the day having eggs Benedict with my friends, then only see my daughter in the late afternoon and evening. That’s basically the amount of time I get with her on a school day anyway.

Most of my friends don’t have children, so understandably they want to do adult things without a small person launching food across the table. The friends who do have children are easier to see because we can meet up and let the children entertain each other while we attempt a conversation.

I do occasionally fancy an evening out, and I’m not planning to become a hermit. But realistically, I’d happily see friends once a month or so. I seem to receive far more invitations than I have either the time or the inclination to accept, and I feel increasingly guilty turning people down.

I know friendships need maintaining, and I’m aware that children eventually grow up and leave you to sit alone wondering why nobody calls. I don’t want to wake up in ten years and discover that I’ve accidentally deleted my entire social life in favour of discussing phonics and watching someone eat mashed banana. But equally, I don’t want to spend my limited free time doing things I don’t particularly fancy just because apparently a functioning adult is supposed to enjoy brunch.

So, AIBU? Am I being short-sighted and will I regret not making more effort with my friendships? Or is it perfectly normal to reach this stage of motherhood and discover that your idea of a wild night is everyone going to bed without a fuss?

@SiegfriedSassoon you mention the assumptions made on MN about stay at home parents then make scathing comments about people who have different interests to you?
You know you can be of high intellect and enjoy having your nails done, reading Jojo Moyes and watching Love Island don’t you?

Maybe you’ve got a point. My kids have always been good fun. Chilled out. Grew up to enjoy games, movies, takeaways.

I did make an effort to try and keep up with the ones who needed that time away or didn’t have children, but I ignored what I actually wanted to do. I’m so glad I’m at a point now where I have friends on the same wavelength as me. A mixture of past friends who had children and friends I’ve met within the last few years.

I’m surprised more people aren’t telling the op to find her people.

This is so me. Friends invite me out and I think I just don’t want to. I’ve done the boozy nights out. I’m not interested.

I know that, I know that I'm making myself just as bad by what I wrote! And I don't really think like that. But you wouldn't believe how many withering comments are written here on a daily basis. There was a thread recently where dozens of women were agreeing that they wouldn't be friends with a woman who had 4+ children as they didn't think they'd enjoy their company and wouldn't have much in common as they have interests outside of motherhood.

You’re not unreasonable for how you feel, but if they’re good friends, I think it’s really good to see them and worth giving your time to. I think you’ll be glad you did in the future, even if now it does feel like a huge effort.

Well as long as you acknowledge that you just judged the intellect level of many many women based in an author and a TV show.

I consider myself of a reasonable intellect yet I’m heavily invested in Big Brother and smutty faerie/dragon books 🤣

I think that it's important to make the effort to keep in touch with friends. It's hard work but so important. And friendship is an investment, you get back what you put in. You kids will go off and live their own lives. What would you like your life to look like then? You need to start building that life now.

I’ve become more selective about what I say yes to, while maintaining my friendship group. I generally avoid the evening boozing but say yes to birthday brunches and the odd coffee. The group are fine with it, everyone is slightly different.

the7Vabo

but meh can be exhausted or depressed and you don’t see it until the kids are older. I remember sitting with friends and just thinking ‘that’s just not funny’ as they laughed and joked about different things. I realised after that I was exhausted and really should not have gone out.

In my experience, those friends will go on to have kids 5-10 years after you and suddenly their lives are alll about mashed bananas and soft play - but you’ll be over it by then!

You reap what you sow OP. One day your DC will be grown up and your marriage may fail. Then what?
I’m one of many middle aged women whose nest is now empty and finds herself single. Thank god for my lovely friends.

Going out one evening a month certainly isn't unusual in my circles (many of us have similarly aged children to OP) - children, work, housework and seeing family all take up a lot of time! It is lovely that you enjoy spending time with your children and it is time you won't get back. My parents loved spending time with my siblings and me, and we have all remained close as adults. Your children will gain more independence as they age, but they're not going to automatically dump you! You don't want to regret not spending enough time with your children, but also you presumably don't want to end up worrying about loneliness. It is all about balance - it is good that you plan to maintain friendships, and I'd make sure you're available more if a friend is in need, or to make it to a birthday celebration etc. However, quality of time is far more important than quantity of time. You might get to 50 and have to make more friends, but friends come and go regardless - I've got friends who I remain very close to despite seeing each other every few years, and friends who I've ended up unexpectedly drifting from despite seeing them very regularly. Not everyone needs to be in your life forever. If someone is a really good friend, you should be able to find a compromise for meeting up. Plenty of my child-free friends are very happy to come round for dinner in the evenings after bedtime, or to grab a coffee in the park or to meet for a lunchtime walk. In turn, I make sure I am really listening to them, not just talking about my children, and that I frequently let them know how much I appreciate their effort. I also do really push myself to go out for birthdays and special events even though I'd much rather be in bed at 9pm.

Also adding - it is ok to enjoy a quieter life! Many people do.

I don't think it's "ditched" exactly.

I have friends with DC who I have a fantastic friendship with, it's different to how it was, but it's great. And I have some friends who literally never accepted one invite and their kids are like 5 now. The problem is your friends lives move on too, they'll go through ups and downs that you weren't there for, so ten years down the line you won't be eachothers go to people.

Don’t take your friends for granted OP.

I get how you’re feeling. Especially with breastfeeding, I do think it makes us “quieter”. I think looking back I had subclinical PND after my babies too which made me kind of content to potter and not leave the house. It certainly changes you.

My friends ships stalled. I moved to a different area and made really good friends at the school gate. So have a lovely group here. I did keep in basic touch with the old group. But very sporadic. Then someone very dear to me died recently. I had completely taken it for granted that she would always be around. That now that my kids are older and doing their own thing more, I’d be able to hang out with her more. I regret that bitterly.

So, keep the wheels oiled OP. You can surely
do brunch at 10:00 and be home by 1:00? You’ll have seen the kids before you head out.

A few thoughts in response to some of the comments.

Yes, one of my worries is that in 10 years’ time the children will be older, have their own lives and I’ll wish I’d made more effort with my friendships. That’s probably the main thing that makes me question whether I’m being a bit short sighted. But equally, I don’t actually miss the socialising at the moment. It genuinely feels a bit like a chore rather than something I look forward to!

For example, I recently went out with a really good friend I’ve known for years. She’s really interesting, intelligent, funny, has an interesting job etc, someone I’d previously have happily spent hours chatting to. But after about half an hour of catching up, I was sort of done. It was nice to see her and nice to hear she’s doing well, but I found myself looking forward to going home and seeing the children. When I checked the time and realised we’d probably finish quite early, my first thought was actually, great, I’ll get to see the kids sooner! When she suggested another drink, I was very happy to say no thanks!

I also don’t work, I’m a SAHM but my daughter is at school, so by the time we get home at around 4pm there’s dinner, a bit of homework, playing and then bedtime. There’s actually not that much time together, and I really enjoy that little window after school. I don’t particularly want to give it up to go out for dinner or drinks.

I also feel like I get enough socialising through my mum friends. I regularly meet them for coffee while the babies nap or have them over for playdates. We don’t just talk about children, we chat about all sorts. So I do feel like my social cup is pretty full. The only thing is that these are relatively new friendships. I’ve known some of my other friends for 10, 20, even nearly 30 years. I suppose I worry about neglecting those friendships and losing people who’ve been part of my life for so long.

So I think I’m a bit torn. I know friendships need maintaining, and I don’t want to look back in 10 years and wonder where everyone went. But right now I genuinely don’t particularly want to spend my limited free time socialising. I’m not lonely or desperate for adult company. I just seem to prefer being with the children! I suppose I’m wondering whether I should make more of an effort now, even though I don’t particularly feel the need to.

You’ll regret it in a few years when they no longer want to know you and you have no friends.

I was exactly the same when my children were young. I am 55 now and my sons are lovely, independent young adults and I keep plenty of coffee dates with friends in my diary now.

You are breastfeeding an under one year-old so I will cut you some slack!

But please please do not let your friendships go. I was one of the few of my friends working full-time in an extremely stressful job with two babies at two different nurseries. I have a brilliant husband so we shared the load. But the one thing I kept doing was investing in friendships. Even if I felt tired and awful, I made time for them and I was often the one organising meet ups. I was not flaky and rarely pulled out of arrangements.

I am now mid 50s and my kids have graduated. I am so grateful for my friendships. Some friends have got divorced, some have other stresses going on, so do I. But we support each other. I am busier than ever, going out for meals, exhibitions, to the theatre etc.

I cannot imagine looking at this next phase of life with just my wonderful husband for company. I need more, and I think as humans we do need social contact. I do not support the modern championing of introversion.

Socialising can delay the effects of old age and dementia. Be careful over the next few years and do not lose your friendships.

Can’t really vote because it’s not reasonable or unreasonable, it’s just your choice.

But you seem to have your eyes open to the fact you may end up with no friends when you need them as a result.

Is there anything you would enjoy doing with friends? Sounds like they just suggest things you don’t enjoy, so maybe suggest something else?

Honestly, it sounds like you don't like your friends?

I have friends who I'd love to see, given any opportunity. I also have acquaintances who I wouldn't mind bumping into, but I wouldn't willingly give up my time for them. You kind of sound like you have the latter!

Just for the record, I love my children even though they've given me nits.

Why is that depressing? I learned early on that what 'people' think you should want to do isn't necessarily what everyone actually wants to do. I'd live my life the way that made me happiest. If I have to force myself to maintain friendships, I don't personally feel they're worth the effort.

Of course everyone wants to spend time with their kids. But ALL your free time? You might just want to spend all your time with your children, but even in a few short years your children will want to be spending their free time with their friends. If you've neglected your friendship then it's an unfair burden to place on kids that they are somehow responsible for your social needs.

Choosing to spend all your time with your kids instead of your friends does you or your kids no favours in the long run. It can be incredibly suffocating for children if their parent has no friends, no life or interests outwith of being a parent. Children benefit from seeing their parenrs model good friendships and that life isn't just about giving up everything to dedicate your life to the needs of someone else.

You're a SAHM mum too so I'm not really buying this "limited free time". You're presumably spending every morning and after school with them and weekends. A few hours once every few weeks doesn't mean you're going to somehow "miss out". I can almost guarantee your children won't care you're gone and would love the 1:1 time with their dad.

OP, this is Mn. It’s disproportionately populated by people who view a brunch invitation as an act of aggression and prefer to stay ‘in my own little family’. If you said you had decided to never leave the house again, you’d have posters saying ‘Yeah, same’.

I think its lovely that you enjoy your kids so much! If it's once a month and regular that seems quite a lot, assuming it's the same social group. Maybe be honest and tell them that you will only do lunch or early dinner or whatever it is and probably only once a month. If you keep randomly declining they will find it annoying and stop asking you. I do think its incredibly important to make the effort. If you don't love brunch maybe suggest a walk or something you like. Child free friends will always struggle with parent friends and need to accept they are a lower priority now and will meet them less regularly plus subject to cancellation when little ones are sick. On the other hand it's very foolish to let friendships slide, some come back but some don't. Its extremely difficult to make new friends when you have teen kids so don't let them slip away if they are good ones. You need to go out sometimes even when you are not in the form or call to their house at a child friendly time, something that involves compromise