Page 4 | To be a bit of a hermit and prefer to be with my kids than go out with friends?

hermitorjustmama · 2026-10-29T21:06:18+00:00

I have two DC, one aged 5 and one almost 1, and I’ve come to the slightly depressing realisation that I’d generally rather be at home with them than go out socialising. I have quite a few friends who regularly suggest dinner, brunch, drinks etc. And honestly, my immediate reaction is usually a resounding meh. I genuinely enjoy the everyday stuff with my children. I love picking up my eldest from school and hearing about her day, having dinner together and chatting around the table. I love doing bedtime with them. My youngest is still breastfed to sleep, which also makes bedtime much easier if I’m the one doing it. If I wait until the children are in bed before getting ready, I’m realistically not leaving the house until 8pm. My friends aren’t generally keen to start dinner at 8:30-9pm, and quite frankly neither am I given it’ll be a 6:30-7am start for school the next day. Weekend brunch is another popular suggestion. But weekends are the only two days my eldest is off school, and I don’t really want to spend half the day having eggs Benedict with my friends, then only see my daughter in the late afternoon and evening. That’s basically the amount of time I get with her on a school day anyway. Most of my friends don’t have children, so understandably they want to do adult things without a small person launching food across the table. The friends who do have children are easier to see because we can meet up and let the children entertain each other while we attempt a conversation. I do occasionally fancy an evening out, and I’m not planning to become a hermit. But realistically, I’d happily see friends once a month or so. I seem to receive far more invitations than I have either the time or the inclination to accept, and I feel increasingly guilty turning people down. I know friendships need maintaining, and I’m aware that children eventually grow up and leave you to sit alone wondering why nobody calls. I don’t want to wake up in ten years and discover that I’ve accidentally deleted my entire social life in favour of discussing phonics and watching someone eat mashed banana. But equally, I don’t want to spend my limited free time doing things I don’t particularly fancy just because apparently a functioning adult is supposed to enjoy brunch. So, AIBU? Am I being short-sighted and will I regret not making more effort with my friendships? Or is it perfectly normal to reach this stage of motherhood and discover that your idea of a wild night is everyone going to bed without a fuss?

Cherrytree86 · Today 12:02

Just stay home, OP

NotSmallButFunSize · Today 12:10

the7Vabo · Today 07:41

You don’t really sound as if you care about or value your friends. The internet is full of women who are either childless or childfree who feel they have been essentially dumped by their friends.
I don’t think the issue is that you see your friends once a month. It’s that you don’t really value them.

Agree - it's the stuff like "why would I go and do that with them when I can see my child"

Well, I see it as I live with my kids, I can basically see them whenever so it's nice to also spend time with other people! I don't get this idea that any moment not spent with your child is "wasted" somehow?

I love mine and we have fun together but I also love and have fun with my friends so have to sometimes give them the time slot!

Cherrytree86 · Today 12:13

NotSmallButFunSize · Today 12:10

Agree - it's the stuff like "why would I go and do that with them when I can see my child"

Well, I see it as I live with my kids, I can basically see them whenever so it's nice to also spend time with other people! I don't get this idea that any moment not spent with your child is "wasted" somehow?

I love mine and we have fun together but I also love and have fun with my friends so have to sometimes give them the time slot!

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@hermitorjustmama

This, OP!

also it really sounds like you hate brunch 😂

middleagedandinarage · Today 12:14

Plantlady10 · Today 09:18

You feel how you feel, but it does seem unusual to be so attached to your children you cant bare the thought of missing one bedtime. All relationships with people give us something different - i enjoy spending time with my kids, but also love a day/evening off to just be me.

Also, I guess this depends on how easy your kids are! I frequently so solo bedtimes with my 2 and 4 year old, and it is definitely not the nice relaxed experience I imagined it would be pre-kids. And tbh my 4 year old is much more enjoyable to hang out with than my whirlwind 2 year old

For me it's not so much I can't bare the thought of missing it but it's just where I would prefer to be. Snuggling with my kids, reading them a story and watching them drift off to sleep or being out with friends. The first is preferable for me every time, maybe I'm just sad

Retne · Today 12:15

hermitorjustmama · Today 11:08

A few thoughts in response to some of the comments.

Yes, one of my worries is that in 10 years’ time the children will be older, have their own lives and I’ll wish I’d made more effort with my friendships. That’s probably the main thing that makes me question whether I’m being a bit short sighted. But equally, I don’t actually miss the socialising at the moment. It genuinely feels a bit like a chore rather than something I look forward to!

For example, I recently went out with a really good friend I’ve known for years. She’s really interesting, intelligent, funny, has an interesting job etc, someone I’d previously have happily spent hours chatting to. But after about half an hour of catching up, I was sort of done. It was nice to see her and nice to hear she’s doing well, but I found myself looking forward to going home and seeing the children. When I checked the time and realised we’d probably finish quite early, my first thought was actually, great, I’ll get to see the kids sooner! When she suggested another drink, I was very happy to say no thanks!

I also don’t work, I’m a SAHM but my daughter is at school, so by the time we get home at around 4pm there’s dinner, a bit of homework, playing and then bedtime. There’s actually not that much time together, and I really enjoy that little window after school. I don’t particularly want to give it up to go out for dinner or drinks.

I also feel like I get enough socialising through my mum friends. I regularly meet them for coffee while the babies nap or have them over for playdates. We don’t just talk about children, we chat about all sorts. So I do feel like my social cup is pretty full. The only thing is that these are relatively new friendships. I’ve known some of my other friends for 10, 20, even nearly 30 years. I suppose I worry about neglecting those friendships and losing people who’ve been part of my life for so long.

So I think I’m a bit torn. I know friendships need maintaining, and I don’t want to look back in 10 years and wonder where everyone went. But right now I genuinely don’t particularly want to spend my limited free time socialising. I’m not lonely or desperate for adult company. I just seem to prefer being with the children! I suppose I’m wondering whether I should make more of an effort now, even though I don’t particularly feel the need to.

You're pulling away from your friends and you have no employment, therefore little to no stimulation outside of your children.

Not only does this not bode well for your own future, but it doesn't bode well for your DC's either.

I've known too many tweens/teenagers who feel guilty for spending so much time with their friends, due to seeing how lonely it makes their parent.

tokennamechange · Today 12:34

do you ever suggest things to do with your friends? Or are they always the ones to make the effort and you grace (or not) them with your presence?

If you don't want to do brunch then suggest an alternative you would like to do! There must be something you enjoy other than spending time with your kids.
Most people are friends with others they have something in common with - if you want to go to a gig, or to a museum exhibition or for a spa day suggest that.

Similarly if it's easier for friends to come around for a takeaway after the kids are in bed, or for a walk around the park while the kids play, suggest that.

Coming from the CF friend if I want to see my friends with kids I'm happy to give more than take, i.e. make things as convenient as possible for them, but it does have to be 80/20 or 70/30 rather than 99/1 - I'm happy to catch up and chat at a park with the understanding that we will be interrupted every 5 minutes by a "mum look at me!" as long as if, for example, on my birthday you come out for the adult only meal in the nice restaurant.

Cherrytree86 · Today 12:36

tokennamechange · Today 12:34

do you ever suggest things to do with your friends? Or are they always the ones to make the effort and you grace (or not) them with your presence?

If you don't want to do brunch then suggest an alternative you would like to do! There must be something you enjoy other than spending time with your kids.
Most people are friends with others they have something in common with - if you want to go to a gig, or to a museum exhibition or for a spa day suggest that.

Similarly if it's easier for friends to come around for a takeaway after the kids are in bed, or for a walk around the park while the kids play, suggest that.

Coming from the CF friend if I want to see my friends with kids I'm happy to give more than take, i.e. make things as convenient as possible for them, but it does have to be 80/20 or 70/30 rather than 99/1 - I'm happy to catch up and chat at a park with the understanding that we will be interrupted every 5 minutes by a "mum look at me!" as long as if, for example, on my birthday you come out for the adult only meal in the nice restaurant.

@hermitorjustmama

this is a good post, OP. There MUST be something you enjoy besides spending time with the kids? Swimming with a pal? Going to a life drawing class? Going for a walk in the woods?

Original poster

hermitorjustmama · Today 12:41

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Today 11:23

Can’t really vote because it’s not reasonable or unreasonable, it’s just your choice.

But you seem to have your eyes open to the fact you may end up with no friends when you need them as a result.

Is there anything you would enjoy doing with friends? Sounds like they just suggest things you don’t enjoy, so maybe suggest something else?

I guess the things I’d enjoy are not things they could do / would want to.

for example
*a walk in the park in the middle of a weekday morning (with sleeping baby) but they work so can’t
*coming out to the playground with my kids at the weekend, but I can imagine a childfree adult would not be thrilled at this suggestion (some friends have actually come and done this on occasion but probably not something they’d sign up to willingly)
*coming and baking with kids and I on a rainy day but… again, perhaps after a full week of work they’d like to relax with a cocktail in hand not have flour thrown at them or someone shouting “watch!!! Watch what I can do!!”
*weekday coffee / lunch with a sleeping baby but if I was to go to the area where they work then realistically I travel 40-60 mins each way with a pram to meet them for maybe an hour at best but probably more like 30 mins because they’ll have to get back to work… and they can’t travel to me in their lunch break, eat lunch, then back.

OP posts:

redskyAtNigh · Today 12:42

middleagedandinarage · Today 12:14

For me it's not so much I can't bare the thought of missing it but it's just where I would prefer to be. Snuggling with my kids, reading them a story and watching them drift off to sleep or being out with friends. The first is preferable for me every time, maybe I'm just sad

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But it's not "either or". If you love bedtime so much that you don't want to miss it even once, then see friends after bedtime, or at lunch time (if they work) or at weekends. That's the good part of children these ages; they are comparatively early to bed.

Cherrytree86 · Today 12:47

hermitorjustmama · Today 12:41

I guess the things I’d enjoy are not things they could do / would want to.

for example
*a walk in the park in the middle of a weekday morning (with sleeping baby) but they work so can’t
*coming out to the playground with my kids at the weekend, but I can imagine a childfree adult would not be thrilled at this suggestion (some friends have actually come and done this on occasion but probably not something they’d sign up to willingly)
*coming and baking with kids and I on a rainy day but… again, perhaps after a full week of work they’d like to relax with a cocktail in hand not have flour thrown at them or someone shouting “watch!!! Watch what I can do!!”
*weekday coffee / lunch with a sleeping baby but if I was to go to the area where they work then realistically I travel 40-60 mins each way with a pram to meet them for maybe an hour at best but probably more like 30 mins because they’ll have to get back to work… and they can’t travel to me in their lunch break, eat lunch, then back.

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@hermitorjustmama

what did you enjoy doing before kids, OP? What were your hobbies and interests?

most of the things you’ve listed there still revolve around the kids, rather than centring you and your friendships

Original poster

hermitorjustmama · Today 12:48

Autumnalhibernationisthedream · Today 10:15

the7Vabo

but meh can be exhausted or depressed and you don’t see it until the kids are older. I remember sitting with friends and just thinking ‘that’s just not funny’ as they laughed and joked about different things. I realised after that I was exhausted and really should not have gone out.

My meh is more like a “I guess, yeah, we should catch up, can we push it to next month? After Xmas?”

Not like an “I have no interest in life, meh, nothing excites me”. I’m fairly sure it’s not depression and I know that I do like to get out of the house (with my kids and / or husband), do activities (with my kids and / or husband), go out for meals (with my kids and / or husband). Actually I enjoy it with my own parents too but perhaps because my kids join whenever I am with my own parents?

OP posts:

Bufftailed · Today 12:48

IsawwhatIsaw · Today 11:39

My DC have long left home and are busy with their own lives.
i can’t believe how quickly those years went. Glad to have kept my own interests friends, job

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Absolutely! I think it also helps your relationship with them. We’re people & parents, not just parents!

GramercyPark · Today 12:49

hermitorjustmama · Today 12:41

I guess the things I’d enjoy are not things they could do / would want to.

for example
*a walk in the park in the middle of a weekday morning (with sleeping baby) but they work so can’t
*coming out to the playground with my kids at the weekend, but I can imagine a childfree adult would not be thrilled at this suggestion (some friends have actually come and done this on occasion but probably not something they’d sign up to willingly)
*coming and baking with kids and I on a rainy day but… again, perhaps after a full week of work they’d like to relax with a cocktail in hand not have flour thrown at them or someone shouting “watch!!! Watch what I can do!!”
*weekday coffee / lunch with a sleeping baby but if I was to go to the area where they work then realistically I travel 40-60 mins each way with a pram to meet them for maybe an hour at best but probably more like 30 mins because they’ll have to get back to work… and they can’t travel to me in their lunch break, eat lunch, then back.

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But you’re being completely inflexible.

Original poster

hermitorjustmama · Today 12:49

middleagedandinarage · Today 12:14

For me it's not so much I can't bare the thought of missing it but it's just where I would prefer to be. Snuggling with my kids, reading them a story and watching them drift off to sleep or being out with friends. The first is preferable for me every time, maybe I'm just sad

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This is me 100%

OP posts:

Macaroni46 · Today 12:52

hermitorjustmama · Today 12:48

My meh is more like a “I guess, yeah, we should catch up, can we push it to next month? After Xmas?”

Not like an “I have no interest in life, meh, nothing excites me”. I’m fairly sure it’s not depression and I know that I do like to get out of the house (with my kids and / or husband), do activities (with my kids and / or husband), go out for meals (with my kids and / or husband). Actually I enjoy it with my own parents too but perhaps because my kids join whenever I am with my own parents?

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You’re coming across as a bit dull tbh OP. What happens when your DC start wanting to do their own thing, go out without you? What happens if you split up with your DH? Where’s your identity?