To think it’s only a game and shouldn’t make your wife feel on edge?!

[FlowerPotFace]

In the quickest way possible my DH is a good man in general. I feel comfortable but he’s not a walk over in that if he wasn’t suited he would let it be known and I feel that’s what I need. I’m the same in that I’m fair but if I don’t like something he’ll know about it. So it’s like we both have respect for each other and wouldn’t take the piss and it works (for 11 years so far)

but….. he’s always been competitive regarding sports, him playing football and his team buy I never seen that as we met when he was older. He doesn’t play now as he’s too old but he still follows his favourite team and he gets so annoyed if they lose and I try to be understanding but in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck?! It’s not real life and imo it’s perspective. I have a child with a learning disability to me to me that’s perspective on life. Fine be annoyed but don’t let it come between you and your wife. He’ll get mad and shout at the tv if it’s not going their way and it makes me feel uncomfortable though it been like that for 10+ years but the new hobby is making it worse. (I had an abusive childhood so perhaps I’m more sensitive to shouting etc my mam was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and died when I was barely an adult and my dad used to batter everyone so it wasn’t great!)

He stated playing chess last year and when that doesn’t go his way he’s pissed off too. Doesn’t look at you when you walk in to the room, you can’t speak to him in the middle of a game (which can take up to an hour!) and I so I have to ignore him. It doesn’t last for long and he’s ok afterwards but to be frank I can’t be arsed with being on tender hooks due to him being ‘competitive’. Tonight his team lost so he went upstairs in a ‘pap’ and as I say it blows my mind because if someone said “your mam has cancer” that would soon put his hobbies in to perspective.

I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him he’s making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m worried of he loses!

Advice please lovely people

Honestly? I play quite a lot of chess and I wouldn’t want to play this man. Part of the game is accepting defeat with a good grace (if you are playing someone closely matched in skill, you will lose sometimes). No way would I play someone who was going to get in a terrible mood afterwards.

If only my colleagues being incompetent was a one-off!!!

People are allowed to be moody. annoyed, upset, angry. It's part of life. They're allowed to be all those things extensively. No one owes anyone cheerfulness. This year I've been miserable for weeks at a time (health issues). So has DH (work stress). You shouldn't have to plaster on a cheerful smile in your own home.

The key is how you behave directly towards the people you live with. Taking it out on them by snapping or being sullen to them - not acceptable. But someone else merely being angry or annoyed in the same house shouldn't be a reason to be on edge.

So as long as you ask someone to stop then they should have to. What if he asks her to stop being bothered by it, or asks her to stop asking him to stop?

If he wants to express it he can, if she doesn’t want to be around while he expresses it then she should leave him. Why be with someone you aren’t compatible with? But to call it abuse is insulting to people who are actually abused

I don’t really like football. Not because of the game itself but because fanaticism is indulged in a way that it isn’t elsewhere. Friends whose children play football often say how unpleasant it gets because a few of the parents behave like the OP’s husband - screaming at the ref and then being utterly graceless afterwards. All over a game played by primary aged children, who are not ever going to play professionally.

You're not wrong OP. It's classic male intimidation. Things aren't going his way and his male ego has been bashed. In this case it's about sport but it could be because you didn't cook his favourite tea or iron his shirts properly. So he makes you and the rest of the household "pay" by shouting, swearing and sulking on a regular basis. He makes you walk on eggshells around him because he is displeased. It's all about control and far too common with men.

In what way is sport not real life?

You say he puts you on edge and he clearly brings back memories of abuse. How much on edge? Is this a feeling of imminent violence in the real here and now? You cared enough to post about it.

Football and violence have a known link, obviously men and violence are a known link. Chess, not so much, so that’s raising my hackles for you. My own father behaved pretty much the same with football as what i think youre describing, he could start throwing things too: I looked for escape from the ‘family’ home (it wasnt one) and left with relief. I’m inclined to suggest the same thing to you.