To think it’s only a game and shouldn’t make your wife feel on edge?!

[FlowerPotFace]

In the quickest way possible my DH is a good man in general. I feel comfortable but he’s not a walk over in that if he wasn’t suited he would let it be known and I feel that’s what I need. I’m the same in that I’m fair but if I don’t like something he’ll know about it. So it’s like we both have respect for each other and wouldn’t take the piss and it works (for 11 years so far)

but….. he’s always been competitive regarding sports, him playing football and his team buy I never seen that as we met when he was older. He doesn’t play now as he’s too old but he still follows his favourite team and he gets so annoyed if they lose and I try to be understanding but in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck?! It’s not real life and imo it’s perspective. I have a child with a learning disability to me to me that’s perspective on life. Fine be annoyed but don’t let it come between you and your wife. He’ll get mad and shout at the tv if it’s not going their way and it makes me feel uncomfortable though it been like that for 10+ years but the new hobby is making it worse. (I had an abusive childhood so perhaps I’m more sensitive to shouting etc my mam was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and died when I was barely an adult and my dad used to batter everyone so it wasn’t great!)

He stated playing chess last year and when that doesn’t go his way he’s pissed off too. Doesn’t look at you when you walk in to the room, you can’t speak to him in the middle of a game (which can take up to an hour!) and I so I have to ignore him. It doesn’t last for long and he’s ok afterwards but to be frank I can’t be arsed with being on tender hooks due to him being ‘competitive’. Tonight his team lost so he went upstairs in a ‘pap’ and as I say it blows my mind because if someone said “your mam has cancer” that would soon put his hobbies in to perspective.

I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him he’s making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m worried of he loses!

Advice please lovely people

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, that's enough to talk to him about it.

If he can't regulate himself enough to not let his moods around football and chess impact on you, he needs to watch the games somewhere else and find a way of recalibrating before he sees you after chess.

It's totally fine to be passionate about something but it's not fine for that to spill onto how other people feel in your family and in your home.

Your home should be a safe space. You're clear in your post about how your experiences make you process shouting and negativity and it's really not OK for him not to take that into consideration.

I think if he’s immersed in a chess game it’s reasonable for him not to want to talk in the middle of it, same as if he was watching a film or reading a book. I’d also get pissed off if I was continuously interrupted whilst engaging in a hobby.

It’s also normal to feel annoyed following a loss or disappointment, lots of people feel disappointed and annoyance if their team loses a favourite sport or if they don’t do well at a hobby. That said, obviously how he behaves when he is pissed off matters. If he is just a bit quiet and doesn’t want to engage with you in small talk for an hour or two whilst he works through his emotions that’s normal, if he’s getting angry shouting at you over nothing, slamming doors or being heavy handed, throwing around insults or being unnecessarily argumentative even if you’re trying to give him space then that is different and it would be reasonable if you didn’t feel able to put up with that.

In my experience, yes. I had a string of bad luck dating and house sharing with football fans who were unable to regulate their post match emotions. Went to a few matches and remember feeling the anger and aggression around me in a way I hadn't felt before. Passion is one thing but when passion leads to anger that trips into the rest of your life and affects those around you that's something else. I feel like I remember a stat that domestic violence increases around big football games. Appreciate it won't be all men, but does rather seem to be a common theme.

Put me off football for a long time. DH prefers rugby so that was a win. However we've all really enjoyed supporting the Lionesses. Feels like a different vibe, or maybe it's just that football in general is more enjoyable when you're not worried about someone's temper.

Of course it's a hobby, what else would it be? But please don't say 'a way of life', it's too soon after breakfast.

I'm not a football fan but I'll defend anyone's right to get annoyed or angry by something they're invested in. Obviously there's a huge difference between taking your annoyance out on the people you live with, which is unacceptable, and merely being annoyed in a more general sense, which is part of life and they should be able to live with it.

I'm also in a foul mood after I lose tennis matches. DH knows to only approach with caution when that happens.

YANBU but if he’s been like this for 11 years he won’t change, and why are you suddenly going to raise it now?

I can’t stand men who use football as an excuse for acting like an angry baby, or to avoid family life. But that’s why I’d never marry or have kids with a man like that!

I think a lot of men really struggle to express their emotions and the joy/anger football enables is sometimes all they feel they can show, emotionally. Still don’t want to be around men that emotionally stunted, though, as they’re not all like that!

Yup, you’re absolutely right. Domestic violence should never be the result of a football match, and I don’t think any reasonable person would condone it.

But football doesn’t cause domestic violence. Abusive people cause domestic violence. Football might be the trigger or the excuse, but let’s be realistic here, millions upon millions of people experience the highs and lows of football without ever becoming violent towards another person.

But that’s not what we’re debating here. In this instance, there is no domestic violence. The OP simply doesn’t like that her husband experiences and expresses strong emotions about football.

That’s no different in principle from someone crying at a film, getting upset over a fictional character or becoming emotionally attached to a sentimental possession. We don’t get to decide what other people should feel strongly about simply because we don’t share those feelings.

Of course, there’s a distinction between expressing frustration and behaving aggressively or intimidatingly towards someone, which OP husband isn’t doing. But having an emotional reaction to football isn’t inherently unreasonable, and someone else’s past experiences don’t automatically make those emotions unacceptable.

This, people just need to give you a bit of time to chill out and then you’ll get over it. Not make it about them and how you are impacting them just because you are mad at yourself or tennis not at them.

Hmm what do you mean when you say that men have often not been allowed to show emotion?
This isn't a man crying sensitive tears, it's a man being angry and rude to the people around him.
Women being weepy about certain films doesn't negatively impact anyone else; men being aggressive rude manbabies does, so I think it's a false equivalence. We give men too much slack for this kind of bullshit and the OP is right to think of the bigger picture. Maybe the husband should get some therapy to find out why he's stuck in these moods.

I really don’t think that is normal behaviour. My partner loves football and yes he can be disappointed if his team loses and will "shout" at the tv (in a playful way more than anything) but he’s over it more or less straight away. I wouldn’t be able to deal with that and I don’t think you should be saying you’re sensitive because of your past. It’s nothing to do with that, most people wouldn’t be comfortable with someone acting that way. It’s not normal.

If he can’t self-regulate within reason watching football, he needs to watch it out of the house and not bring negative emotion home. Surely he can play chess online in a spare room or bedroom with the door shut? No need for you to have to tiptoe about.

Tenterhooks.

I couldn’t live with someone like this. Id dump

I was also in a foul mood earlier because of someone else's work fuck-up that made my day a lot harder than it should have been. I WFH and there may have been a bit of a rant that involved swearing and loud shouting. DH has a day off today and he calmed me down by bringing me tea. It wasn't about him or directed at him, and if he'd made it about him by complaining he felt on edge, I'd have been unimpressed.

He is souring the atmosphere in the house.
It sounds as if it has now become a more regular thing.
Yanbu.

I would find that very upsetting too.
I think you need to tell him that his behaviour is upsetting and triggering for you.

He needs to manage his emotions.
If he refuses then his behaviour is abusive to you and your children and you need to rethink things.

No

Exactly.

I think people need to realise that if their partner is angry that is ok…you can feel emotions. It’s the taking them out on someone that is the problem. Mine would be like yours and would either give me room to get over it, or come to give me a person to vent to.

It’s not always the extreme, but people seem to want any display of negative emotion to be treated like it is.

Is it abusive, or would hers be because she is trying to control him and not allow him to express emotion 🤷‍♀️🤔

Not everything is abuse.

If he’s getting annoying or grumpy/aggressive at you or your children - that that is completely unacceptable.

The rates of DV shoot up when a football team loses and this sort of behaviour needs to be stamped out.

But if he’s just getting moody with the games that’s ok.

Him not speaking to you or the DCs for an hour is ok if he’s busy - but he shouldn’t get to dominate the living space and the children’s needs come first.

I think you need to talk to your husband (at a time when he's not riled up) and explain how his shouting and moodiness make you feel. He will hopefully be horrified and either modify his reactions or follow his hobbies away from you. Have you ever had therapy to help you come to terms with your childhood?

I am a gamer and play games that involve shooting etc.

I also play a sport/follow it.

In both instances, I can be frustrated or a bit emotional/passionate - but within reason.

I’ve never cried at either and I wouldn’t take my frustration out on anyone else.

If I or my team lost, I wouldn’t be moody with anyone in my family as it’s not my fault and at the end of the day it’s just a game.

Yes IMO it is abusive to continue to be angry, shouting and moody over a game when your reaction is upsetting your family and they have asked you to stop doing it.

The OP has a right to a peaceful house as do her children.
It is hardly a one off game she is speaking about.
He's online playing chess so it could be a very regular thing.

But that is a one off situation?
Completely acceptable as of course people get upset.

But a regular thing, multiple times a week?
I wouldn't be happy to be sharing a house with that.

Would you behave like that in a shared office?

Its about being respectful of a shared space.
One off upset absolutely fine.

Daily upset putting the house on edge, not acceptable.

I have a sports mad house with two gamers here.
Excessive excitement at times can be noisy but anger and upset, Id be telling them to shut it down.

I was going to say something like this. I play online chess and limit my games to 10 minutes a side (so 20 mins is the max). It isn’t sensible to expect people to creep about for ages while I play … and if something important comes up I resign from the game (perhaps my chess rating would be higher if I acted like the OP’s husband).

Caring deeply about the game while it is on is fair enough. Being very unpleasant afterwards is not.

Out of nosiness, is he moody / sulky with other people when his team loses? Or just with you? If you don’t know, it might be worth finding out. If it is just you then it might be time for a matter of fact conversation along the lines of you are not an extension of him and you aren’t interested in his bad moods when his team loses.

Who does he play chess with? Why not learn and play with him?
I don't think most men are moody about their team losing etc it sounds like your DP needs to do his sport watching elsewhere.