To think it’s only a game and shouldn’t make your wife feel on edge?!

[FlowerPotFace]

In the quickest way possible my DH is a good man in general. I feel comfortable but he’s not a walk over in that if he wasn’t suited he would let it be known and I feel that’s what I need. I’m the same in that I’m fair but if I don’t like something he’ll know about it. So it’s like we both have respect for each other and wouldn’t take the piss and it works (for 11 years so far)

but….. he’s always been competitive regarding sports, him playing football and his team buy I never seen that as we met when he was older. He doesn’t play now as he’s too old but he still follows his favourite team and he gets so annoyed if they lose and I try to be understanding but in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck?! It’s not real life and imo it’s perspective. I have a child with a learning disability to me to me that’s perspective on life. Fine be annoyed but don’t let it come between you and your wife. He’ll get mad and shout at the tv if it’s not going their way and it makes me feel uncomfortable though it been like that for 10+ years but the new hobby is making it worse. (I had an abusive childhood so perhaps I’m more sensitive to shouting etc my mam was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and died when I was barely an adult and my dad used to batter everyone so it wasn’t great!)

He stated playing chess last year and when that doesn’t go his way he’s pissed off too. Doesn’t look at you when you walk in to the room, you can’t speak to him in the middle of a game (which can take up to an hour!) and I so I have to ignore him. It doesn’t last for long and he’s ok afterwards but to be frank I can’t be arsed with being on tender hooks due to him being ‘competitive’. Tonight his team lost so he went upstairs in a ‘pap’ and as I say it blows my mind because if someone said “your mam has cancer” that would soon put his hobbies in to perspective.

I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him he’s making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m worried of he loses!

Advice please lovely people

I’m not a great fan on football but I have on the odd occasion accompanied my husband to a match , I think you’ll soon learn that your husband isn’t the only one who changes into a completely different bloke when watching his team, and don’t even ask me about when a goal is scored 🤯…… I nearly got trampled! Maybe try going to a real match , I think you’ll quickly learn it’s normal among die hard fans to behave like that . 😉

This is one of the reasons sports are good for children, so they learn to win and lose with grace. I know 7 year olds who do a better job. It's a skill. High time he learned it.

and women and kids!! In my house we support 2 different premier league clubs! Derby weekend we don’t speak to each other 😂😂😂😂

No. I’m passionate about football. Support a big premiership team and my dh supports a different one. Equally in rugby, only international teams. We’re both respectful. I do know one man who we refuse to watch football with cos he screams, shouts then walks out of it’s not going his way.
we all get disappointed but honestly after a few minutes it’s done. It is only a game . Your dh sounds annoying

Not just men.

Exactly.

My DH was/is like this. In a mood when his team lost. Grumpy playing a round of golf if he wasn't hitting the ball well. Bad mood if his 5 a side team didn't play well.

We talked about how these things were making him miserable and he chose to stop following his team and playing competitive sports. He's found other hobbies like dungeons and dragons and collaborative rather than competitive games. He is who he is but he has made choices that make him more happy than his old choices did. Perhaps your DH could re-evaluate what he actually gets out of his past times.

Crikey you wouldn't want to be in a room with my brother's and uncles if it's not footie it's darts and it it's not darts it's cricket there shouting at lol

Who does your husband play chess with, @FlowerPotFace ? This seems to be the weird thing, to me. Chess is a quiet game that involves massive concentration. You're usually too busy thinking to have time to notice people coming into the room, much less talk to them.

I could handle with it when it was just about football but since he’s started chess, that’s even more competitive and it’s doing my head in.

I get this but I don’t think it’s ok when your emotions start making other people (you love) feel on edge. IMO that’s where the line is crossed. As a pp stated, feeling sad is one thing but feeling angry and people tip toeing around you is another.

If it was only sport I wouldn’t be as annoyed but as I say the competitive nature if his hobby is now causing issues

You’ve mentioned my lack of empathy a couple of times and how I don’t deserve sympathy becase I’m not empathetic!!

Just to clarify, I had an abusive childhood with an alcoholic mother who died when I was barely an adult. My dad battered her and my brother and I whitenessed both . I didn’t get batterd because I knew how to keep quiet.

That is in no way comparable to a football team loosing a game and the emotions it provokes. Don’t even try to compare the horrendous childhood to the disappointment of a football match!!!

Online games with people from all over

A bit of shouting at the telly when the game is on is pretty normal I would say. Moodiness/ sulking/ bad temper afterwards is quite different. The behaviour around chess would be annoying too.

It's not ok to be moody and horrible just because your team lost so yanbu

Domestic abuse increases whenever England play, whether they win or lose

There are books on toddlers and their big emotions, maybe go back to basics

Sharing this great poem by Chloe Laws

I think most men get annoyed. My husband does, but he doesn’t take it out on me. However, he has a season ticket so he is usually over it by the time he’s home. But if he watches them on tv as they’re away I will read my book and I don’t tend to say anything if they lose. Not becuase I’m scared to just because I know he’s annoyed and I just give him 5/10 minutes to regulate himself

going forward with the chess playing. If he’s playing online then I would suggest he takes himself off to another room where it’s less busy and not in the hub of the house, kitchen and living room. I agree you shouldn’t be expected not to speak or go about your business so he should go somewhere he won’t be interrupted like the bedroom that’s unreasonable of him to expect that. However on the other hand he should be able to do his hobby within reason and when he’s playing you should respect he will need his space to concentrate and that does mean you may not be able to talk to him as it’s hard to do both. you have past trauma and I get that. I didn’t have the best childhood & like you I find some people’s annoyances tedious and they lack perspective, but I also know that’s unfair on them from me. You can’t force your lived experience on them and force them to see things from a different perspective. They will know you’re right but that doesn’t mean they can’t have their own triggers. So at the same time I think he needs to manage his emotions better I do think you lack respect of his feelings just because you’ve been through stuff. He takes himself off when he’s annoyed & that exactly what he should be doing. He can’t help his competitive streak. The fact he leaves the room and goes upstairs is him dealing with it. You have to learn to give him the space to calm down and it’s irrelevant if you find the reason behind his emotion tedious or not, to him it isn’t

This. OP I feel the same as you - it's just a game to me. But I can see how it's a precious/neutral place to let out some pent up emotions and from a "therapy" point of view that's a good thing.

Tell him he acts like a nasty 9 year old brat and you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him. I'd also tell him that the busiest times for police and ambulance regarding Domestic Violence is after football matches. And while you don't think he'd ever hit you, his aggression makes you feel safe and on edge and you dread any game. That you don't want to live like this and you resent and detest him when he is like that.

I'm not sure that's any better actually, my ex would be depressed and moody for days when his team lost and that wasn't easy to live with. Unfortunately his team is/was... No, I won't be mean enough to name them!

I would not live like this. It is inappropriate to get into that foul of a mood at home on a regular basis. And even more inappropriate that this negative behaviour is triggered by voluntary, self-induced, non-essential activities.

Given he is not the father of your DC, he can stop this horribleness or he can move out of your home IMO.

I would suggest to him that he is overly emotional and needs to calm down. There is clearly a pattern here because it’s not just the football, it’s the chess too. It’s quite childish and performative behaviour IMO and he’s setting a bad example for your child. He needs to learn to deal with his big feelings and not be such a sore loser.

I have a child with a learning disability to me to me that’s perspective on life.

How old is your child OP and are they in the house when you partner is behaving like this?

If he's doing this around a young child then absolutely unacceptable - it could be quite scary for a child to see a grown man behaving this way as they won't have context or understanding of why they are doing it.

If your child is grown up or not at home etc., to be honest I would still hate it personally and couldn't be with a man who does this, but I also appreciate that football is something that seems to bring out this passion in people. So I'm a bit torn.

A couple of questions -

You chose to be with him knowing he's a sport lover and his personality so why is it only coming out now after 11 years?

And how long does he stay in a huff for when he storms off after a game?

I personally would find it massively unattractive that someone can be so out of control of their emotions over a sport, and dismissive of the impact on people around them, and the display of rage/ anger can be quite scary. It's the fact that it's football as well, not anything that is truly 'real life' causing it. So for me, I couldn't be with him. But I understand not everyone sees it this way.

Also I am not saying he is violent or abusive, or that all men who do this are - but a man sat alone shouting at the TV over a football game is such a common precursor to domestic abuse that again, I would find it a massive turn off.