To think it’s only a game and shouldn’t make your wife feel on edge?!

[FlowerPotFace]

In the quickest way possible my DH is a good man in general. I feel comfortable but he’s not a walk over in that if he wasn’t suited he would let it be known and I feel that’s what I need. I’m the same in that I’m fair but if I don’t like something he’ll know about it. So it’s like we both have respect for each other and wouldn’t take the piss and it works (for 11 years so far)

but….. he’s always been competitive regarding sports, him playing football and his team buy I never seen that as we met when he was older. He doesn’t play now as he’s too old but he still follows his favourite team and he gets so annoyed if they lose and I try to be understanding but in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck?! It’s not real life and imo it’s perspective. I have a child with a learning disability to me to me that’s perspective on life. Fine be annoyed but don’t let it come between you and your wife. He’ll get mad and shout at the tv if it’s not going their way and it makes me feel uncomfortable though it been like that for 10+ years but the new hobby is making it worse. (I had an abusive childhood so perhaps I’m more sensitive to shouting etc my mam was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and died when I was barely an adult and my dad used to batter everyone so it wasn’t great!)

He stated playing chess last year and when that doesn’t go his way he’s pissed off too. Doesn’t look at you when you walk in to the room, you can’t speak to him in the middle of a game (which can take up to an hour!) and I so I have to ignore him. It doesn’t last for long and he’s ok afterwards but to be frank I can’t be arsed with being on tender hooks due to him being ‘competitive’. Tonight his team lost so he went upstairs in a ‘pap’ and as I say it blows my mind because if someone said “your mam has cancer” that would soon put his hobbies in to perspective.

I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him he’s making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m worried of he loses!

Advice please lovely people

When he is over 50 he can play Walking Football.

That’s the thing about football: it really isn’t only a game. It’s a great deal more than that, which I think is hard for people to understand if they don’t have that connection

I hate to burst your football bubble, but it actually really IS only a game
A game with deep emotions, history etc attached to it yes.
But still only a game

The bottom line is that while he does this, you’re not compatible. It’s not healthy or pleasant for you to live with him. Would you consider leaving?

He needs to consider whether his choice to feed and indulge moodiness and anger in himself is worth the impact on your wellbeing. Worth possibly losing you.

What I’d want to understand, were I him, is whether this anger and moodiness is deep within him and will always find an outlet. Or whether it’s an avoidable effect of getting wrapped up in sport.

Likely something in between. The sport is acting like a drug or bad lifestyle choices, bringing out and feeding a tendency that could be swerved if it wasn’t being nurtured and fed.

As a practical option, can he keep his addiction and its consequences out of your home? Go elsewhere to watch, don’t come back until he’s civilised?

I can't be doing with sore losers. It shows a weak personality.

I agree. If your emotional state is dependent on how well a football team is doing it means your ego and self worth is tied in with something outside your control. That’s never going to work out long term.

Shouting abusively in the house should be a no no, even if it's at the tv, particularly if there is a child around. Tell him it's not on.

Oh- a (female) friend of mine is like that with Celtic. I don’t get it - but it’s a real passion she and so many others share. But if you don’t get it, you don’t get it

I don’t think other people should have to withhold their emotions (in situations where they’re not directed at you) because you happen to feel on edge when they express them. It isn’t his fault you feel the way you do. He can’t be expected never to get angry because you had a bad childhood.

Me and DH love our football and the atmosphere in the house on game day is always exciting but tense. Yes we both shout at the TV. NOT at each other, but at the TV. Its part and parcel, in our house, of being a football fan, and in most passionate football fans living rooms on game day. No-one is being abusive, no-one is being disrespected. Its all part of watching the game and the emotion that goes with it.

Yes, there is emotion when your team wins and loses, its important, especially during cup ties. Only a football fan would understand this and it does affect your mood for a while.

The problem lies when the mood, carries on for a while and this mood gets taken out on everyone else. We have never let that happen in our house for too long and it doesn't sound like your DH does either.

He is a passionate fan and you can't force that out of him.

Can you go do something else for the 90 minutes a game is on, go out, see a friend, take a bath etc...?

Off topic slightly, but curious to know how you get your tender hooks?

I marinade mine overnight and cook in the slow cooker for many hours but they're still as tough as old boots!

It’s a game. It isn’t ONLY a game. It is a game, but it’s also a lot of other things.

A dog or a cat is an animal. It isn’t ONLY an animal though. It is other things, to the people who love it.

A child’s favourite comfort teddy is a few scraps of cloth and stuffing. It isn’t ONLY that, though, as you’ll know if you’ve experienced a child losing one.

An irreplaceable photograph of someone’s late spouse, parent or child is a printed piece of card. It isn’t ONLY a printed piece of card, though, and I wouldn’t suggest you made that claim to someone who’d had one stolen.

Nothing is only one thing.

DH and his son and da£ shout so loud that as soon as the cat and dog realise it’s football on the telly they hightail off to the kitchen with me. Oddly the dog can sense when it’s an international and stays in the room, it’s only their team, the energy is different for an international.

I roll my eyes and generally don’t pay much attention, there’s times at the weekend he’ll be off when we are doing something and I’ll realise they are playing…he denies it has any effect but it does. Doesn’t help he’s a Man City fan.

I think given your history it’s worth talking to him, if he’s not generally a prick he should get it, and compromise a bit. .

You're on tender hooks eh? I suggest you don't put him on a pedal stool in future and that you point out to him that he's getting annoyed about what is, in reality, little more than a damp squid.

"performative" for who, sat in your own lounge?

It comes from feeling passionate about supporting your team. Have you never felt that way about anything?

Instead of the sarcasm, you could just politely explain that you aren't nit picking but you don't want somebody nasty to come along later mocking her, and the correct expression is "tenter hooks".

Though it's such an archaic expression that most people probably get it wrong these days. Or she may have typed it correctly and it's autocorrected.

Tenterhooks actually. It's all one word.

It is well known amongst the police and domestic violence charities that the loss of an 'important ' football match will cause men to attack their female partners and children.

Excellent touché. 😁😁😁

I think it's a game. Men think it's a religion.
A friend had to check the football scores and hide the children if his team lost, because he would hit them all. This is not anecdotal, and they are still together.
It's been normalised but it isn't normal and in most countries this wouldn't be acceptable..

In that case, he should really take himself off somewhere quiet to play it, where it doesn't affect the comings and goings and behaviour of the rest of the family.
Where do people find these ridiculous partners?

Interesting, i think we all have a responsibility to contain our emotions when round others to a certain extent. Its not okay for one person to dictate the mood in the room like this. But then I, as you say in your comment, also grew up in a household with an angry (never physically abusive) man and it has left scars on me, so I accept i have learned behaviour from that! Interesting to hear others opinions.

No. I don't think so. My husband is not like that. Neither is my daughter's partner or sons or other men I know.

The competitiveness is not the problem, it is the fact your DH has very poor impulse control that is the problem. Caring more about football than your family is a massive problem, and he needs to know that.

Not 90% of the men I know. Perhaps you know the wrong sort of men.

He's a twat. Of course it's only a bloody game.

I remember being at a friend’s to watch football. When his team lost, her H started yelling in genuine anger and threw chairs or kicked them It was really, really uncomfortable to be in the room as him and his wife was clearly really embarrassed by him.

I went out with a guy who was a huge, huge football fan and he was never like that, nor his brother who was generally a dick. They were very passionate but still able to emotionally regulate when their team lost.

If you are feeling anxious about his team losing, his reactions have gone too far.