To think it’s only a game and shouldn’t make your wife feel on edge?!

[FlowerPotFace]

In the quickest way possible my DH is a good man in general. I feel comfortable but he’s not a walk over in that if he wasn’t suited he would let it be known and I feel that’s what I need. I’m the same in that I’m fair but if I don’t like something he’ll know about it. So it’s like we both have respect for each other and wouldn’t take the piss and it works (for 11 years so far)

but….. he’s always been competitive regarding sports, him playing football and his team buy I never seen that as we met when he was older. He doesn’t play now as he’s too old but he still follows his favourite team and he gets so annoyed if they lose and I try to be understanding but in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck?! It’s not real life and imo it’s perspective. I have a child with a learning disability to me to me that’s perspective on life. Fine be annoyed but don’t let it come between you and your wife. He’ll get mad and shout at the tv if it’s not going their way and it makes me feel uncomfortable though it been like that for 10+ years but the new hobby is making it worse. (I had an abusive childhood so perhaps I’m more sensitive to shouting etc my mam was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and died when I was barely an adult and my dad used to batter everyone so it wasn’t great!)

He stated playing chess last year and when that doesn’t go his way he’s pissed off too. Doesn’t look at you when you walk in to the room, you can’t speak to him in the middle of a game (which can take up to an hour!) and I so I have to ignore him. It doesn’t last for long and he’s ok afterwards but to be frank I can’t be arsed with being on tender hooks due to him being ‘competitive’. Tonight his team lost so he went upstairs in a ‘pap’ and as I say it blows my mind because if someone said “your mam has cancer” that would soon put his hobbies in to perspective.

I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him he’s making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m worried of he loses!

Advice please lovely people

Is this not 90% of men who like football?

YANBU. Definitely tell him that shouting and moods make you uncomfortable.

He should go out and watch it somewhere else if he can’t regulate his moods.

I mean how does his annoyance manifest? what's he shouting at the TV? is he swearing and screaming in front of the child? are you worried about him hurting either of you when he's in a mood? what happens if you do look at him once he's lost at chess? or if you talk to him normally once his team loses at football?

on the surface he's allowed to be upset if his team loses or he loses. just because you think they're just stupid games and "real" life is all that counts doesn't mean other people ccan8habe passions

however if you and the child are having to avoid him because he's aggressive / abusive, if he's violent or you feel unsafe, it's obvsl9very different

No?

My DH is very passionate but he would be sad at them losing rather than angry. Same with most of his friends, my stepdad, my nephews.

So no, not normal at all.

(edited to add - I don’t mean just shouting at the telly. I mean storming off upstairs etc)

but he still follows his favourite team and he gets so annoyed if they lose and I try to be understanding but in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck?!

Millions of people.
Billions if you are talking worldwide.
Sport brings out passion in many, many people.

Obviously I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood.

No-one is going to disagree that being told your child has disabilities or your parent has cancer would be awful, and would indeed put your life into perspective BUT that doesn't mean people can't feel joy, exhilaration, and excitement when their team is doing well and sadness and disappointment when they don't.
People can feel emotions at different levels and about different things.

No

Definitely talk to him- he might change his ways. I think many men enjoy shouting at the telly during football matches. Mine was shooting at Gary neville the other day. I just laughed at him and said you do know Gary can’t hear you. dh then laughed and said but Gary is talking shite and then I left him to it for the second half where he continued to argue with an oblivious Gary, telling him to fuck off at one point.

the difference is though after the game, although annoyed with his team, he isn’t in a mood all evening or taking it out on the family- that’s not acceptable.

you need to explain how it makes you feel. Hopefully he just genuinely didn’t realise and will think about how he is responding in future.

I think the whole ‘shouting at the tv’ thing regarding sports is idiotic and largely performative. I don’t have any time for it and make that clear, every time it’s men within my general circle (harder to challenge in a public venue with strangers, obviously).

I think you should have a conversation with him, especially given your own difficult upbringing. I am sure that he actually wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable and it simply hasn’t crossed his mind that how he enjoys sports is actually unnecessary.

Having passion etc for one thing is absolutely fine but taking it out on your family is never ok and that's what I'd be discussing with him.

I love football but I don't sulk like a baby when my team loses.

I do feel clarity is needed on the exact behaviour. Shouting at the TV is ok as in “come on ref!!” Etc. I know you have a background that may not like shouting but that bit is relatively normal for football fans.

Storming off, snapping at you, swearing in front of the kids, these are not ok.

Is he using his all consuming interest in sport as an excuse to get out of looking after your child? Is the child his?

Ugh, football fans.

No. HTH.

🙄

Get excited and passionate about sport/football by all means - but don't bring it into your actual real life - that's just silly (and potentially damaging). Some people use it as a foil for deeper issues.

Unless his shouting etc is aimed at you, I think YABU. It’s not his fault you had a difficult childhood, and I don’t think that should mean he can’t show the same passion for his team that a lot of other fans show.

Have you ever been to a football match? There’s a huge amount of passion and shouting and frustration going on. It’s not particularly odd to feel the same way when you watch at home.

I care massively about football. Supporting my team is something that’s been handed down through generations of my family and it’s a huge connection to my heritage and roots and a big part of my identity. That’s the thing about football: it really isn’t only a game. It’s a great deal more than that, which I think is hard for people to understand if they don’t have that connection to it or aren’t very aware of football history and culture. So yes, I am hugely passionate when I watch a game and I absolutely do shout at the telly.

Yes, of course your team losing isn’t as bad as your mum having cancer. We all know that. In fact, I especially know that because my mum did have cancer. But people are allowed to care about more than one thing. I’ve had some very, very difficult times in my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about less important things too. I’ve got enough feelings to go round; they’re not a finite resource. I can get angry and shout about football just like I can feel sad and cry about a sad book or feel scared and nervous about a frightening film.

If your partner is being abusive towards you or taking his anger out on you, that’s unacceptable. But I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong just by being passionate about the team and caring about the results.

Ugh, people who are ignorant about football fans.

Ah yes, that famously oppressed group of people…football fans.

You aren’t well suited. But also, some level of annoyance is expected when your team loses so you’ve lost a lot of the empathy I had for you since you belittled his feelings.

There is no excuse for him being an arsehole to you, but you don’t need to be one too. Just separate if it isn’t working for you.

This 💯

When your team loses and you are into football it’s awful. Both me and my husband can be like bears with sore heads, but we just don’t get phased if the other is in a mood (we have different teams) and then it passes.

I don’t know how much sympathy that the OP will get when she can’t show any empathy toward her husband herself 🤷‍♀️

I didn’t say they were oppressed.

This 💯

Men have often not been allowed to show emotion, and football is the one place that it's been seen as acceptable. Really sad. Hopefully things are changing, and among younger family members, the girls seem just as passionate. When they grow up, will they act like some of the men? Hope not.
That said, some women do get very passionate/weepy about certain films etc, so maybe some people are just more emotional.

Great response.

@FlowerPotFace An important aspect of maturity is for someone to understand that they will never be good enough at their hobbies (e.g. chess, football) to go professional, which means that treating the hobby seriously is a massive waste of time and energy.

If your husband comes to understand this, he may actually learn to enjoy his hobbies in a more gentle way, rather than completely blowing a fuse over something completely inconsequential.