To think it’s only a game and shouldn’t make your wife feel on edge?!

[FlowerPotFace]

In the quickest way possible my DH is a good man in general. I feel comfortable but he’s not a walk over in that if he wasn’t suited he would let it be known and I feel that’s what I need. I’m the same in that I’m fair but if I don’t like something he’ll know about it. So it’s like we both have respect for each other and wouldn’t take the piss and it works (for 11 years so far)

but….. he’s always been competitive regarding sports, him playing football and his team buy I never seen that as we met when he was older. He doesn’t play now as he’s too old but he still follows his favourite team and he gets so annoyed if they lose and I try to be understanding but in the grand scheme of things who gives a fuck?! It’s not real life and imo it’s perspective. I have a child with a learning disability to me to me that’s perspective on life. Fine be annoyed but don’t let it come between you and your wife. He’ll get mad and shout at the tv if it’s not going their way and it makes me feel uncomfortable though it been like that for 10+ years but the new hobby is making it worse. (I had an abusive childhood so perhaps I’m more sensitive to shouting etc my mam was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and died when I was barely an adult and my dad used to batter everyone so it wasn’t great!)

He stated playing chess last year and when that doesn’t go his way he’s pissed off too. Doesn’t look at you when you walk in to the room, you can’t speak to him in the middle of a game (which can take up to an hour!) and I so I have to ignore him. It doesn’t last for long and he’s ok afterwards but to be frank I can’t be arsed with being on tender hooks due to him being ‘competitive’. Tonight his team lost so he went upstairs in a ‘pap’ and as I say it blows my mind because if someone said “your mam has cancer” that would soon put his hobbies in to perspective.

I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and tell him he’s making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m worried of he loses!

Advice please lovely people

Just ignore him. He sounds like he thrives off the atmosphere. Read a book or watch something act like he’s not bothering you at all and I can bet he tones it down- especially with no one reacting. Sounds like he likes the control or the power trip of you jumping or being intimidated

I have literally no sympathy for people being emotionally affected when their sports team loses. I find it irritating in the extreme. BUT OP it's worth asking yourself if he's actually doing anything to you when he feels like this or is an echo from your past that makes you feel anxious and itchy about it. People are entitled to have emotions (even if they're over stupid things about football) and he isn't your alcoholic/abusive parent, he's your otherwise lovely husband. In some ways you're being the unreasonable one by suggesting he doesn't allow himself to feel things because it makes you feel bad.

If he's actually being aggressive towards you that's different and he should go somewhere else.

I know where you are coming from. I grew up in an abusive home and I can't go to football matches or the pub when football is on because it triggers me. It's normal there for the fans to be shouting and swearing when they are losing. However, I know it's a me issue. I just go to another room if my DH is watching sport. Many, many sports fans are like this, even some female ones.

This would be a top example of a peak twatty Mumsnet post if it weren’t for the fact all the humour is stolen from Graham Lineham’s IT Crowd.

No in my experience about half are not very interested in it.

Wow, on what planet did I do that

You are projecting.

I can't see that empathy is called for. Seeing one's team lose is an easily foreseeable outcome of supporting a team, it's not a misfortune that arrives without warning. If you can't cope with disappointment, it's time to find a different hobby.

This! @FlowerPotFace

This poster has suffered and awful childhood in an abusive home, but doesn’t diminish things others like because it triggers her. She finds way to cope such as not going to the pub when there is a match on.

You don’t have to be with your husband for every second of the day, go read a book out of the way, take a nice evening walk, meet with friends…give him space when the lose. Just because you went through a trauma doesn’t mean everyone needs to change to fit you, that’s not how life works, you need to learn coping mechanisms and strategies to avoid being triggered or avoid the triggers.

I hope you’ve had counselling, or are having it, sorry I can’t remember and not going back to check all of the posts. If you aren’t having it then it might be helpful to have trauma therapy, I know it has helped a friend who was in a similar situation.

This is key.

He should be sensitive to what you find triggering. And having a man who gets emotive and moody in your home is understandably v triggering for you if you had a volatile and violent father, who you had to tread on eggshells around.

Even leaving that aside, it’s not acceptable to let your passion for winning (or moodiness in general) affect other people. I share a home with v passionate football fans. They sometimes shout out when there are goals or negative decisions. But they don’t take their moodiness out on me if they lose. My BF plays online chess and sometimes makes passionate remarks if he makes a mistake or loses. But again, he still chats to me while playing and would never be moody with me due to the chess.

So, IMHO, you need to explain this to your DH. He needs to be aware of how his emotions, and especially shouting and sulking, affect you. He basically needs to be more mature and considerate. He’s perfectly capable of doing so, as I’m sure he wouldn’t behave like that to work colleagues etc. However, if he struggles with this, no doubt there are online resources or he can book some therapy.

It’s not a hobby - you aren’t even attempting to understand what it means to people are you. 🙄

Its not. They can hear you. Honestly...i shout even if I'm on my own

I also give a running appraisal of the game which gets on my wick let alone anyone else in the vicinity.

I get angry when we lose. I'm still absolutely fuming about England this summer...but i don't take it out on anyone. Although Diego Maradona would still get a stern talking to.

I can't understand why people take it so seriously and I never will. I would not tolerate a man behaving like this.

What is it about football that turns people into idiots? I can't wrap my head around it. I'm an ice hockey fan, and it's a family friendly atmosphere here in the UK. People get excited, they get sad, they get frustrated...but it's all in a safe context. You get everyone from tiny babies to elderly folk in their wheelchairs at games. I can go to a game as a solo female, not knowing who I'm sitting beside, but knowing I will be safe and have a good time.

Granted it's small fry here in the UK, but watching the NHL, you see fans of both teams intermingled. People enjoying the sport.

Conversely, I used to live near the football stadium and match days ranged from chaos to dangerous depending on who they're playing! People leave and piss in people's gardens, on their doorsteps, create merry hell, intimidate and harass...all in the name of sport.

If it's all making him so angry/miserable he ought to jack it all in and find something that makes him happy.

He would do my head in.

Tenter hooks.

Ice Hockey? The game that employs enforcers to fight in order to increase the excitement? Yeah, real family friendly lol

Agree, my SIL is passionate about her team and I won't lie, I get a bit embarrassed if there's a game on when we're out...she BELLOWS. Almost always the loudest in the room. But she's a lovely,warm lady and she has a great time.

EX who is also in2 football,and was very shouty and temperamental in a vast amount of ways, wasn't triggered by his team losing,just got sad. Always found that odd.

I’m going to avoid the discussion on football because it’s clear some people are horrified and offended other people think it’s just a game.

So I’m going to talk about chess.
Not speaking to him much because he is concentrating, I get. But being moody, shouty (?) if he is loosing? That would kick him out of any RL tournament. So would getting moody during the match and showing your annoyance.

Also, I agree with that
1- his anger/upset shouldn’t ‘overspill’ onto you. I’d be tempted to tell to go abd watch football somewhere else and come back when he wo t use you as an emotional punching bag. Same with chess btw.
2- yes, I agree that your childhood will make you more sensitive to his mood/shouting. (Same experience here) BUT it doesn’t mean you’re wrong to feel like that! His reaction isn’t ok. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshell around him when he ‘is having fun’.

I’ve never understood how people get so emotionally attached to football when as you say it has 0 impact on life, it’s literally a game.

Even the language they use like “we didn’t play well” feels wrong, as if they’re inserting themselves into it when again not only is it only a game, they’re only spectators and not in any way contributing to the success of the team.

I watched an interesting documentary on it once that explained it’s essentially how some people find purpose and connection. So given that, it might be that there’s something different he could do? Chess might be it, although if it is, sounds like he needs to work on some anger management issues.

But are you trying to understand how shit people around him/you/supporters feel when said supporters/the dh/you are screaming, getting angry, moody long after the match is finished?

i mean get as passionate as you want supporting your team. Just don’t make the life of people next to you a misery in the process.

And yes that means, in a pub with other fans? Yep whatever you want.
In a stadium? Same
At home, around your DW that doesn’t care and get triggered by your anger? Nope sorry. That's just shit. And I’m really not sure how anyone can defend that.

Very well spotted 😁 it is indeed!

I've been going to watch my team for 20 years, I can feel all the feelings during a game, walk out having a bit of a rant with other fans when it's gone badly, and then not have it make any difference to how I behave or treat anyone afterwards. Nobody should be taking anything out on the people around them, sport related or otherwise.

💯

I've said YANBU, but to be honest he is being normal as well.
My OH rarely swears - but oh my work the air turns blue when his team are losing or when a team he objects to is winning.
I just ignore him.

But we don't have children, I might feel differently then.

Fan (in a sports context) is short for fanatic. It’s repulsive that DV rates spike after England lose a big game.