It's another MIL one

[Itsnotallroses]

I'm going to try and keep this a brief as possible but there's a lot to pack in. I'll apologise in advance if I can't

I'll start off with that I always thought I had a goodish relationship with mil, when reading stories about how horrible they could be, I would think thank god it's not mine, she was far from perfect but we still got on.
But this all changed 2 years ago, unfortunately Bil died after a short battle with cancer, this hit the family quite hard, now at the time my priority was obviously supporting my dh through the loss of his best friend and my dc as obviously they were all struggling as it all happened so quickly (he died weeks after diagnosis)

While this was all going on we were also dealing with the aftermath of our oldest dc having cancer, they weren't long out of treatment and we still had a few hurdles to get through (thankfully we are currently in remission and doing well) so obviously we had a lot going on and in-between hospital appointments, supporting my grieving family and the normal day to day things, I didn't get to speak to the in-laws till roughly a week later, tho dh had spoken to them a couple of times but once I did get the chance to see them, they were off with me, at the time I put it down to grief but now it feels like it was just a sign of what was to come.

Fast forward to the wake (bil didn't have a conventional funeral only a celebration of life) the in laws turned up over an hour late, stayed for 30 minutes and then left, now obviously this really annoyed dh and also bil wife and dc, things had started to be pretty strained before all of this but they didn't come to speak to us once while they were they, they sat down in a corner had one drink and left. We had been talking to others and they went before we had a chance to go over to them.

I obviously put everything down to grief at the time and pushed dh to go round more often and check in on them, while I was dealing with everything else we were going through. I'd pop them a message to see how they were doing but never got a reply so stopped as I didn't see why I should put the effort in in they weren't.

Now in the 2 years since, the in laws had withdrawn from us even more, they don't check in on our dc, haven't onced come round or rang to see how everyone is.
I think what annoys me the most is that all dc have had bigish birthdays this year and they haven't bothered with any of them on the day, all they have had is a cheap (and I mean one of the free cards you get through the post from rspca, rnil type so they haven't even gone out and gotten them a card) through the post and they have been late, the last birthday card was nearly a week late, with a note saying sorry. Now if they lived far away and were older I would understand but they live 10 minutes down the road, in their 60s and use mobility scooter to go everywhere even though they can walk perfectly fine just don't want too.

And when it comes to dh birthday, they don't even bother anymore, the 1st birthday after bil death, they got him a whiskey decanter which was obviously from a chairty shop, the box was damaged and it was dusty as hell but they insisted they had brought it new from a shop and still saying this now, dh doesn't drink whiskey, never has, they then said it was in memory of bil but he again didn't drink whiskey so no idea what they were thinking. Now they don't even get him a card or send a message to say happy birthday. Where as they make a big deal of sil and other Bils birthdays

And I just now come christmas dc will get a tenner put in a cheap card, no thought process put into it. Where as our nieces will get everything they want and more from them even though they are a older then mine, as sil and nieces live with them and they have always spoilt them rotten, my dc have started noticing the difference in how they are treated from a young age and have no expectation anymore.

Now we have extended family coming down next week, this is the 1st time they will have been since the wake, were we all put on a bit of a front and put everything down to grief, but it's beyond that now, it has genuinely felt that for the last 2 years dh has been punished for not being the one who died, it's hard to explain but it's the little things they have said or done over the time.

How do we navigate this, I know they are going to want us all to go round to see them but I will not go, I've refused to have anything else to do with them for the last year and Dh has withdrawn completely in the last month, the last conversation with them was dh telling that unless they change their attitude towards us then he's done with them, he's not playing happy families with them just so they look good. We obviously want to see the extended family but without them, we don't want them bought into the drama but without telling them why, we are going to look like the bad guys to everyone as I just know the in-laws will spin everything in their favour, they are the grieving parents and dh is the horrible child punishing them even more, and that it's all my fault. I've seen how they have treated othere who have done nothing wrong but take a step back from them in the past.
Would we be unreasonable to tell them our side 1st, dh thinking about giving them a ring to explain everything and see if they will meet us separately while their here, or do we just suck it up go to the in-laws for an hour or even just make excuses and which means not see them at all.

Again I'm sorry for such a long post and thank you if you have gotten this far. We are just stuck about what to do

Is the bil who died their son?

Yes, dh is one of 4. 3 brothers and 1 sister, dh was the 2nd oldest

it has genuinely felt that for the last 2 years dh has been punished for not being the one who died

This is close to the basis of everything. Not necessarily punishing him, but grieving for a son so not being able to embrace the other. They are hurting, grieving and don’t know how to find their way through it. Could they/have they had any counselling?

So did their son die? Or is it their daughters husband?

Sorry, I tried to edit.
As pp have said they’re deep in grief. It’s not fair, but I’d not “poke the bear”, keep communications open and hope time heals.

Sorry cross post. I’m not sure I’d phone extended family and tell them ‘your side’, but I don’t think it’d hurt to phone and say you don’t really speak to them anymore so can you meet separately.

Also if your DH does decide to go then you really should too, he deserves your support so don’t make it more difficult for him.

Op clearly said just 1 posts up he was their ds..
Dear me.

It was obviously a cross post, not deliberate.

Firstly I'm sorry about your BIL, and your DC's struggles - I hope the DC is still doing well now.

Re. the imminent visit, I would contact whoever it is directly and just ask to make separate arrangements. I wouldn't feed any drama by giving them information they don't need to know.

Re. the ongoing situation with PILs, again I would try my best not to fan the flames of conflict, mostly because from your POV there isn't any conflict - there's just a tragic bereavement and then your PILs acting weird. Stop expecting anything from them and focus on your other family members.

Coach your kids in simple ways if they ask - you've done nothing wrong. We can't control how other people treat us. All we can control is how much effort we give back. Maybe some counselling would help your DH if he hasn't already had any - losing his brother and then effectively his parents too will take a huge toll.

I'm sorry this is happening. You'd think they would want to keep their remaining family close. All you can do really is rise above it.

They’ve lost a child. I think that this is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to someone. I would encourage you to hang in there, not make this a battle for attention and support your DH.

I've said it feels like dh is being punished because that genuinely what it feels like.
He wasn't ever been the favourite child, even a child it was obviously, mil has openly said she struggled to bond with him as she wanted a daughter after having a son.

Our relationship has rapidly changed after the death of bil but it was still strained before that especially while dc was going through treatment for cancer, they hardly checked in on our, didn't come visit and even refused to watch our younger 2 because they had the neices

Are the extended family just coming for a day visit or staying a while?

I'm genuinely not trying to make this a battle for attention.
Trust me I know what its like to lose a child (ours was during pregnancy) but I would never ever take it out on the rest of dc, in fact it made my bond with stronger. I know they say grief is different for everyone but this goes beyond that

What an incredibly stressful situation all round. I am sorry for the loss of your BIL and your own hell on earth of having a child with cancer. Your Dh should contact whoever the extended family are, explain that there is friction and he doesn't want to be put in the position of pretending everything is okay.

Of course they will ask what is going on and this is his chance to put across his side, keep it factual and brief. Mention the wake, the lateness, the leaving, understanding they are grieving, the lack of kindness to your family afterwards etc and the contrast of SIL's family. I would also remind them that at the time of BIL's cancer diagnosis your family was also dealing with cancer of a child.

Yes your ILs will obviously put their side across so get yours out first. This is a great opportunity that could mean they act as a middle man to potentially heal this rift somewhat.

They are down for the weekend, arrive late Friday, leave midday Monday. So only leave Saturday and Sunday really

I think you all having a lot to deal with, with the cancer treatment and bereavement, hasn't helped at all.

And I know bereaved parents can be extremely difficult to deal with after a sibling death; it can absolutely bring out the worst in people.

It does sound like they might have been expected to have been centered a bit more - speaking to them sooner after BIL died, speaking to them straight away at the wake.

I think it'd be helpful for your DH and possibly your kids to talk things through with a counsellor.

If PIL will go to a counsellor too, great.

What did they say when DH said he'd had enough?

I think it'd be best for DH to speak to the relatives and agree to meet separately if possible. This saves them only hearing PIL's side.

The presents for the nieces thing - I know this sucks, but you can't say anything about it or it will make things worse.

Contact the visiting relatives and make your own separate arrangements with them. Invite them to yours for afternoon tea and cake or whatever. No need to elaborate.

I'm usually one for trying to mend bridges but in this case I think I'd move.

They were odd and difficult towards your family before dealing with their loss. They're just going to get more entrenched as they get older. Even the mobility scooter thing is really odd. I think you can be honest with the extended family. It probably won't come as much of a surprise. They'll know that they're peculiar.

I’d not go into details but I would suggest meeting up separately. Maintain a dignified silence about the reasons unless directly asked.

Call them and explain you think it’s going to be difficult for you all to get to MILs that weekend (make up a reason, kids in and out doing xyz etc..) but you’d love to see them, so could they pop into to yours at some point for a catch-up?

There’s no need to share your dirty laundry with the extended family. It’s none of their business and may one day blow over 🤞

I didn't get to speak to the in-laws till roughly a week later, tho dh had spoken to them a couple of times but once I did get the chance to see them, they were off with me, at the time I put it down to grief but now it feels like it was just a sign of what was to come.

Fast forward to the wake (bil didn't have a conventional funeral only a celebration of life) the in laws turned up over an hour late, stayed for 30 minutes and then left, now obviously this really annoyed dh and also bil wife and dc, things had started to be pretty strained before all of this but they didn't come to speak to us once while they were they, they sat down in a corner had one drink and left. We had been talking to others and they went before we had a chance to go over to them.

I think you need to be careful OP, in the absence of facts you seem to have created your completely own narrative for why they suddenly became distant, which you are convinced is what has happened.. and now you are holding that against them, it's dangerous to do that, and the fact that you are going to 'give your side' to the other relatives, without even KNOWING the PIL 'side' says quite a lot about your arrogance IMO.

From an outside perspective it sounds like you both distanced yourselves from them at a time when they were going through something hideous, they are obviously very upset with you both around the circumstances of BIL death, you didn't bother to contact them till a week after he died, you say you had a good relationship with MIL but I can't imagine not contacting my PIL if one of DHs sibling was dying or had died??

It doesn't sound like they were on board with the wake, was it organised by yourselves by any chance? They came in late, no one greeted them and they sat in a corner where no one approached them? just fucking weird to be honest, and sounds like the final straw.

Unless you are prepared to have a proper sit down with them and be prepared to genuinely listen to their perspective then I'd just leave it entirely, stop making things up and stop trying to get people 'on your side' as it is just adding insult to injury.

The reason I didn't speak to them sooner after bil death was the fact I was in hospital with dc watching them fight for their life because they had a chest infection and the chemo meant they had no immune system to fight it, she was in hdu for 3 days, they only person I spoke to in that time outside of hospital staff (who can I say were absolutely amazing throughout) was my husband, and it was mainly texts because signal was so bad
I genuinely didn't ignore them on purpose but my mind was on autopilot, I was hardly functioning as a person myself, all while having to deal with everything else going on.
While I know the in-laws were struggling they didn't once phone dh to see how dc was. The only people who stood up and helped my dh was my mum and best friend who both dropped everything to make sure he was ok and that our other dc were taken care off

Ive explained in a previous post why I couldn't contact them and that's because of dc being in hospital.
I messaged them but didn't get a reply and also try to make sure dh saw and spoke to them.
We didn't organise the wake, bil wife did that and it was done to his wishes, it was done exactly how he wanted it done so was nothing to do with us, we arrived early to help set things up and stayed till after it finished. We were talking to relatives that we hadn't seen in years when pil walked in, we genuinely were going to go over to them once we had finished, but i had to dc meds out (which was a simple 5 minute job as they had multiple ones including an injection) and obviously other people came over to talk to us during that point, once I was done and went to go to them, they had already left so what was i supposed to do

I can’t imagine losing a child. We have three but I can’t imagine finding my way to care about anything else if I were to lose one of them.

I know that your husband has lost his brother and that the family should support each other but, how?

Two years is nothing in terms of grief, particularly for the loss of a child. It goes against the very laws of nature.

I see that your child has also had his battles with his health and, as hard as it is, it’s retraumatising them. They don’t have the strength to hear about your son’s battles, they’re far too deep to deal with anything but surviving the day.