It's another MIL one

[Itsnotallroses]

I'm going to try and keep this a brief as possible but there's a lot to pack in. I'll apologise in advance if I can't

I'll start off with that I always thought I had a goodish relationship with mil, when reading stories about how horrible they could be, I would think thank god it's not mine, she was far from perfect but we still got on.
But this all changed 2 years ago, unfortunately Bil died after a short battle with cancer, this hit the family quite hard, now at the time my priority was obviously supporting my dh through the loss of his best friend and my dc as obviously they were all struggling as it all happened so quickly (he died weeks after diagnosis)

While this was all going on we were also dealing with the aftermath of our oldest dc having cancer, they weren't long out of treatment and we still had a few hurdles to get through (thankfully we are currently in remission and doing well) so obviously we had a lot going on and in-between hospital appointments, supporting my grieving family and the normal day to day things, I didn't get to speak to the in-laws till roughly a week later, tho dh had spoken to them a couple of times but once I did get the chance to see them, they were off with me, at the time I put it down to grief but now it feels like it was just a sign of what was to come.

Fast forward to the wake (bil didn't have a conventional funeral only a celebration of life) the in laws turned up over an hour late, stayed for 30 minutes and then left, now obviously this really annoyed dh and also bil wife and dc, things had started to be pretty strained before all of this but they didn't come to speak to us once while they were they, they sat down in a corner had one drink and left. We had been talking to others and they went before we had a chance to go over to them.

I obviously put everything down to grief at the time and pushed dh to go round more often and check in on them, while I was dealing with everything else we were going through. I'd pop them a message to see how they were doing but never got a reply so stopped as I didn't see why I should put the effort in in they weren't.

Now in the 2 years since, the in laws had withdrawn from us even more, they don't check in on our dc, haven't onced come round or rang to see how everyone is.
I think what annoys me the most is that all dc have had bigish birthdays this year and they haven't bothered with any of them on the day, all they have had is a cheap (and I mean one of the free cards you get through the post from rspca, rnil type so they haven't even gone out and gotten them a card) through the post and they have been late, the last birthday card was nearly a week late, with a note saying sorry. Now if they lived far away and were older I would understand but they live 10 minutes down the road, in their 60s and use mobility scooter to go everywhere even though they can walk perfectly fine just don't want too.

And when it comes to dh birthday, they don't even bother anymore, the 1st birthday after bil death, they got him a whiskey decanter which was obviously from a chairty shop, the box was damaged and it was dusty as hell but they insisted they had brought it new from a shop and still saying this now, dh doesn't drink whiskey, never has, they then said it was in memory of bil but he again didn't drink whiskey so no idea what they were thinking. Now they don't even get him a card or send a message to say happy birthday. Where as they make a big deal of sil and other Bils birthdays

And I just now come christmas dc will get a tenner put in a cheap card, no thought process put into it. Where as our nieces will get everything they want and more from them even though they are a older then mine, as sil and nieces live with them and they have always spoilt them rotten, my dc have started noticing the difference in how they are treated from a young age and have no expectation anymore.

Now we have extended family coming down next week, this is the 1st time they will have been since the wake, were we all put on a bit of a front and put everything down to grief, but it's beyond that now, it has genuinely felt that for the last 2 years dh has been punished for not being the one who died, it's hard to explain but it's the little things they have said or done over the time.

How do we navigate this, I know they are going to want us all to go round to see them but I will not go, I've refused to have anything else to do with them for the last year and Dh has withdrawn completely in the last month, the last conversation with them was dh telling that unless they change their attitude towards us then he's done with them, he's not playing happy families with them just so they look good. We obviously want to see the extended family but without them, we don't want them bought into the drama but without telling them why, we are going to look like the bad guys to everyone as I just know the in-laws will spin everything in their favour, they are the grieving parents and dh is the horrible child punishing them even more, and that it's all my fault. I've seen how they have treated othere who have done nothing wrong but take a step back from them in the past.
Would we be unreasonable to tell them our side 1st, dh thinking about giving them a ring to explain everything and see if they will meet us separately while their here, or do we just suck it up go to the in-laws for an hour or even just make excuses and which means not see them at all.

Again I'm sorry for such a long post and thank you if you have gotten this far. We are just stuck about what to do

I am sorry OP, what a difficult time of it you all have had, really hard going.

As for the in-laws, well, to be honest everyone has made mistakes. They made mistakes by not stepping up when your little one was diagnosed with cancer, and they have made mistakes for not understanding that when their son died, you were caring for your very poorly child - something any mother would prioritise. I presume your husband was in touch with his parents at the time so it's not like they were ignored?

It's a shame that time seems to have made things worse and grief has come out as them being bad to you and your family. They have gone through something terrible but to be honest, that's no excuse to take it out on others but of course it sadly happens too often.

Any chance can sit down and clear the air? Perhaps some apologies from both sides may be fruitful moving forward.

There is a need, or the PILs may turn up with them.

OP their behaviour is indefensible and people saying 'grieving parents, cut them some slack' are in denial. This is toxic behaviour.

I think there a few things to deal with seperately.
Yes they are grieving and that is awful. They deserve support from friends and family - but it doesn’t mean they can treat people badly. You can excuse some snapping/not replying to messages but 2 years later, the effect they’re having isn’t fair.

Your DH has lost a brother and it’s impacting his relationship with his parents. It’s up to him how he navigates that but whatever decision he makes, give him your support. That may be to minimise contact, to stop it or to pretend all is fine.

Separately to that, it seems your ILs have always treated your dc differently to other grandchildren. As their parent it’s your job to both protect them from it and support how they feel about it.
Personally I’d have no issues just saying that until grandchildren can be treated fairly, dc will be kept away as they’re starting to notice (I say this as someone who was not a favoured grandchild and who was forced to endure visits etc with a grandmother who didn’t like me much until I was a teen and I absolutely refused to see her and in a fit of temper when she made a horrible comment about me, made no bones about telling her why and it caused a very very big family fall out).

For extended family, just invite them to yours/to meet you separately. I wouldn’t suck up a visit or put a face on. You have enough to deal with as it is.

Don't understand why this is framed as a MIL problem when it's both your MIL and FIL

This post is very self centred. They were late to the wake, so? They left after 30 minutes, it was probably very hard for them. I would assume they're devastated and wanted to go home, not think about them not staying to chat to me.

And then several paragraphs about birthdays and cards and Christmas presents? Who cares!? They have lost their son, they're not handling it perfectly.

If your post was about your husband and children being sad their parents/grandparents are distant from them since their other son died, that would be completely reasonable, but you're focusing on all the wrong things.

They are grieving, no parent should have to outlive a child, and it must be horrific.

Your husband and family probably remind them of what has been lost. And by the sound of it they don’t even seem to like leaving their home so maybe that’s why they haven’t been up for getting good gifts.

Mobility scooters…you’ve barely spoken to them for the last 2 years so how would you know they aren’t in pain when walking, not all disabilities are visible and you can’t see a persons pain.

You had other things going on, your DC needing treatment and had your husband to support, what did they have during that time? Isn’t it possible that they’re still working through things, may have needed you but didn’t feel they could reach out because of what you were struggling with yourself as they didn’t want to put more onto you.

Grief has no timeline. When my dad died I didn’t shed a tear even though I absolutely loved him and we had a good relationship, when my husband lost his mum it took 2 years before he had a breakdown and needed counselling. People grieve differently, let them grieve how they need to.

Has your dh asked why they're behaving this way? I don't think it's U you didn't contact them immediately after with what you were going through yourself, your dh did?

They're grieving and angry and this is an outlet for it. Sounds like they don't know what else to do with their feelings other than direct it at petty grievances. It isn't fair to you, but I think you should just give them space and hope they come through it. I would explain to the visiting relatives that relations are strained and it would be best to meet separately, but not give any more information.

When my cousin died suddenly my aunt's world became so much smaller. She didn't want to go to shops or catch buses or go to the GP as she would get people either avoiding her or asking after her wellbeing. She wasn't ready for either of those things. Could the cards have been ones they had lying around the house and the whisky a re-gift because it is easier than going out and facing people?

Maybe read the whole thread before you go off on one.
I'm so sorry that being there for my own dc who could have also died was more of a priority, the day bil died I hadn't slept in 3 days and was also having conversations with Dr's about what would happen if dd didn't start responding to treatment they were giving her, including transferring her to a hospital over 200 miles away for more specialist treatment.

So it's ok for pil to spoil their other grandchildren and take them on holiday literally weeks after bil death and again at Christmas (neither of which was booked before his death) and make sure they get everything they want for birthdays but its not ok for me to want them to actually buy my dc a card, I'll make sure I bare that in mind in future 🙄.
Dh present was obviously from a chairty shop not a supermarket, what supermarket sells whiskey decanters plus the state of the box, which was ripped and dirty. But sil who's birthday is just after dh gets a weekend away because she's stressed, the same sil who lives at home, doesn't work or pay any bills and is constantly going out because pil have always looked after her children.

Yeah because I'm so privileged aren't i.
Maybe once you watch your child fight for the life on more then one occasion you will actually understand.

Unfortunately, @Itsnotallroses deaths do really weird things to people. In my case, my BiL stopped talking to me just before my sister died. We were the only two siblings left and talked several times a week on the phone and had coffee each Sunday. No one seems to know why, I have spoken to his children who were somewhat shocked by his behaviour. When she died, he did not involve me in the funeral whatsoever and I only found out the date three days before the funeral, pictures that were displayed were not of her as a child but an elder sister who died at the age of three. When I left the Wake, he had to be shamed to say goodbye to me by his son as I thanked him for making my sister so happy. I have only spoken to him once in the last 9 years, when I discovered that the last of our aunts had died, I rang to make sure he was aware... he said, "I know," and put down the phone. I still do not know why he became like this but know my sister will raise Cain when she sees him.

If it were me, I would pick the biggest family gossip who is coming and ask them for advice about what you should do... and then watch it all unravel, but then I am probably not as nice as you.

Maybe read the reason why op didn't ring. A child dealing with cancer takes precedence over grown adults even grieving ones. If you can't see that you need help.

Just answer a few points that have been put across.

1st the why I mentioned the birthday card thing, well how would you feel if your parents gave your child a crappie card that they got for free for the 18th and 16th birthday, but created a massive fuss over your nieces 21st and 18th, with balloons, banners, a massive personalised card, especially when they live a 2 minute walk away from several card shops.

The mobility scooter thing, fair enough I don't know what their health is right now, but they have been using them for years and they had absolutely nothing wrong when they 1st started using them, it was because the supermarket was up a hill and they couldn't be bothered to walk there and back and apparently it was a waste of money to get a taxi once a week, so they spent 1000s on 2 scooters instead so they could go daily.

Dh was the 1st one to bring up their behaviour, I kept quite as knew people grieve differently and didn't want to put any pressure on the situation, he's the one who has said until they can treat their grandchildren all the same then he doesn't want anything to do with them.

Dh was the one who brought up the fact he feels like he's being punished for still being here while bil isn't, bil was the oldest and was fil favourite as he followed in his footsteps, sil is the golden child and can never do anything wrong, even though at she at points has had all her children taken away from her, hence why they all live with pil. Middle bil had a strained relationship with them all till the last year or so after he spilt with his wife and it seems to be improving, so not sure what's going on there.

The celebration of life was done by bils wife, she tried to include pil but they never responded to messages or would say they couldn't talk when she rang. All she was trying to do was follow her husband final wishes, which everyone else supported her in doing

The pil also go out a lot, and I mean a lot. They go to pub regularly, they go on holiday at least 3 times at year, probably more nowadays. They go to the shops daily but for some reason can pop up the road to see us and have always expected us to take the dc to them, even though we don't drive and it's a half an hour walk up hill, this was even when dc were tiny.

And no even if dh does decide to go, i will not be going as I'm finally done with us all being treated like the black sheep, we can easily just say I'm working so can't make, dc will make their own mind up as they are old enough too.
And if we do ring them before they come down, we won't tell them exactly what's been happening, just that it's been a bit strained because of past happening but we would love to see them separately if they have time

The celebration of life was done by bils wife, she tried to include pil but they never responded to messages or would say they couldn't talk when she rang. All she was trying to do was follow her husband final wishes, which everyone else supported her in doing.

It's a them problem. You're not the only one finding them weird. Everyone at the celebration will have noticed. The extended family won't be at all surprised that there's a rift. There's no need to cover for them.

Gently, your child having cancer doesn’t trump their grief at losing a child, OP. Everyone involved has had a gut-wrenchingly awful few years and you’re projecting onto them — and maybe they are onto you, too?

I have no dog in this fight. I’m just wondering why you’re singling out your mother-in-law and not your father-in-law.?

They're making a big fuss of their grandchildren who's dad is dead. I'm sure they'd prefer to have their dad back rather than balloons.

Gently, your child having cancer doesn’t trump their grief at losing a child

For OP, her own child is going to be her priority and for the MIL it's obviously her son.

I don't think OP is suggesting it would be otherwise.

No their not, the grandchildren in question belong to the sil, who lives with them, not the bil who died.
Bil only had one child who is younger, from what I have heard from bil widow they don't have anything to do with them either apart from birthday and Christmas cards, which again are sent through the post even though they live in the same town

I never said it did, but at the time i had to make a choice and obviously I chose my dd

So then she needs to understand that the ultimate nightmare she feared has happened to her PIL. And that people don’t always grieve in ways we approve of.

I’m not suggesting you should have done otherwise — just recognise your PIL are grieving. They’re not grieving in a way you think is appropriate.

Because she's in charge if you get what I mean, it's kinda always been her way or the highway. Fil just goes with the flow and he's old school in his way, so anything to do with the grandkids is down to mil, so she would be the one sorting and buying gifts etc.
So while fil doesn't come up smelling of roses in all of this, he also probably doesn't actually know how things have gone down

Oh ok, I'm sorry. I felt that my grandparents preferred my cousins who are their daughters children vs us (their sons children). I think that's a common thing, not that it's right.

Tbh I would just lower my expectations right down, follow your husbands lead, don't worry too much about the gifts and cards, you can't change them

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time here, OP.

As it's your husband's family, I would let him make the decision of how to approach them. If he wants to stop pretending that everything's fine, however, I would fully support that. I don't see any problem with having a discussion with other close family members about the situation, though I wouldn't expect wholehearted support from them. They may not feel or see it all the same way you do, but that doesn't mean your husband shouldn't feel comfortable telling them his side of things or try to arrange a gathering with just those people he wants to spend time with this year.

I'd also be prepared for his parents' possible reaction to the news if he decides not to see them for christmas, anything from completely ignoring him to a dramatic confrontation.

I think most people understand that losing a child at any age is traumatic, but that doesn't excuse someone from poor behaviour toward surviving members of the family.

@Itsnotallroses you have done nothing wrong except try to support your DH and protect your children. You are doing the right thing and should pull back along with your children. PIL have shown you all how self centred they are. They didn't stay around to support their son's family and have almost abandoned his widow and grandchild from that relationship. That's cruel and has nothing to do with their grief.
Your children are noticing how differently they are bring treated compared to their cousins. Don't let that continue. What an insult to your husband to buy him a cheap decanter and to justify it by saying it was in memory of his brother, neither of whom drank or enjoyed spirits. That behaviour shows MIL to be a particularly nasty and vindictive person. Continue to support your DH and your children. Encourage him to enjoy the lovely family you havenbuilt together.