It's another MIL one

[Itsnotallroses]

I'm going to try and keep this a brief as possible but there's a lot to pack in. I'll apologise in advance if I can't

I'll start off with that I always thought I had a goodish relationship with mil, when reading stories about how horrible they could be, I would think thank god it's not mine, she was far from perfect but we still got on.
But this all changed 2 years ago, unfortunately Bil died after a short battle with cancer, this hit the family quite hard, now at the time my priority was obviously supporting my dh through the loss of his best friend and my dc as obviously they were all struggling as it all happened so quickly (he died weeks after diagnosis)

While this was all going on we were also dealing with the aftermath of our oldest dc having cancer, they weren't long out of treatment and we still had a few hurdles to get through (thankfully we are currently in remission and doing well) so obviously we had a lot going on and in-between hospital appointments, supporting my grieving family and the normal day to day things, I didn't get to speak to the in-laws till roughly a week later, tho dh had spoken to them a couple of times but once I did get the chance to see them, they were off with me, at the time I put it down to grief but now it feels like it was just a sign of what was to come.

Fast forward to the wake (bil didn't have a conventional funeral only a celebration of life) the in laws turned up over an hour late, stayed for 30 minutes and then left, now obviously this really annoyed dh and also bil wife and dc, things had started to be pretty strained before all of this but they didn't come to speak to us once while they were they, they sat down in a corner had one drink and left. We had been talking to others and they went before we had a chance to go over to them.

I obviously put everything down to grief at the time and pushed dh to go round more often and check in on them, while I was dealing with everything else we were going through. I'd pop them a message to see how they were doing but never got a reply so stopped as I didn't see why I should put the effort in in they weren't.

Now in the 2 years since, the in laws had withdrawn from us even more, they don't check in on our dc, haven't onced come round or rang to see how everyone is.
I think what annoys me the most is that all dc have had bigish birthdays this year and they haven't bothered with any of them on the day, all they have had is a cheap (and I mean one of the free cards you get through the post from rspca, rnil type so they haven't even gone out and gotten them a card) through the post and they have been late, the last birthday card was nearly a week late, with a note saying sorry. Now if they lived far away and were older I would understand but they live 10 minutes down the road, in their 60s and use mobility scooter to go everywhere even though they can walk perfectly fine just don't want too.

And when it comes to dh birthday, they don't even bother anymore, the 1st birthday after bil death, they got him a whiskey decanter which was obviously from a chairty shop, the box was damaged and it was dusty as hell but they insisted they had brought it new from a shop and still saying this now, dh doesn't drink whiskey, never has, they then said it was in memory of bil but he again didn't drink whiskey so no idea what they were thinking. Now they don't even get him a card or send a message to say happy birthday. Where as they make a big deal of sil and other Bils birthdays

And I just now come christmas dc will get a tenner put in a cheap card, no thought process put into it. Where as our nieces will get everything they want and more from them even though they are a older then mine, as sil and nieces live with them and they have always spoilt them rotten, my dc have started noticing the difference in how they are treated from a young age and have no expectation anymore.

Now we have extended family coming down next week, this is the 1st time they will have been since the wake, were we all put on a bit of a front and put everything down to grief, but it's beyond that now, it has genuinely felt that for the last 2 years dh has been punished for not being the one who died, it's hard to explain but it's the little things they have said or done over the time.

How do we navigate this, I know they are going to want us all to go round to see them but I will not go, I've refused to have anything else to do with them for the last year and Dh has withdrawn completely in the last month, the last conversation with them was dh telling that unless they change their attitude towards us then he's done with them, he's not playing happy families with them just so they look good. We obviously want to see the extended family but without them, we don't want them bought into the drama but without telling them why, we are going to look like the bad guys to everyone as I just know the in-laws will spin everything in their favour, they are the grieving parents and dh is the horrible child punishing them even more, and that it's all my fault. I've seen how they have treated othere who have done nothing wrong but take a step back from them in the past.
Would we be unreasonable to tell them our side 1st, dh thinking about giving them a ring to explain everything and see if they will meet us separately while their here, or do we just suck it up go to the in-laws for an hour or even just make excuses and which means not see them at all.

Again I'm sorry for such a long post and thank you if you have gotten this far. We are just stuck about what to do

I would prioritise your DH's siblings and his deceased brother's wife. Unfortunately if you/DH stir the pot, you risk annoying or upsetting those people, not than his parents. So I'd advise thinking very carefully about what you want the outcome of any action you take, to be.

Personally I'd just go along to the event and focus my attention solely on the rest of them, while just being polite to the PILsv even you greet them, etc.

I totally get why you don't want to do that, but again, what do you want the relationship to be with the rest of the family, going forward? DH's SIL is also someone you need to have consideration for. Will she appreciate a lot of ill-will going on around her at this event?

Gently is doing some heavy lifting in this sentence.

I am sorry they have lost their son. If they were that deep in grief that everyone was copping for poor behaviour then you could take a step back and let them come round.
But the fact is they are being very selective about who they are treating like shit.
I am sorry but I don’t think there is any excuse for it.
OP had her own child, who is an actual child, very, very seriously ill. It appears that merits no empathy at all.
I think it’s about control. They are concentrating resources on people they can control that is the adult and children who live with them.
Sending shitty free cards to some grandchildren and spoiling others when none of these kids are involved in any kind of family politics is awful.
I think now I’m close to the age of these parents I do view these behaviours differently. As in I see it more clearly. I see people my age genuinely heartbroken and others who are in grief but use it as a weapon.
You would think this couple would want to hold close the three children and grandchildren they do have.
But no.
Just because they’ve lost someone they love it doesn’t make them lovely people.
I would stay well clear, look after your DH your own kids and others in the family you are close to and leave it there.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope your DC is ok after their medical needs.

Ultimately DH has to either ask them why they are doing that, or walk away. Does he have a therapist he could talk to? That might made things easier?

Did they go cold on all their children or just him? It must be truly horrible for one of your DC to die, grief does funny things to people.

"Would we be unreasonable to tell them our side 1st, dh thinking about giving them a ring to explain everything and see if they will meet us separately while their here,"

This is exactly what I was going to suggest you do. Sorry, but your husband's parents are what they are and they're not going to change; so it would be best if you establish independent lines of communication with the wider family rather than going via them IYSWIM.

To be honest, reading all your updates - this is who they have always been, they're just being a bit more blatant. I'm actually wondering if DH's older brother kept them in check in some way, and now he's gone there's nothing holding them back, as it were. So less that they're grieving, more that they're fully expressing themselves.

I'd be stepping back from them too. I cut people a lot of slack in times of grief, but I'm unconvinced that's at the root of their behaviour.

You didn't contact them after their son died ? Wow

From what you've written, it sounds as if they are upset you didn't acknowledge the death of their son soon enough, and that maybe your subsequent text wasn't enough, it should have been in person.
You've explained the reasons why you didn't speak to them sooner, but I suspect that in their mind their loss trumps everything else. It sounds as if the relationship between you wasn't great before this tragedy.
I think in the circumstances that you still have your children, but they are hugely feeling the loss of their son, it would be nice if you could find a way forward to include them. It sounds as if they are suffering from depression in terms of the low effort they make for your DC.
My friend lost her older brother when she was a teenager, and her parents , especially her mother, were unable to function properly for years - I'd say as an outside observer it took her mum 10 years to get over it, inasmuch as you ever can get over the loss of a child. They were unable to comfort her or her surviving sibling, or to perform more than the most basic tasks. Grief does weird things to you. They were able to step up in later life, but as I say, it took years before they showed an interest in anything.

I'd contact your extended family and try to arrange to meet them separately. Maintain as much of a dignified silence as you can regarding why it won't be possible to come over. Try not to lie or let PiL off the hook but don't create drama that can be repeated to PiL. If its not possible try to arrange for them to come another time to see you or try to go to see them instead. Try not to let yourselves be frozen out of wider family relationships (except maybe SiL who lives with them). Accept PiL are the way they are and leave them to it with low contact. I wouldn't push DH and DC to have a relationship with them if they are not treated well. You are not doing them a favour. It sounds like things got much worse after BiL death, but there were problems beforehand too. PiL must be devastated with the death of BiL but it is NOT your DH's fault or his childrens and they don't deserve to suffer for it.

I wouldn't worry about gifts and cards.
You cannot change the type of parents that play favourites.
I would step away completely and let your husband manage his toxic relationship with his parents.
As a family you have been through so much.
I wouldn't bother my arse expending precious energy on your inlaws and their favoritism.
Focus on your own family life.

Sorry to miss the point of your post but nobody uses a mobility scooter unless they genuinely need it! Not only are they an absolute mint to buy but are a pain in the arse in shops, people stand in front of you as if you aren’t there, you can’t take them on (most) buses nor trains and you constantly get stuck in inaccessible shops! Not only that but it can be embarrassing at any age, sadly. So that comment you made was appalling… Every user of a mobility scooter can walk to some degree - they’re not wheelchairs! We just cannot walk long distances without pain & stiffness. If we couldn’t walk at all, we’d be in electric wheelchairs!

Maybe read the whole thread to see why i couldn't speak to them straight away.
I know I probably should have put it the original post but dealing with my dd who was fighting for her own life at the same time was more of a priority at the time and dh was also constantly going round to see them while also dealing with his own grief and coping with the situation with our daughter and trying to look after our other 2 children

Wow you really missed the whole point of the thread.
You do not know my pil and how they are. I know for a fact that when they brought the scooters it was not because of their mobility. They bragged about how much they spent on them and it will be so much easier then relying on a taxi to go the shop. They can walk absolutely fine, they leave the scooter outside the shops as they don't need them, there was nothing wrong with them apart from laziness at the time of purchase, proven by the fact that sil and niece who is 22 will use them too, just to pop the shop to get milk, it takes them longer to get the scooters out of the house then it would walk to town center to get milk but they are more then capable to walk to the pub and back which takes longer

Agree with this. I should think that your relationship with them is broken for good.

This. All day.

This post really doesn't do you any favours.

Again try reading my updates on why I couldn't speak to them

O well, I've dealt with them for over 20 years, I think i know them well to know if their lazy or not

The fact of the matter is they've always played favourites and the death has only made it worse. They won't change. Prioritise your DC and the relationship with your DHs brother and SIL to deceased brother.

I have.

Some people are like this Op, my PIL don’t bother with our DS either. I’d just move on, let DH have a relationship if he wants to.

sorry people are being idiots on this thread. Clearly never had anything stressful happen to them like having a child with cancer. Ignore them, don’t even bother with a response.

I don't think dh wants a relationship with them anymore, there's a lot more they have done in the last few years that I haven't mentioned because others would still make excuses for them, even before bil passed.
I give up I tried my best with them for over 20 years, kept them in dc lives for a lot longer then we probably should have just because they were their grandparents, yes the relationship completely broke down after the bil but I genuinely think all that did was speed it up, maybe a pervious reply was right in that bil kept them in check more and we didn't realise.
Dh is gonna message the family and say we can't make it to pil because of other commitments but we would happily meet at another time over the weekend for a few drinks or something else.
And dh is going to speak to his parents at some point before they come down and tell them that it's up to them what they say to them but we aren't going sugar coat for them and from now on the only contact he will have with them is for emergency only, he's not taking the blame anymore for something they have created

Honestly op Yoh are the one to blame. I was in the middle of advanced cancer , my husband in itu and my son also in hospital, I still managed to reach out to a friend who was going through a difficult time.

You seem very self absorbed

That is not a nice response and it is insensitive and lacking compassion. Not everyone can be as generous as you.
@Itsnotallroses has explained over many posts the dynamics between PIL and the rest of the family. PIL, who spent half an hour at their son's wake and have pretty much abandoned his widow and child, their granddaughter.
PIL who shows no concern or care for their other grandchildren outside of the 2 golden granddaughters who.live with them.

So what I wrote before rings true with your updates, basically you don't really like them (and haven't for a long time) and they don't seem to really like you, BIL dying was the pin that was pulled on whatever was holding you together as a 'family'. For whatever reason, they decided at that point that they were done, and you had already dropped the rope by then anyway.

I do think you were wrong for not contacting them for a week, I understand what you have put but IMO you were wrong to treat it like something on a to do list that you never got round to, you also had to 'make sure' your dh contacted them too.. it says everything about how you both view your relationship with them and it made it clear that they were a tick box.

I don't think this is a clear cut case of who is in the wrong or right, but there is obviously no love lost and there is nothing like the death of a loved one to make you realise that you shouldn't have to tolerate people you don't really like.. same for you I imagine after everything you've been through.

Unfortunately it's the kids that are the ones I feel for here, but at the end of the day if neither of you aren't bothered about cultivating a relationship with them, even for your kids sake.. then they will take their decent cards/presents and holidays and gift them elsewhere.. they don't owe you anything.

Don't play the victim though, you clearly don't want to do all the arse kissing that the others do, so it's no use complaining that you aren't treated the same.. you should turn it into a positive, not a negative, being the black sheep has it's perks, you can live a life free from resentment if you just let it go.

I hope your BIL's widow has not been forgotten by your family, even if PIL have decided to ignore them also. The BIL that split from his wife? Do they have any children?

Sounds like your PIL have decided to take the pain of their son's death out on your DH and your family. I don't blame your DH for deciding his family (you and his chidren) deserve better than the treatment you all are getting.

It sounds like you and yours have had quite a rough few years. I hope that things are better and your family has a wonderful future.