It's another MIL one

[Itsnotallroses]

I'm going to try and keep this a brief as possible but there's a lot to pack in. I'll apologise in advance if I can't

I'll start off with that I always thought I had a goodish relationship with mil, when reading stories about how horrible they could be, I would think thank god it's not mine, she was far from perfect but we still got on.
But this all changed 2 years ago, unfortunately Bil died after a short battle with cancer, this hit the family quite hard, now at the time my priority was obviously supporting my dh through the loss of his best friend and my dc as obviously they were all struggling as it all happened so quickly (he died weeks after diagnosis)

While this was all going on we were also dealing with the aftermath of our oldest dc having cancer, they weren't long out of treatment and we still had a few hurdles to get through (thankfully we are currently in remission and doing well) so obviously we had a lot going on and in-between hospital appointments, supporting my grieving family and the normal day to day things, I didn't get to speak to the in-laws till roughly a week later, tho dh had spoken to them a couple of times but once I did get the chance to see them, they were off with me, at the time I put it down to grief but now it feels like it was just a sign of what was to come.

Fast forward to the wake (bil didn't have a conventional funeral only a celebration of life) the in laws turned up over an hour late, stayed for 30 minutes and then left, now obviously this really annoyed dh and also bil wife and dc, things had started to be pretty strained before all of this but they didn't come to speak to us once while they were they, they sat down in a corner had one drink and left. We had been talking to others and they went before we had a chance to go over to them.

I obviously put everything down to grief at the time and pushed dh to go round more often and check in on them, while I was dealing with everything else we were going through. I'd pop them a message to see how they were doing but never got a reply so stopped as I didn't see why I should put the effort in in they weren't.

Now in the 2 years since, the in laws had withdrawn from us even more, they don't check in on our dc, haven't onced come round or rang to see how everyone is.
I think what annoys me the most is that all dc have had bigish birthdays this year and they haven't bothered with any of them on the day, all they have had is a cheap (and I mean one of the free cards you get through the post from rspca, rnil type so they haven't even gone out and gotten them a card) through the post and they have been late, the last birthday card was nearly a week late, with a note saying sorry. Now if they lived far away and were older I would understand but they live 10 minutes down the road, in their 60s and use mobility scooter to go everywhere even though they can walk perfectly fine just don't want too.

And when it comes to dh birthday, they don't even bother anymore, the 1st birthday after bil death, they got him a whiskey decanter which was obviously from a chairty shop, the box was damaged and it was dusty as hell but they insisted they had brought it new from a shop and still saying this now, dh doesn't drink whiskey, never has, they then said it was in memory of bil but he again didn't drink whiskey so no idea what they were thinking. Now they don't even get him a card or send a message to say happy birthday. Where as they make a big deal of sil and other Bils birthdays

And I just now come christmas dc will get a tenner put in a cheap card, no thought process put into it. Where as our nieces will get everything they want and more from them even though they are a older then mine, as sil and nieces live with them and they have always spoilt them rotten, my dc have started noticing the difference in how they are treated from a young age and have no expectation anymore.

Now we have extended family coming down next week, this is the 1st time they will have been since the wake, were we all put on a bit of a front and put everything down to grief, but it's beyond that now, it has genuinely felt that for the last 2 years dh has been punished for not being the one who died, it's hard to explain but it's the little things they have said or done over the time.

How do we navigate this, I know they are going to want us all to go round to see them but I will not go, I've refused to have anything else to do with them for the last year and Dh has withdrawn completely in the last month, the last conversation with them was dh telling that unless they change their attitude towards us then he's done with them, he's not playing happy families with them just so they look good. We obviously want to see the extended family but without them, we don't want them bought into the drama but without telling them why, we are going to look like the bad guys to everyone as I just know the in-laws will spin everything in their favour, they are the grieving parents and dh is the horrible child punishing them even more, and that it's all my fault. I've seen how they have treated othere who have done nothing wrong but take a step back from them in the past.
Would we be unreasonable to tell them our side 1st, dh thinking about giving them a ring to explain everything and see if they will meet us separately while their here, or do we just suck it up go to the in-laws for an hour or even just make excuses and which means not see them at all.

Again I'm sorry for such a long post and thank you if you have gotten this far. We are just stuck about what to do

This.
if they ask a vague comment about the parents still grieving and us giving them space will suffice.

I have known a few people who have bought mobility scooters and they do not need them, so your post makes no sense. It's their money, so I don't care, but they do so just to save them walking and even for "fun".
Maybe YOU need one but many do not. Some people also will grab them in big stores/amusement parks just so they can buzz around in them. That is a plain and open fact.

you couldn’t find 5 minutes to text or give them a call?

I agree that it’s grief. And the things you list the card, decanter, I would personally think they did something as opposed to they didn’t do enough? I’m so sorry about your child though, I wonder if they’re finding it hard to cope with too? Tough for all of you op, sorry x

If the "parents" were truly grieving and backing away from ALL the rest of their children, DGC and family, it would be, at least, somewhat believeable. The fact that they are selectively shunning certain family members shows that they are just nasty people and not deeply grieving.
If they are "upset" that the OP didn't become devestated for them quickly enough, when OP had her heart on pause and was holding her breath, hoping her own YOUNG DD would survive, proves the PIL to be self-centered narcissists.
And then you have to make the comment that the OP "still has her children". REALLY? It certainly isn't because the PIL were supportive and caring, but then, who should expect such a thing from self-centered narcissists.

I agree completely.

Her DH did more than enough by seeing his parents and keeping in contact with them, along with worrying about his DD and taking care of the other children.

Yet, they are shunning HIM, the dead son's wife and their child, the DGD who was fighting cancer, the other DGC who did nothing wrong and the OP.
That's not grief, that's just nasty behavior.

It is frankly mind-boggling that so many posters are defending the PIL. It proves that MN posters will stick the boot in any one's neck if it gives them a chance to vent their anger/hate/MH issues unto others.

It sounds like they are effectively parents to their grandchildren that live with them, as they have been removed from their mother's care at least once and no mention of their father(s).

Of course their relationship will be different with them. It's a shame they don't have a close enough relationship with your children, but perhaps having to be parents to these two and making their special birthdays special after the recent loss of their own child meant that their wells were dry when it came to celebrating your children's too.

They did send cards, but didnt buy special ones and they arrived late. Perhaps this was the best they could manage in the circumstances. I say they, but responsibility for managing everything seems to fall on MIL, yet you hold FIL blameless.

You complain that they don't visit you, but also say the walk is too uphill for you to walk to them. (They also have to walk up that hill home.)

Hopefully time will heal. It has been a difficult time for all involved with lots of blame cast based on assumptions.

You seem very unkind and mean.

And I totally believe you had three members of your family all in the hospital, deathly ill, at the same time. 🙄

Reading back, I see the OP DID message the PIL after their son died but they never replied. I think that was plenty enough to do as she had more important issues to deal with at the time.

No I'm not. I'm just able to be considerate of others too. They had lost their child!!!! At the very point where the op thought she may lose hers so should have been even more understanding! I'm very fortunate that you can't imagine the hell I was going through at that time. I hope you never have to. Even in your worst moments you can spare a thought for others.

And that's your opinion.
You weren't the one that was over 50 miles away from, with no support watching your child fight for their life because they had no immune system to fight a simple cold and it turn into a chest infection and then pneumonia. I was on my own, not sleeping for over 3 days because you were afraid if you closed your eyes something would happen to them.
You don't know how it felt to be so far away from your husband when you know it was the time he needed you the most in all the years you had been together, all I wanted to do was just be there for him, to hold him and tell him no matter what I loved him. But I couldn't and that broke my heart more then anything, all the times he picked me up and I couldn't do it for him when he needed it the most.
You certainly weren't the one who broke down in front of the Dr's and nurses when they said if she didn't improve in the 24 hours they would have to make arrangements to transfer her to the specialist hospital that was 200 miles away in London and had to be held by her nurse while you sob your heart out because you knew what that meant.

I hardly left her bedside, the only person who I had enough strength to speak to was my husband, I didn't even speak to my own mother till she turned up at the hospital because my husband rang her and asked her to come and support me because he knew how much i needed it but he had to be at home to support his parents.
I spent 18 months living on autopilot while dd was on treatment, I was also grieving too, for the life that my dd should have had and also for my bil, who was a big part of our lives. You have no idea how much I wish that time of our life was completely different, how i could have been there for my dh and pil but I was forced to make a choice and I would choose my dd everytime

You can’t read?

WOW