Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

So? Nobody is asking the OP to make sure the teen has a cracking time. It's not the end of the world for them to be bored.

I dont think you are unreasonable at all. A friend of mine has done this twice in the last 6 months, except she didnt even have the decency to tell me her DC was coming - just turned up with her!

My DC were left at home. I wouldn't even think of bringing one of them unless checking first. I think its rude.

We had a school reunion a few years ago, but just for us 5 girls who were all best friends in the 80s and 90s. Bar me, every single one of them brought their kids (my son is much older than theirs so didn't need to go). However, they were all able to entertain each other as there were so many of them (ages ranged from 2 to 15) while we drank in a pub in Twickenham (the kids were with us, they just hung out in the pub garden). That worked perfectly.

If it were just a teenage girl hanging around, when she already lives with her mum full time at home and has plenty of other people to spend the day with, I'd be pissed off. I know it's hard to say anything at the time, and I'm always one to get blindsided and to not speak up, but now your friend thinks you're more than happy with the situation. I wouldn't want to go, and would have to tell her why.

It'll be a whole lot worse if the girl is sullen and miserable like they can be at that age. I can only imagine my niece if my sister pulled this on a mate. She would nonstop moan.

I'd do it anyway.

1. She can't object, she's bringing her teen.
2. it points out the impact of bringing her daughter with her without having to spell it out (not that you should have to spell it out, it should be blindingly obvious).
3. They may get on.
4. It may occupy her daughter enough that the teens will dawdle behind on the walk and you can talk freely with her.

I would of course find some way to reward my son for doing me this massive favour. He'd have rolled his eyes (my DS in 28 now) but he'd have done it at 17 I'm sure, he's a good soul.

Your friend is visiting from overseas but you still expected her not to bring her daughter (even though she had already dropped it into conversation). If you don’t want to see her, just say so, and you can catch up the next time she visits.

Agreed. You should say this. Just be honest.

If it's a good friend and you don't get to see her often then I would go. It's not what you were expecting but you might still enjoy it. Just make sure it's only the two of you next time.

I have two friends that my DD's like a lot and they would 100% be keen to spend time with them whenever they could. In fact I had plans to visit one friend for a take away at hers recently and she actually invited my DD's along too when they were chatting to her a few days before. I was a bit hmm as it does change the dynamic of the chat, but you know what we had an absolute great night.

It's only for a few hours, your going somewhere with nice food, you get to see your friend so enjoy. Perhaps the two of you could catch up for a coffee before she goes home.

I don’t think it’s strange, if she’s on holiday with her daughter then she probably wants to spend the time with her more than you, but she is still making the effort to see you. Just talk to her normally, I bet her daughter probably won’t be even listening and will likely be on her phone anyway. I would enjoy asking her how her life is going and finding out what 16 year old girls enjoy doing these days, just go with the flow I don’t think she will affect the dynamic as much as you think she will. It’s not like she’s invited another adult female friend who could potentially dominate the conversation.

I would just make sure that next time you make arrangements, say that you'd like to catch up just the two of you.

I had an old friend who would do this, and it was infuriating. Her DD completely dominated the conversation, and they'd chat among themselves so I'd end up sat wondering why I'd gone.

Maybe the daughter wants to see you, or the grandparents have plans or an appointment and she doesn't want to leave her on her own.

2 very different situations, the only similarity is you both you and the OP's friend have 16 year old daughters

Why would a 16 year old tag along just to sit on her phone?

Personally, I would come up with a last minute bout of food poisoning/migraine headache and call off. I have (had) a couple of old friends who go nowhere without their husbands. After some awkward encounters unable to converse freely with friends, I've decided not to see them again. One husband I particularly dislike, yet I can never see Susan without him. I will stick to occasional cheery texts & Xmas cards from now on and never see them in the flesh again. Sad, but it's their decision really.

Going completely against the grain here (and don't a few differing opinions make the discussion more interesting anyway...). I would be delighted to spend time with any of the kids of my good friends. Life is short and children are the most important thing in our lives. If somebody treats my child kindly it's the best gift ever to me. Of course it wasn't what you were expecting and that can be disappointing. But perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to show beautiful hospitality to your friend's child while they are visiting, her daughter will be off to university or work soon enough and you'll have her mum to yourself, but being generous and welcoming to this young person at a sensitive time in their life will strengthen your friendship and give you a nice memory of three of you to look back on.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I can't see the issue. My DD wouldnt be interested in our conversation but likes to come out to nice places so I often bring them!

Just say that you thought it was the two of you, so unfortunately it's not a goer.

Don't say that! Your friend has travelled from overseas to see you and you're putting her on notice that you want to have a good old moan. Hardly fun for your friend. If I got a text like that I'd probably cancel because I wouldn't want to spend one of my holiday days being drained by someone's negativity.

OP I think the issue is that you and your friend have been on different pages from the start. She was always going to bring her DD. That was obvious from the spa comment - I'm not sure how you missed that. Maybe because you were totally bought into the idea you'd created in your head that it would just be the two of you? Sounds like that was never actually confirmed.

Exactly. Between 16-18 mine wanted to do more adult things and spend time with me there.
Not a big deal.

Atmosphere and nice drinks

No, I didn't miss it. If the DD doesn't want to be left alone that does change things, but 16 isn't 6. Personally at 16 I wouldn't have minded being left, but I realise everyone's different. And like OP I'm wondering why seeing her grandparents isn't an option.

@Catza do you are happy for your teens to be present whenever you see your friends? You never want to just chat to friends without the teens around? I find that rather sad really.

This is ridiculous. The 16 Yr old might chat a bit but will spend most of the time on her phone I bet. And what sorts of conversations do you want to have fir a whole day that are inappropriate for a 16yr old. We visited family yesterday. The cousins played together but my almost 13yr old got bored with the little kids and sat with the adults towards the end of the evening. It was me, SIL, her sister and her cousin... we talked about false eyelashes, dogs, someone's car, TV shows, the weather and clock change, toenails, more dogs.... the 13 Yr old either joined in or sat quietly or looked at her phone. No drama.
You make it sound like you will be reading stories and reciting nursery rhymes the whole time. If you need alone time with your friend the DD could go for a walk separately.
If they live overseas the 16yr old may not know her grandparents well and not want to stay there alone for what sounds like a whole day.
I think it was very obvious from the get go the DS was coming.

Also be prepared for the bill to be split 2 ways, so you'll pay half of the DD's meal too (been there, got the t-shirt)

I had a friend who used to bring her new BF to every meet-up we had, or he'd just happen to be nearby and drop in wherever we were - which is just as annoying as those who suddenly bring random people or their DC's to lunches with very little notice. It just completely changes the dynamic.

Have they been overseas a long time? Like pp have said, maybe the DD isn't that close to the grandparents due to distance and doesn't want to stay behind with them.

I might be tempted to say to friend "are you sure your DD won't be bored?'. But then if friend doubles down I'd suck it up.

This!
People are going on like she will have to play dollys with the 16yr old.
She's 16.... she will eat cake and scroll her phone!