To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

Yes but it would be wrong. We need to protect teenage girls from themselves.

This reminds me of that film, An Education. There's a girl, about 16/17 and an older man (turns out to be married). She's convinced it is love, and he proposes. She drops out of school...turns out she is one of many.

Watching the film I was disgusted and my jaw constantly dropping at this adult man and school girl. Reading this thread it seems that wouldn't be the reaction of everyone.

I met my first husband when he was 27 abd I was 19. We were together for 30 years. I wouldn't worry about the age gap.

😬

And that was creepy too.

Once again, totally irrelevant. That was a different time. In the 1960s and 1970s and 1980s, girls used to get engaged at 16-17, it was commonplace and no-one batted an eyelid. Most parents would be horrified if their daughter got engaged at 17 now..

Several girls I knew back then married men 7-12 years older than them.

All divorced now.

The age gap became an issue further down the line, when she was a vibrant woman in her early 40s, with adult children, who wanted to have an active social life and take on new activities and sports. But she had a 52-55 year old husband who just wanted to sit in his reclining chair in his slippers watching shite TV from the 1960s and 1970s. Also, he had lost his libido some years back, and developed erectile dysfunction, whilst she had a huge sex drive.

Yep, big age gaps rarely come without problems...

I'm quite shocked at a nearly 30 year old wanting to date a teenager still at school. Why would he prefer her over someone his own age? Because she will have a lot less life experience and be more vulnerable than him ... It's not good. The only guys I know who were late 20s and dated teenagers at school were utter creeps who deliberately went out with v young girls.

I don't think there's a lot you can do but I would be concerned if it was me.

May not work. I loved a lot of 60s, 70s and 80s music as a teen. I was an old soul who got on better with older people. I was also quiet and studious like your daughter, had terrible self esteem, was going through mental health problems and going through roaccutane treatment for severe acne (which affects mental health), so very vulnerable. So I totally understand your concern 🩷

That’s a creepy age gap given her age.

It’s weird and far too big an age gap.

Can you talk to him and ask him to leave her alone for a year for the sake of her studies, and hope it cools off in the meantime?

Thank you all for your comments.

She was in a pub, whether she drunk alcohol or not I don’t know. It was a pub quiz and a bit of food with friends more than a proper night out/pub crawl.

I think it’s the intensity and the stages they are in life that bother me more. She isn’t immature as such but she is still in school, living with parents etc. and like I said no proper boyfriend before (that I know of of course)
He was with someone for three years, not sure why they split up. He obviously has moved out and bought a house. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but if he is that nice then why would he want to go out with someone still in school (as lovely as I think my daughter is!)

I’ve suggested him coming round, I think she thinks it’s a bit uncool to bring him back to her family home maybe? His parents live around an hour away from what she’s said so she hasn’t met them. I might suggest meeting in a restaurant or coffee shop to make it a bit more neutral.

This dismisses the risk of some very real option.

1. She decides she loves him too much, gives up her dreams, moves in with him, pops out a few kids, realises in 10 years that she’s miserable and has no quals to fall back on or career.
2. He is actually a nefarious character and set it up and pimps her out to his peado mates.
3. Theyre together for a few years, but he actually only fancies teen girls and as she matures in body and mind it disgusts him so he turns and he abuses her and she is mentally and physically destroyed.

These scenarios happen and continue to happen. It’s not enough to say potentially he could be nothing but a fling as the fact is she is at risk from him.

Well, my first long term boyfriend at 19 was 33 and, as I found out six months into the relationship, a heroin addict (kept secret from me). I went out with him for two years until the relationship ran its course and, in hindsight, he was probably the best thing to happen to me at the time. I’ve never taken drugs but he adored me and built my self esteem up so much. I’ve been married for 25 years now with two adult DCs, but if I ever bumped into him (if he’s still alive) I’d love to tell him that.

Does she think it ‘uncool’ or is he resistant?

I was 15 when that happened and I distinctly remember my pals and I think it was yuk.
My mother did too.
I had zero interest in the royal family but it was everywhere.
We thought she was a young girl and he was a yukky old fellow.
40+ years later and I have never changed my view.
Whatever she was like, she was a very young girl sacrificed by her family to a creepy older fellow.
I have a 19 year old and I shudder at the thought, and my 19 year old is fairly clued in.

She’s 17, her birthday is in 6 months

I was 17 when I was in a relationship with a man who was 22/23.

We both loved each other very much and he had no ill-intentions. He was no bad boy or anything, a bit of a nerd tbh. But, he was too old for me. It held me back. I went to a different uni, didn’t bother going on a year abroad, etc. He also wanted commitment such as moving in before I was ready. Things ended after a few years. Looking back on it, something about the dynamic wasn’t quite right. I relied on him too much and it felt like he was my protector. In reality I needed space to grow up and find my own independence without my adult boyfriend’s guidance.

It’s not something I would want for my daughter…but I’m glad my mum didn’t say anything because I would have pushed back massively and it would have made me even more committed.

Please find some professional resources OP, I feel this thread is being derailed by creepy apologists. A 17 year old's 'yes' is not the same as a 27 year old's 'yes'.

I posted the CEOP resource below earlier, but please check if there are local charities and support that can help you. Try the NSPCC helpline, Brook, her school etc.
She should have been taught in school about power dynamics, and this should have covered how age differences and power imbalances affect young people’s consent. Start a conversation with her based on what she was taught in school.

https://www.ceopeducation.co.uk/11_18/lets-talk-about/relationships/age-gap-relationships/

https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/power-imbalances-in-relationships/

https://www.sec-ed.co.uk/content/safeguarding-digest/rshe-guidance-age-gaps-power-consent

If you want to be a bit mean, ask him how he feels about lowering the voting age to 16 i.e. does he like young women to make decisions? Has he told his parents that his girlfriend is 17? Does his employer know?

I was 19, he was 34. First time I stayed at his without it being after a night out was fuuuuccking boring!! Had his 2 German Shepherds laying on the bed, pulled out a car mag to read and then wanted sex. Not tonight Joesexfiend! Grabbed myself a cab and never responded to his calls. It will fizzle put, so just be there for her without any 'I told you so's' she'll know it herself, don't rub her nose in it

Don't her friends find it gross? If her friends find him a creepy loser who can't get women his own age, that's probably the quickest way to get rid of him.

Or ask her whether she has any classmates interested in 13 year olds - because she's dating the same creepy guy, but from the future.

Please do stop saying she's nearly 18 if you do want help, she's 17, 17.5 at most.

From the USA but still, might be useful
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/why-i-deeply-dislike-your-older-boyfriend

As a DM to a 17 year old DD (18 on Thursday 🎉) I would absolutely want to meet this man. I would be highly suspicious of ANY 27 year old wanting to date a seventeen year old 😗

Assume they are using contraception if needed. That would be my main worry about my daughter. Don't like the sound of this man. He seems a be on a bit of an ego trip with a young girl.

My husband is 15 years older than me. We’ve been married for 41 years.

Point 1 is valid.

Point 2 on your list is so unlikely it's absolutely ridiculous.

Presuming this girl is sexually mature, you don't understand the meaning of the word 'pedo', either.

Very real option. Sorry but no. It's absurd.

Point 3.
Unless he only dates girls of this age unlikely.

Happy @maxslice ?