Reached the end of my tether

[Isitmeanttobethishard]

I’ve posted before about my DS fighting. I seriously can’t carry on like this. It’s been months, they fight relentlessly over everything. Calm approaches haven’t worked, big huge dressing downs haven’t worked. Taking away treats and screens hasn’t worked. It’s not just bickering, it escalates very quickly into screaming, shouting, name calling and hitting.

Tonight, after having to break up 7 fights, I lost it (it’s happened so many times over the last few months). They both went to bed sobbing, with no cuddles or stories, but it will carry on tomorrow morning.

Help. I’m seriously contemplating separating from my DH and taking a child each on rotation as we’re just not a happy family, I can’t live my life like this.

This 100% sounds like someone that has never been in a situation anything like this. You know like the education advisors who have never interacted with a child ever and tell you that all behaviour is communication and that restorative conversations solve everything!

Are you in the UK? The waiting list for therapy is about 4 years long. Private therapy is about £150 for 45 minutes.

Haven’t rtwt, but wanted to reassure you. I have 4 DSs, now all adults. DS2 has SN, so take him out of the equation. There is a 3 year age gap between DS1 & DS3, they used to fight like cat & dog. There is a 3 year age gap between DS3 & DS4. Once DS1 & DS3 had stopped arguing, DS3 & DS4 started. I used to say to DS3: you hated this with DS1 & now you’re doing it with DS4! Of course, I put sanctions in place, but I hear you, they don’t appear to make much difference. I also remember my brothers (4 year age gap, as I was in the middle) arguing & fighting when we were kids. All are exceptionally close as adults. I would say, from my experience that it’s a phase they go through that is exceptionally difficult to parent. Stick to your guns, you will get through it. My mantra was, “There’s no such thing as play fighting/arguing. It always ends up with someone getting hurt and I’m not having that.” Hope this gives you hope @Isitmeanttobethishard.

I remember this phase well. I used to repeat to myself ‘be a commentator not a referee’. It didn’t work though.
The only thing that did work was making it really boring every single time. So every time they argued I made them sit on separate sofas first offence was for 5 mins, then ten, fifteen etc. They were always worse at the start of the holidays as they re-adjusted to spending time together but they never got past 25 mins before they got bored and stopped. I always made sure that I thought they were collectively responsible when I spoke to them at the end of each time on the sofa - so X you shouldn’t have spoiled the game and Y you shouldn’t have hit him in response. I’m not sure if that’s a great approach but it stopped one trying to always get the other in trouble.

If one of them was clearly at fault & the other completely innocent I would take away £1 of their pocket money but mine were generally both as bad as each other so I didn’t often have to do that.

The only other thing that had any impact was taking away their choice. Can’t take turns listening to songs in the car, great we’ll listen to my music. Can’t decide what to watch on the tv, excellent I’ve been wanting to re-watch Downton Abbey.

It sounds more like arguing than fighting. My first 2 boys were 14 months apart and teased and argued with each other all the time until they both left home. One lives in Australia now, his brother is getting married next year and he’s coming over to be Best Man. I know the speech will be fun! They still tease each other and they are in their 40s, although it is a lot friendlier and calmer. I don’t think they’d ever be good if they had to live together again. Sorry, this isn’t much help OP. Physical fighting I wouldn’t tolerate but I really believe the arguing is siblings way of preparing for the real world - look at the way puppies and lion cubs are always fighting. I’d try to ignore all the arguing as much as possible, I think they are both enjoying it in a way. I look after my granddaughter who is an only child, she constantly wants adult interaction and is always bored. I think I preferred when my boys argued non stop to that!

DS1 probably thinks he's been assigned the role of troublemaker so lives up to it.

This has probably been years in the making. DS2 favoured as he's the "little one", from DS2s arrival, DS1s nose was pushed out of joint and never really came back.

I think you should leave them to it for a bit. Take away choices in the car and go home if they boot off.

Noise cancelling headphones for you with lovely music. As long as they are not fighting they will be fine.