Reached the end of my tether

[Isitmeanttobethishard]

I’ve posted before about my DS fighting. I seriously can’t carry on like this. It’s been months, they fight relentlessly over everything. Calm approaches haven’t worked, big huge dressing downs haven’t worked. Taking away treats and screens hasn’t worked. It’s not just bickering, it escalates very quickly into screaming, shouting, name calling and hitting.

Tonight, after having to break up 7 fights, I lost it (it’s happened so many times over the last few months). They both went to bed sobbing, with no cuddles or stories, but it will carry on tomorrow morning.

Help. I’m seriously contemplating separating from my DH and taking a child each on rotation as we’re just not a happy family, I can’t live my life like this.

You've missed out how old they are?

That sounds awful. How old are they? Our girls bicker a lot which drives me insane but this sounds next level.

God I'm right there with you right now. Really not coping at all with some of the meltdowns as just have way too much going on. Sorry for what you're going through OP. If you feel that's what's best and there's is no other solution then do that. Hard to advise there as idk what you're relationship with your DH is like, but you know the situation best.

Have you tried any form of mediation through different organisations that could offer your family support here?

They’re 11 and 8.

Well you know that is unreasonable, you can’t separate them like that.

I don’t know what age they are, but if they fight then put them each in their rooms (for whatever time is appropriate for their age) - then after they’ve done that, and when they apologise to each other, they come back down and can play again.

Rinse and repeat, they’ll learn that it’s better to stop fighting and actually get to play.

*editing now that it has crossed with their ages. Theyre old enough to be sent to their rooms if they fight, so do it.

Relationship with DH is good! We are happy, and when DS’ are on their own individually, they’re great. They’re great in school, they’re polite, kind boys, when it’s not to each other.

Call me old fashioned but they’d have got a wallop in our house

@Whosthetabbynow I have been tempted and tonight was one of those times!

Mine would’ve got a right bollocking too.

They both went to bed hyperventilating tonight they were that upset. DH had to do deep breathing with them to calm down, but I guarantee tomorrow will be the same story.

Goodness I could have written this today too! It’s awful!

God, yeh. I’m in charge, not them.

Honestly I lost my shit with my two fighting once. They still remember it today because I threw a bunch of stuff on the floor in frustration.
It actually did the trick. I am not proud of my reaction and I did apologise to them later. But actually it did seem to change something in them. Dont get me wrong they still fought but it was less intense

I’ve got no first- hand experience of this as there’s an 8 year gap between my two, but my friend who did have this just got very tough with it because they were both as bad as the other. It was not a case of one bullying/tormenting the other.

They got warnings before trips etc, the parents cancelled some trips/treats when their behaviour was bad, and she and her DH shouted a fair bit. Things got easier when they were teens but the junior school years were the worst.

I would not worry too much about them being upset. They should be. They are both old enough to know exactly what they’ve done and that it is wrong.

It used to be eldest DS always at fault. Ultimately he still is as I feel like their relationship has reached this point because of his teasing over the years. But day to day now, they are as bad as each other - DS2 is the shouter, and it feels like it’s become his instant go to whenever DS1 does anything remotely wrong.

Do you want to share any of the previous threads?

Any question over ND at all? (don't shout at me - I don't think all naughty behaviour is ND, just wondering)

My 2 children are the same. The fighting is actually ridiculous, and I'm sure I didn't fight this much with my sibling.
It's actually very sad seeing your children have such a bad relationship, and it can be so frustrating and overstimulating as a parent to have to play referee constantly.
I have no advice unfortunately as I'm in the thick of it myself, although mine are a fraction younger than yours.

No and I know for a fact we would both be scared of getting in trouble with our (kind and loving) parents so would almost work as a team, in a way? We definitely fought but it was over something, rather than NOTHING which is what DS’ fight about.

Are you and your DH able to spend quality time individually with each child? If you are really busy maybe they feel competitive for your time and attention?

Mine were the same but much better as teens. Hang on in there. Life is so much more peaceful now!

As soon as it starts, both go to their rooms so that it can't deteriorate.

If they're shouting and arguing, that is the time that you need to stay calm. Every time they start, immediately say 'I'm not having fighting in this house' and send them both to their rooms separately. Give them half an hour and then ask them if they want to come out and behave nicely. You need to be calm, firm and very consistent. It won't work immediately but stick with it and you will see results.

All the time. We do a lot separately 1 parent/1 child and they do completely different activities. Both get friends to play individually. Saturday morning DC2 played in his room
quietly so I played a board game with DC1. That’s a common scenario. DS2 can occupy himself much better.

The worst times are in the car - we cannot do a short car journey without shouting and fighting. And also when trying to do things as a family - watching TV together (arguments start over who sits where and escalate) and just when we’re at home - they have their own bedrooms too. And when there’s a remotely stressful time - like leaving the house.

They will scream, shout and fight on the way to their rooms! And need escorting physically.

A bit brutal and not suggesting you should actually do it, but what would happen if you actually sat them down and said what you have said here?

That the only way forward if they can't stop fighting is for you and dad to sell your current home and buy two small flats (as that's all you will be able to afford) and they will live with each of you on rotation.

Would it give them food for thought or make it worse?