To be at the end of my tether with DD's room?

[UndertheCedartree]

My 14yo DD has ADHD & Autism and really struggles with keeping her room tidy. But she hstes it if I go in and touch anything so I'm at a loss as to how to help her. It is just eso cluttered, messy and unorganised it is impossible for it to be cleaned properly. Has anyone got any experience of this and how to move forward?

Is it messy or is it a biohazard? If messy, just close the door and leave it be. If a biohazard, I would make some clear rules on how she should deal with it. Don't just barge into her room, but be clear such and such needs to happen every day or there will be such and such consequence.

Most teenagers are messy and disorganised, so this is not necessarily just because of Autism/ADHD. It might be partly a case of 'pick your battles'.

What does she propose? Does she want to live in filthy sheets, dirty clothes and rotting food mixed in with dirty and clean clothes over the floor? Does she want you to pretend to other people that it is clean?

she definitely would have to own her standards

I had this with ADHD DS. I would occasionally blitz it but within 24 hours it was back to “normal”.

Just shut the door and wait for them to move out.

Have you ever sat down and told her HOW to tidy and clean her bedroom?

My ADHD kids were a lot more receptive to precise instructions than a general "tidy your room".

E.g. gather all the dirty clothes and put them in laundry basket.
Sort your schools books by subject (I bought them file holders to put school stuff in. E.g. the maths box has calculator, compas, ruler, set squares, exercise books and manuals)

I also sit down and sort through their drawers with them occasionally. One of them likes me to help. One just wants me in the room supporting and talking it through but not touching anything

Getting close to biohazard. Setting expectations just doesn't work.

She doesn't seem to care. Doesn't want me to pretend, no.

If it a biohazard then she needs to clean it. With you if she struggles on her own. But she needs to clean it, ND or not really. It’s a life skill she wil have to learn.

Just shut the door and leave her to it, one day she will wake up and feel like she has a burst of energy to tackle her room, until that day comes keep the door shut!

I would if it was just messy but could be cleaned. Like my eldest, her room can get in a state but then she'll spend an hour resetting it and cleaning every couple of weeks. I don't even mind if she let me just remove rubbish etc and hoover. But she hates it.

Yes and this used to work well when she was younger but she gets really anxious even just talking about it.

This is why I never allowed eating in their rooms. I couldn't care less if the room was messy due to clothes but no way would food have been allowed to fester!

But how do you set them? She's ND, so you need to be very clear, both with the expectation and the execution.

1. DD, every day by 6pm I want you to take all the dirty plates and cutlery out of your room. If you do not do this, I will be in your room at 7.30pm to do it, and you will not be allowed to eat in your room until the following week.

1. DD, on Saturday at 10am, you will take the sheets off your bed and put them in the hallway. I will put new sheets in front of your door which you will put on your bed, either with me or alone. I will not give you your phone on Saturday morning until you have done this.

Be firm without creating additional anxiety by talking about this and that and coming into her room. From what it sounds like she is capable, so make it easy for her to comply and understand what happens if she doesn't do it. Be more granular than you think would be necessary. It will help her not get too overwhelmed.

Honestly I would but we've had mice in the house before and I'm sure it must stem from her room!

Autistic people struggle with transitions. If the room is overwhelmingly messy, starting it will feel impossible. It may help her to sit down and imagine it tidy. Imagine her clothes organised by colour in the wardrobe. Her books in alphabetical order on the shelf. Her floor space clear of clutter.

If she spends time imagining what it will look like tidy, then when she sees the reality of it as it is, it will annoy her brain as she will want the picture in her brain to match the reality. Which might give her the push she needs to start.

I agree with this. Unfortunately, her dad has allowed food in the room and it has become a slippery slope.

She needs help to avoid the issue, rather than the issue developing and then feeling anxious at having to correct.

Messy is just aesthetics, food etc. is a real issue. Can you get one plastic box for anything that must be washed (cups etc) that can be left immediately inside or outside the door for daily removal. Then ignore other mess such as clothes and paper.

If you work out the priorities, maybe she can stop feeling so anxious about this.

Can you just blitz it when they are out without you for a day?

I'll give this a try, thank you. It's obvioudly why iy annoys my brain so much it being messy!

That's a good idea, thank you.

I have a dd16 like this. She is slowly improving. We redecorated her room when she was 14 because I thought if it was the way she wanted it, she’d keep it nice. Wrong. It is as bad as ever.

Things I have done that helped:

1. agreed a ban with her on taking any plates of food, or pieces of fruit or glasses of juice into her room. The biohazard of the rotting food was the thing that bothered me most. She agreed it would cause fewer arguments and it helped a lot.
2. told her very plainly that I respect her privacy but in return I expect her to respect our home. So if she doesn’t clear up, then once it’s a complete disaster and she has every piece of her clothing on the floor, I will come into her room and tidy it up and that might include wardrobe and drawers. She hates me doing that usually, but sometimes I can tell she is simply overwhelmed so I do the cleaning for her and I can see she is happier.
3. We set a “Monday night clean” policy - once a week she has to make SOME effort to tidy her room by 8pm. More often than not she simply stuffs everything in the wardrobe. I don’t react much, But I make sure I tidy up when she is still in her room so she can see how it’s done properly . It really annoys her and I have told her “if you want your quiet space to unwind, then all you have to do is keep your room tidy like this.”

In the past six months she has got a lot better at tidying up - mainly because her new best friend has a habit of popping over unannounced so dd is embarrassed if her room is like a hazardous waste site.

She's not out that much but when she is and I do it really upsets her. She doesn't like the thought of me 'touching her stuff'.

Could you maybe encourage her to start with small sections. The whole task might just be too overwhelming for her. Maybe day one just clearing the rubbish or her desk. Day 2 change the sheets etc

Maybe seeing one space nice and tidy might spur her on?

I've found labelling shelves, drawers etc can really help, making it very clear where everything belongs.
It's one suggestion that helps some people tackle part of their problem.

I'd focus on the unacceptable stuff like food/crockery etc then leave her to it.

My DS was the same. (ADHD but no Autism). He's 21 now and lives with his girlfriend. Apparently sharing the actual space with someone else is motivation enough for it to click. He is much tidier now.

But if you’ve had mice before that might have come from her biohazard room, she’ll have to accept that either she cleans or you do it with her and you have to touch her stuff. I appreciate it makes her anxious but it’s really unsanitary to live like that. She needs to learn because otherwise one day she may move out and her whole house could be like it.