To be at the end of my tether with DD's room?

[UndertheCedartree]

My 14yo DD has ADHD & Autism and really struggles with keeping her room tidy. But she hstes it if I go in and touch anything so I'm at a loss as to how to help her. It is just eso cluttered, messy and unorganised it is impossible for it to be cleaned properly. Has anyone got any experience of this and how to move forward?

So long as the door can be shit to hide it from visitors and the dirty washing-up is brought out, just let it alone.

What with rotting food? Would you be happy with that in your house?

No food in the room, whatsoever. Maybe sit her down, arrange a blitz of her room, and make sure she's aware of the rules. Keep it simple. Washing in basket. No food or drink AT ALL. Rubbish downstairs. Bed changed regularly. (agree between you how often) If you've had mice, and you think it's due to the state of her room, you've got to be firm. I know from an ND point it's really hard, for both of you.

I would be firm to make her learn.

as in - today we are cleaning your room. I can help you if you need but it’s getting done. It’s non negotiable.

her being anxious doesn’t really trump there being mice in the house.

I say this kindly but don’t allow ND to be an excuse for this. If you allow this to continue it will become her norm and that’s no way to live. When she is calm, have a conversation about wanting to help her to manage the upkeep of her room. Firstly, look at what can be to make it as easy as possible, does she have too much stuff in there? Can she declutter? Suggest that she can sell things on vinted and keep the cash. Look at her storage, is there anything that could be added to help? A row of hooks on a wall can be really handy for hanging jackets, or bags, towels etc. Does she have a dirty laundry basket in her room?
Agree a set of minimum expectations.
Bed made daily. If it’s not made you are going in to do it.
Before leaving for school any cups/glasses/plates need to be put in dishwasher. If it isn’t done then allow her a water bottle in her room and nothing more.
On Tuesdays and Fridays the bin must be emptied. Make this really easy by ensuring the bin has a liner in it so she literally takes it out and adds to bin.
Thursdays all laundry must be gathered and put in basket.
Saturday - floor must be cleared and hoovered.
Sunday - bed stripped and remade.

I would remove the rubbish and things when shes at school. Can you say NO food at upstairs for everyone.

One thing I have learned from my ADHD daughter is that you can't just tell her she has to clean her room. Firmness doesn't help. She actually had no idea where to start and trying to start paralysed her because she was so stuck. I tried explaining, just do one thing. I could see it in steps. She just couldn't. All she saw was the big mess and she couldn't see the first thing.

It may help to make a list for her to follow with steps. Example, 1. Take recycling to the recycling bin. 2. Take clothes to the laundry room. 3. Put books on shelves. Etc. My DD could follow that, though it wasn't easy.

My DD has her own place now and she still struggles with this sort of thing. However, she has had some help from a psychologist who specialises in teaching these skills to ADHD people and has some systems. She also pays a cleaner to come in each week. Now that she's grown she's been able to describe her experience of trying to tidy a space. I can't relate to it at all, but I can see that, as described above, she truly doesn't know where to start when faced with mess.

It might help to work with her rather than trying to tackle the whole room at once. ADHD can make organising and knowing where to start really difficult, so simple storage and breaking it into small tasks may help. Giving her some control over what gets moved could also make her feel less overwhelmed, while agreeing on basic hygiene standards keeps things manageable for everyone.

My daughter is the same... but she's in her 20s. She's neurodivergent, with ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia. Her room looks like a bombsite.

I've no idea how she functions in there.

I offer to do it with DD usually. She doesn't want me to and says she'll do it. Usually she will but I will tend to give her a deadline and then I'm going to do it. I have to come in and clear up occasionally to check she's not stashing self-harming equipment.

It helped a bit when I labelled her drawers and got extra plastic boxes to chuck certain categories of clothes in. Pretty it ain't, but it is quick and more or less organised.

Rubbish and food is non-negotiable.

You mean untidy or messy? If that is messy, then try to teach your kids in steps how they can organize everything in certain places while if that is untidy then try to clean it and show you daughter how that is done.

Seems like she needs some help to get it in order initially, and then help getting a system together to maintain them.

Get her to put a bit of a vision board together, what would her room look like in her dreams? What do you need it to be (floor clear for hoovering, clear surface to dust, no dishes or food upstairs).
Watch a few Netflix organisation shows (eg The Home Edit, Tidying Up with Marie Condo, home revamp shows etc).

Then work through stuff together - set the parameters for what needs to go, how much can stay, what systems and stuff she'll need in place.
Then get on with a huge declutter - work through each category together, agree how much of what needs to stay or go, and move everything in the category out of her room and lay it out somewhere to go through, donate and bin other stuff. Repeat til you've been through the entire room. Then deep clean (they may be something you do without her), and put every thing back sensibly. If she needs an incentive, redecorate whilst it's empty, and get new furniture to help with the organisation. Then everyone needs to enforce the rules on no food, keeping tidy etc. Probably need a bit of a carrot and stick method, so maybe something like 'you'll clean it if it's tidy, if it's not tidy she looses her phone til it is'. And agree what tidy looks like beforehand, and teach her how to maintain that standard.Maybe a checklist of what needs done would be useful.

It's so hard.

Executive function issues, object permanence problems, the desperate need not to have their stuff touched, knowing where to start - it's the same for my son who's quite a bit older than your daughter.

As long as there is no food or drink up there, I am ignoring it. I pick my battles now.

Agreed. Small steps. Can you clear the windowsill please? It needs cleaning.

My dd is like this. She would previously do a Sunday reset which meant she tidied. That had lapsed. She would generally do plates outside room every couple of days but everything else was disgusting. Anytime I have suggested helping she didn’t want me anywhere near it.

i wanted to get the cleaner in there so this weekend was the deadline. I nagged and nagged and it didn’t get done. Her words were that she wanted to but she just couldn’t.

in the end I said I would do it while she was out, I did and she actually came back and thanked me. I was expecting to be screamed at as I had sorted clothes etc all sorts.

i have a feeling she actually did want it done but she had got to a point where a pp said that it was so messy that she just couldn’t start it. The need it it to be tidy overruled her hatred of me going in there.

Tell her no more eating in her room until she tidies it.

Quite simply, a messy room with rotting food which attracts rodents would be considered neglect. As the adult with parental responsibility, you would be considered responsible.
I appreciate you are trying to support her due to her ND (I am Audhd as are both my kids so i know its not that easy!) but she needs to understand how serious this is, and the potential repercussions for you as a family were someone (friend/visitor/family member) to report to SS.

If she only thinks its an issue because its "what mum expects/wants" then then she's unlikely to motivate her take action because thus far it hasnt.

Gently, make her aware of the issue and make it clear there must be a resolution found. Encourage her to come up with solutions rather than imposing them on her, and take ownership of them.

How does she do with checklists? Could you set something up with her on a whiteboard or similar?
Have you considered apps that gamify this sort of thing. I think my eldest at uni uses Finch and has done for a while, pre-uni, while for help with routines.

I don’t allow food in the bedroom, check dirty washing has been put out daily and then I leave them to it.

My DD is similar to yours and I just disregard her feelings and do a blitz now and then. When she kicks off, I say that I don’t want to do and won’t have to if she just tries to keep it semi clean.

I get teens are messy and I’m ok with that on a day to day level but it can get out of control and not letting it is a non negotiable in our house.

Why mice? Are you letting your kids have food in bedrooms?
That's a hard no in my house.
Anyway you need to schedule it on calendar and then do it with her everything so she can build a routine:
Start with filling rubbish sack and stripping bed then pile everything ontop to hoover.
Then sit with her while you sort the piles.
Ask her what would make it easier? Does she have too much stuff? Is she keeping junk? Is she hoarding?
If she's a hoarder you need to nip that in the bud immediately

Take a picture of the room then ask Chat GPT to show you the room tidy . It removes all the clutter and might inspire your DD .

Don't put images of personal space into chatGPT without permission of the DD as it's very intrusive.

I have one of these! I ask that the wardrobe is closed once a week, which includes all clean clothes away and all dirty clothes out. Floor clear. Which includes all mugs and any rubbish. Toiletries in the basket.

This is Thursday nights. Every Thursday.

Do clothes get put away properly? No. Is the basket of toiletries remotely sorted? No. Is it in a sinilar state to wednesday by Saturday? Yes. But it's the best they've got and the best I can hope for.

It is also 3 steps. Wardrobe, floor, toiletries. And it is every Thursday without fail. Easy to remember and easy to comply with. Years of battles have taught me this way!

It also means that on a Thursday I know I will be doing a load of their laundry and could also get in there to run the vacuum round and a cloth, but as they get older, the vacuum and wipe round are being added to their list. Slowly! Eventually the laundry will be added, but getting the laundry out of the machine and aired is a whole next level battle!

I will say that they have other household jobs and really do pull their weight in the communal areas and other with other things. But their bedroom is a different kettle of fish.

I would say that if she isn’t doing it and she won’t let you do it (and there have been MICE!) then it must be done together. Model how to do it and gradually guve her more to do and you less. Call up at 7pm every day-the dishwasher is going on, can you bring your stuff down.

Go in at 7.30am-I’m putting the washing on, have you go anything?

Say the beds are going to be changed and hung on the line, here are the new ones, can you strip yours by 9.30am please

etc

I do love how being diagnosed with all the letters is blamed for a teens messy room, most teens have messy rooms, it's just teen laziness. You tell her she either cleans it up or you will do it for her and you will just bin what you think is rubbish. If she doesn't want you to go in there, she can clean it herself.

My children aren't teens yet but I don't allow food in rooms, my eldest who is 10 has started taking crisps up to eat recently, I told her straight no food in bedrooms!!! Least mess is just clothes then and not rotting food or crumbs everywhere.