To think it’s obvious which children don’t attend nursery?

[Omgshesaidthat]

I met up with a group of mum friends yesterday and it just got me thinking how to me it’s so obvious when a child doesn’t go to nursery.

From the group, only one mum didn’t go back to work after her maternity leave - at the time I felt quite envious but seeing her boy compared to the rest of the group now they are all 2 has made me think that I’m not actually so sure that being at home is such a good thing.

For example he’s not potty trained yet whereas the rest of the group are well on their way or totally dry and his speech is nowhere near as good as the others - even with things like numbers & alphabet, DD is parroting it all back to me whereas this little boy isn’t yet.

We did an organised activity and all the other children in the group sat nicely & listened and then participated whereas my friend’s boy just did his own thing the whole time.

My friend is a good mum and she does take him to playgroup and sets up little activities for him at home so it’s not like he’s just sat doing nothing all day. But it just felt quite apparent that you can’t recreate that nursery setting at home and the impact of children being in that environment and surrounded by other children is huge for their development.

My best friend was a nursery manager for 15 years and she never out her own children in nursery ( attached to school only ) before the age of 3 . She always says the same as you .

Yes I’ve found this with a lot of children who have never been to nursery. Perhaps more between 2-4 though. 2 is pretty young. I’m sure you’ll be told you’re wrong though.

Absolutely agree. Of course people who have no choice but to work tell themselves it benefits the child.
Nursery was only ever a negative for my children, especially as babies and toddlers. In hindsight I would have stayed at home instead of working part time when I didn't have to.

Absolute nonsense. I can always tell the ones who have spent all their earliest years in nursery as they are the worst behaved as they have always had to compete for attention before they were developmentally ready for it & didn't have one consistent caregiver there to gently correct them every time they grabbed/lashed out etc. The age at which a child is toilet trained has nothing to do with them being at nursery either. Maybe your friends son seems more "babyish" compared to your child but so what? What's the rush for him to grow up & she'll have all the memories of his toddler hood to look back on when he's older.
I wouldn't normally be so judgemental about anyone else's choices but this post really riled me.

You can’t make sweeping judgments like this based on observing one child 😄
I’ll add my anecdote. When my son was small, he didn’t go to nursery and neither did my friend’s son. He would sit nicely in a cafe while mine wanted to run around and explore.
However, they both settled into school and are now 16 and are both doing well, albeit doing totally different things.
Children have personalities from tiny and some will just sit and observe and some want to be doing stuff. Some are early talkers, walkers, some aren’t. This has bugger all to do with nursery or not (all being equal with pretty good parents and pretty good nursery)

Or Maybe their child has a different personality? On starting school one of my children was in a heap constantly- people kept saying because he’d been in childcare it shouldn’t be this difficult and added to that he’d seen my eldest sail in, had seen the inside of the school etc etc. sometimes it’s just that a child has a different personality

@Omgshesaidthat it seems like you won't be back, as you haven't posted a response since page 2, but you're making it sound like all the other children in your OP have been 'trained', and isn't that one of the things nursery/school does? Social training?

Hi OP, my child isn’t nursery. She will be 2 in at the end of November. She didn’t go to nursery mostly because we moved house 6 weeks after she was born and intended to go back to our house in London after my maternity leave. But we decided to stay at our house in the countryside so she couldn’t get her - waitlists are a year long. And we both work jobs with 12 hour shift patterns so we had a nanny instead.

I hated being back at work so quit - we are older parents so the loss of time with her outweighed the loss of income.

she is a busy girl, music, art, horse riding, mess play etc everyday a different class with a nap at lunchtime and the activity with me in the afternoon and unstructured play when I get dinner going. I also noticed that kids who go to nursery are more regulated, can follow instruction and sit still for story time etc. I haven’t started potty training her but she likes to sit on it. So the potty is moving around the house as a chair!!! :)
I don’t think she is ready as she doesn’t know when she is having a wee but if the consensus on her is that it should be done before 2 I will give it ago…
she does start preschool at the private school she will be going too. (fees paid and a place confirmed) but I do wonder if it’s too late…so the may be something in your observations that ring true like in my case but I do think kids are so different in their development! There was a 16 month old in my toddlers class who isn’t walking, she was pulling up on things/people/ so it’s just a matter of time. I remember a long haul flight when my child was 16 months and I didn’t take a buggy or baby carrier and she walked through Heathrow and Dubai airport for our connecting flights!!! They really so develop at their own pace!!

But I think the differences aren't academic. They are things like sitting on the carpet with everyone else, sitting a certain way cross legged or whatever, that expectation to stop and listen, being able to take their own coat off, find their peg and know to come back again , identify their name etc etc. There is definitely some truth to this but it's not the case for ALL children. There will always be children who didn't go to nursery but were still independent and "institutionalised" or school readyby the time they started Reception.

Do what ever makes you feel better about your choice but at 2 you have no idea about how your child will turn out. Turn it around & imagine the stay at home mum making a similar comment about your nursery cared for child. Don’t try & make your self feel better by slagging other peoples choices

It's not going to be obvious and no one is going to care who could parrot back the alphabet at 2 and who couldn't when the kids are 8+.

I get the argument for starting reception, but that doesn't last long.

One of my kids could copy in beautiful cursive at 3 as she sat in on her older siblings practicing. By 7, speed had become far more interesting and important than pretty penmanship. At 17, she communicates much like her friends with emojis and gifs. I neither know or care what her friends were able to do at 2-3.

A securely attached child who has attentive parents encouraging and guiding them at home will be "school ready".
The main difference in the meantime is your friend will be doing things at a pace that suits her and her child.

FWIW my eldest was in nursery full-time from 6 months and had a bumpy start to school. DD2 went to playschool 2-3 mornings a week from 3years and generally had a much better time of it...

In some countries children don't start learning their numbers or letters until 6 or 7 and apparently this does not in any way hinder their academic attainment in later years. For some reason in the UK we are obsessed with 2 year olds knowing their alphabet and numbers. Your friend's child is probably just enjoying doing his/her thing. I don't think it's a sign of anything. In the nursery children learn to behave in a group setting and conform to expectations ie they need to be potty trained partly because it's inconvenient if they're not.

What a load of nonsense OP, are you saying this to make your self feel better about your decision to send your child to nursery?
Nursery does not give your child an advantage, read the research.

There’s been some interesting research into children in childcare settings versus those at home in relation to fight or flight responses and how they regulate their stress levels.

jeez they're 2! come back when they're 12 and tell me whether you can tell the difference.

glad you got to feel smug that you work for a living and so made better parenting choices and your 2 year old is so much better than her 2 year old 🙄

but you're not talking about no nursery up until reception age, which is much rather and yes probably is noticeable at that point. you're talking about a single 2 year old proving how much better your kid is at 2 they're so grown up and clever already

Such a judgemental post! Lots of pros and cons to nurseries. I'm a children's nurse and constantly surprised by what parents expect of such young children. I imagine your friends child is reaching all of their milestones (the range varies hugely). It's good for children to explore their environment and 'do their own thing' rather than just learn to sit down and do as their told. My eldest just started primary and didn't attend preschool until 3 and he's well able to follow instructions, line up, self care etc. In the past no one went to nursery and a much higher percentage of the population were "school ready" at 4/5 than now. Childhood anxiety also at all time high which shows something isn't quite right. Many studies have shown those that attend nurseries from a young age have higher cortisol levels and are less confident than their peers.

You really do not read any other posts do you. You have an example of ONE child. They are only 2, I am sure this boy is 'a lot better's in something compared to your child. You sound very judgy over a 2 year old! They develop at such different rates. Quite unpleasant to read your post OP. I suggest you do tell your friend your opinion of her boy so she is aware of who you are.

He’s 2!!!!

It’s not exactly a big sample is it 🙄 ask anyone who works at a nursery and they’ll tell you about children who are exactly like that at nursery! Your post makes you sound quite dim as well as judgy.

Or fake. God this place is getting so boring!

I don't get the importance of sitting still in a group at 2. Being in one room with staff and lots of other 2 year olds, all day where you don't get any 1-1 attention. When my child was 2 the day went like this. Breakfast with older siblings then walk to school and getting attention from a mix of children all ages in the playground. Depending on the day we did a mix of things after, swimming, park, visiting an elderly relative in a care home where they got lots of attention, toddler group, weekly shop, all real live situations. Then home for lunch, 30 mins cuddling up to me while we read picture book then a nap in his own bed. Afternoon consisted of playing independently and exploring. Paddling pool if hot, digging in the garden and watering flowers. Engaging with me doing puzzles, helping bake, playing together, sometimes a friend came round with their toddler. Most importantly down time where the 2 yeR old does exactly what they want. Then back to school for pickup, more interaction with lots of kids from lots of different ages, once a week watching older child play football while also playing with the other toddlers there. Then back home with siblings. All of these things are important in a child development. Sitting still in the same room all day with virtually zero 1-1 attention not so much.

Nobody should feel guilty, everyone has to do what works for their family, but you really can't draw conclusions from such a small group and at such a young age. It would be interesting to see where they all are post 16.

I'm laughing because I remember when my eldest started school, it was noticeable that the children who went to the local nursery were feral compared to those that had been to preschool and been with parents, grandparents or childminders. I think that was an issue with that specific nursery though rather than nurseries in general.

Absolute rubbish, neither of mine went to nursery until there were 3. I took them out nearly everyday, playgroups, petting farms, soft plays, they saw and experienced much more of the world than children in nursery from 8am to 6pm.
Children develop differently, some parents do a lot, some not so much so, I’m sure there is also a huge difference between one nursery provider and another.

My girls are grown now, lots of my friends had babies at similar times, some raised entirely by parents, some attended nursery.

They have all developed into great young adults regardless of what their early years looked like.

for me I am very happy I was able to spend those years at home full time, I have a friend who admits it would of driven her insane.

Each to their own really but I know with certainty that my children were not disadvantaged by being home with me
as Little ones