To think it’s obvious which children don’t attend nursery?

[Omgshesaidthat]

I met up with a group of mum friends yesterday and it just got me thinking how to me it’s so obvious when a child doesn’t go to nursery.

From the group, only one mum didn’t go back to work after her maternity leave - at the time I felt quite envious but seeing her boy compared to the rest of the group now they are all 2 has made me think that I’m not actually so sure that being at home is such a good thing.

For example he’s not potty trained yet whereas the rest of the group are well on their way or totally dry and his speech is nowhere near as good as the others - even with things like numbers & alphabet, DD is parroting it all back to me whereas this little boy isn’t yet.

We did an organised activity and all the other children in the group sat nicely & listened and then participated whereas my friend’s boy just did his own thing the whole time.

My friend is a good mum and she does take him to playgroup and sets up little activities for him at home so it’s not like he’s just sat doing nothing all day. But it just felt quite apparent that you can’t recreate that nursery setting at home and the impact of children being in that environment and surrounded by other children is huge for their development.

Do you just feel abit guilty and bitter that you send your child to a nursery and your freind doesnt? Cause thats what im seeing here.

Yup. In our circle of friends you could see at a glance the children who hadn't gone to nursery. The difference was also obvious in reception year.

What I have learnt over 4+ years and 2 kids is that assumptions like this tend to come back and bite you in the arse.
Better just to keep it to yourself and hope that you don’t end up eating your words!

Agree.

Could always post from the other side: "You can see which children attend nursery. They don't seem as attached to their mother and don't explore and use their imagination as much. They just sit there together like all the spirit has been crushed out of them like compliant robots."

I don't think that but who knows what the other mother is thinking?

This - and I ran a major early years project working with hundreds of settings and thousands of staff and kids.

My son adores rules, routine and structure, so nursery is just right for him. But "good for their development" is not the same as "makes them really compliant which is dead useful".

And it's easy to dismiss the difference because if they'd stayed with you at home, they would still have learned a lot from you. The correlation is that as an involved parent who works, you have the income to invest in your child and you value that progress.

There are various observable differences between kids from different backgrounds, but none of them are very significant compared to poverty and general developmental aptitudes.

Back when kids stayed at home until they started school, no child started school in nappies! So while I used nurseries for my kids, and am definitely not saying all mums/dads should look after their own kids instead of working, you can't use one child as an example of SAHMs not preparing kids for school properly.

Yabu my child has similar behaviours but attended nursery from 8m, wasn't potty trained til almost 4y though many of his friends were by 3y, but talks well and counts ok. Hates reading and writing despite various different skill attempts..loves books though.

Some children just have different needs.

You can't recreate the incredible importance of being cared for by your mother as an infant either. There are good and bad in every choice and part of being a parent is wondering every day if you did right or wrong by your kids. You shouldn't be so quick to feel smug when you don't yet have any idea of the damage you may have caused your child by making the other choice.

OP are you OK? Are you a bit jealous of your friend who is able to stay at home with her baby? Because that’s what I’m reading into this, and there’s no need for it. All your children will develop at different rates and in different ways and be absolutely fine, don’t worry. They will all have different personalities. Wind your neck in and focus on your own baby. You’ve only just begun, trust me.

YABU.
Please re-read your post and have a think about the fact you’re comparing 2 years olds and judging your friends parenting levels/decisions, whilst feeling high and mighty about your own. Odd behaviour.

My daughter, just turned 4, only started school nursery this September. Her talking has improved but I don’t think that’s necessarily a because it’s nursery, it’s just there is more kids talking. My friends 2 kids, similar age, were better at talking but they have large families.

My daughter can recognise come colours as written words. Great with numbers and colours, matching, sorting. She definitely hasn’t been missing out by not being at nursery. She was also potty trained by 2 1/2.

I think the time I have spent with my daughter, bonding and learning together, definitely outweighs any thing she is “behind” at in nursery.

My eldest was toilet trained at 22 months. Overnight. She took off her nappy, climbed up on the big toilet, and that was that forever. She just picked it up from observation and I didn't even have to try. Nothing to do with nursery or not nursery. (She hadn't been to nursery at all).

My grandson is at a Swedish nursery- he’s 2 1/2.

This is so ignorant 🙄

Maybe educate yourself about children development.

(childREN. Not your single sample of 1).

Yes my 17 year old was on the "slower" side didn't go to nursery until he was 3 and hardly went to playgroup because at the time we lived rurally and we didn't have a car he is has just sat his LNAT and is doing early entry to Oxford uni he had straight 9s in his GCSEs he's looking at 3 Astars in his alevels , my other 4 children again didn't go to nursery didn't really go to playgroup and developed totally differently, for example my fifth child was saying clear words at 13 months where as my 3rdchild didn't really start talking until close to 3 ( went to speech and language but they wasn't to concerned) my 4th and 2nd children have additional needs but my point is children develop differently at their own speed .

sil is a sahm but bil insisted their ds went to nursery 2 short days a week despite sil anxiety about it. He refused to budge as he’s a primary deputy head and knew the difference was significant in dc starting school who haven’t been to a nursery setting.

That said, my dtds didn’t go to nursery until age 3 (couldn’t afford 3 in nursery) and were potty trained just after their 2nd birthday so that’s not related to nursery just lazy parenting mostly, or a lack of awareness what the signs are and leaving it too late so it becomes harder.

I mean a child isn’t just words typed out so without meeting them wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly but honestly, I would say there is a high potential for SEND which changes things. It’s not an exact science it’s just my many years working in early years and what I’ve experienced. I’m guessing from your tone your child did go to a nursery. So tell me, why wasn’t your child toilet trained when they started school?

An observation of one child. I’m surprised you decided to make a thread about your theory about one child.

There is a flip side. Children in nursery all day. It's loud noisy over stimulating. There is no down time it's go go go all day.
staff are overwhelmed with children with additional needs or children attacking others they don't have time for the other children. It's awful to be honest. In today's society stay at home till age three is the best. Nursery staff have lots of children to watch not just one.
i could tell you horror stories the amount of time children get out or get left outside is incredible. Hence why I left the job

So what if there’s a difference at 2? They’re still babies at that age. All 3 of mine were at home until 3, when they started preschool 5 mornings a week. We did do toddler groups, music groups etc before this, just for socialising.

There was no great difference between them and their peers who had been at full time nursery, and they coped really well, even though one was very young for her year. None could read (past a few words/their name) but this was true of most all the children starting in reception.

I’m so glad I was lucky enough to be able to have my kids at home with me for their first few years. We spent many hours talking, reading stories, playing in the park, baking, doing crafts, playing with their cousins and family friends. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

i don’t believe there was a difference developmentally between my kids and those who went to nursery. But even if there was, so what? They all get there in the end - mine all went to super-selective grammar schools, despite the OPs idea of a disadvantaged start in life (although I understand there is some research that shows that very young children attending nursery is actually a disadvantage - not a criticism, just pointing out that nursery for babies/one-year-olds may not be the advantage the OP believes it to be)

My DC went to nursery from babyhood and I think hands down being at home is better for babies. I felt bad and saw no benefit to them being in nursery.

From toddlerhood it’s different and I think a balance of at home and a couple of nursery days is great for them. In the days where many mums stayed at home and lived next door to family, and kids played out I think being at home would have been great. These days I’m sure it won’t be as sociable for many young toddlers who don’t have that village around them.

My son knows way more than his little friends who went to nursery full time, he learnt all his phonics etc from me. (Age 3).

My son was in nursery from 9 months, didn’t potty train fully until almost 3.5, had slight speech delay but is now 5, in year 1 and on the same level(it appears) as his peers - every child is different and the children you are talking about are only 2, I don’t think at that age it’s obvious

The peer on peer violence was a big part of why we waited until our toddler was 2.5. He goes to a small preschool now with low ratios. Thankfully he has never had to experience any kind of violence. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to care for so many children. I feel like I have my hands full with just the one!