To think it’s obvious which children don’t attend nursery?

[Omgshesaidthat]

I met up with a group of mum friends yesterday and it just got me thinking how to me it’s so obvious when a child doesn’t go to nursery.

From the group, only one mum didn’t go back to work after her maternity leave - at the time I felt quite envious but seeing her boy compared to the rest of the group now they are all 2 has made me think that I’m not actually so sure that being at home is such a good thing.

For example he’s not potty trained yet whereas the rest of the group are well on their way or totally dry and his speech is nowhere near as good as the others - even with things like numbers & alphabet, DD is parroting it all back to me whereas this little boy isn’t yet.

We did an organised activity and all the other children in the group sat nicely & listened and then participated whereas my friend’s boy just did his own thing the whole time.

My friend is a good mum and she does take him to playgroup and sets up little activities for him at home so it’s not like he’s just sat doing nothing all day. But it just felt quite apparent that you can’t recreate that nursery setting at home and the impact of children being in that environment and surrounded by other children is huge for their development.

What an absolute dickhead you sound 🤣

Do you think children who don't go to nursery just sit and spend all their time with mum. My child had plenty of socialising through regular playgroups, knew how to share and was very confident socially. When they started reception and I helped out at times I was shocked at the fights and squabbles amongst the reception children, the vast majority who has been in the school nursery together.

So what if there’s a difference? Doesn’t automatically make it bad. What if I said that there’s a clear difference in parents’ relationships with children that DID go to nursery - such as not as close?

My daughter never spent a day at nursery. Her place was at home with her mother, as it should be.

She was talking at 9 months and when she went to preschool they said she was “very advanced for her age.”

She’s a summer baby but top of school (yes, school) in mathematics.

As devil's advocate as someone that works in education is glaringly obvious who attends childcare 10 hours a day as they get further through school too.

My older children didn't go to nursery and were potty trained by 2 and 3. My younger 2 were 3 and 4 who did go to nursery. One of them has speech difficulties wouldn't have made a difference if went to nursery or not.

Theres some truth in kids that go to nursery have more opportunity to develop in certain areas, but socially and emotionally are often different as haven't had the one to one time.
I think all of your children are going to be fine.

I've witnessed the opposite.
The children brought up by their parent in a loving environment with lots of devotion and attention have hit their milestones early.

The children put in nursery as babies and were part of a room full of other babies with staff who are too stretched to even work at ratio took a while longer.

Well done, you are raising sheep. She isn't.

You are jealous you have to go to work and she doesn't. So you are taking it upon yourself to put down a 2 year old 😂😂😂

Dear oh dear OP 🤣

You are saying a 2 year old acts like a baby 😏 2 year olds are babys. They don't need to sit still in a circle with each other, that's not a skill they need at 2. They need to be discovering, playing and acting like a 2 year old, not a 4-5 year old in a reception classroom. Let them be babies, it passed so quick and you are at risk of them missing vital stages of development if you rush their development.

You know capitalism has really won out when we start to believe that nursery is essential and preferable for child development! Developmentally, that wandering little boy is EXACTLY what he should be - restless, curious, full of movement.

Read Dan Wuori's beautiful book The Daycare Myth, about how the rise of very early child education is directly linked to workforce planning needs. Those early years of movement & creative free play (as opposed to obeying and sitting) are essential to overall child development. And having consistent long hours daily access to the attachment of your main caregiver through those years is always preferable. Yet it suits society to separate parents from very young children for very long days - hence childcare models. For the vast majority of human history, little kids have not been asked to conform to the expectations placed on nursery kids now.

From three plus, My kids went to a fantastic nature based nursery. I'm not anti nursery ( I am anti long days in them) but any suggestion that kids are better in them than at home with a functioning parent is a capitalists dream statement!

Finally, of course primary school teacher prefer conditioned children. Of course they see a difference, that doesn't mean there hasn't been a cost to the child, nor should preparing children for long days sitting be the object of early childhood development.

The long school day for a four year old is awful in the UK. In Ireland, four, five and six year olds stay 3.5 hours in primary school per day as we know free play and movement is vital for small kids.

Other countries who are further ahead promote movement and play in primary schools. These are education models which promote child development and deliver better educational outcomes. In essence let kids be kids and stop using outdated standards (what age they sit in a circle!), to determine development.

In Ireland, four, five and six year olds stay 3.5 hours in primary school per day

Four hours forty minutes in our school.
I think you’ve lost an hour there somewhere.

Yep. World's gone mad.

Horrible thread op. Judging literal children and comparing them. My 2.5 year old is quite significantly behind, she has just had her referral for asd assessment approved. Even if there wasn’t asd playing a part all children are different and develop at different rates, some will have good speech but not be potty trained or vice versa. You can’t compare them like that. It’s fuck all to do with nursery

OP at 2 my ds didn't share, still sat in a high chair, wasn't potty trained, didn't sit still. He talked in full sentences but lots of 2 year olds carnt and that's normal. When he started reception at 4 he was like a completely different child. He was potty trained, he shared, he cared for the other children and helped them. He didn't go to nursery instead he attended one year of pre school at his school from age 3, when he was developmentally ready for it. The difference in my child between 2 and 4 is because I allowed him to be a baby and toddler, I allowed him to wander, do his own thing and explore, they need this stage of development..my son is now independent and attending university. Don't rush your baby, because that's what they are, a baby, not a 4 year old. Stop putting 4 year old expectations on them.

I find its the other way around! My two didn't go to nursery as I wanted to be a stay at home mum. I noticed a lot of the parents who were working often didn't have control over their children and I'm convinced it's because of mixed messages between home and nursery. Nurseries are very baby proofed, allowing them to roam where they want where as at home they need to learn boundaries and safety. My sister's kids for example jump all over my furniture, it drives me mad as I don't allow my children to do that, I assume they are allowed to climb over stuff all the time at nursery so aren't taught when that's not ok. I also found my kids speech was much more advanced, they were both potty trained at age 2. Your friend's child could just not be ready yet. Mine did go to preschool for 2 mornings per week when they were 3 and I took them to lots of play groups to socialise them. I'm complimented all the time about how good their behaviour is and I'm sure it's because I was consistent, it's been bloody hard work and I was exhausted at the time but it's definitely paid off.

This is a mean post and I don't understand why it's been made.

My DC is in nursery, but he didnt go until he was 2. Prior to that he was more advanced with speaking and communicating than my friend's child in nursery of the same age, she was the one who pointed it out to me. I didn't actually realise, but possibly he had high levels of 121 attention from adults. Who knows.

It also just doesn't matter, all kids end up speaking and using the potty. It all levels out. The hours that child gets to build attachment with their mother is invaluable at a young age. Nursery isnt the be all and end all - I say this as someone who sends their child to one.

And you sound like someone who is trying to justify her choices too!
Research has shown that from age three preschool /nursery can make a difference and in some cases from age 2 , but there is nothing to suggest that going before then makes the slightest difference to a child's development . What matters for babies is that they are cared for by carers who are sensitive, responsive, and genuinely attuned to the child, taking into account their developmental age, stage, and temperament. The setting itself is less important .
Every child is different and parents have to do whatever suits their situation.

My eldest has only just started childcare shortly before turning 3. We didn’t put him in nursery. The difference between him and others is significant. He can count to 30 (actually count, not just reciting numbers), starting to learn to read, advanced communication. Is it because he stayed home with me? Possibly. Is it because he’s just naturally smart and loves to learn? Probably.

His preschool report stated how he seeks out older children and adults to talk to, as fellow 2yr olds don’t have the same depth and understanding of language as he does, so he gets bored trying to talk to them. He is well behaved, sociable and a keen learner.

My youngest who’s 17 months only has fifteen words. Same parents, same environment, same learning opportunities. It’s almost as if each child develops differently. Who’d have thought!

Our friends child who is the same age as our eldest who’s been in nursery since he was 10 months old is more on par development wise with my youngest. Another friend whose child has been in nursery since babyhood and is now 3.5yrs old can read and write very well.

Its all about circumstance isn't it? There is also a discernable difference between different nursery settings and also between different parents.

I attended playgroups that did nothing much for my little one, I've also seen nurseries set up activities that the kids got VERY little from and adult/child interactions within these nurseries that were so lacking, I found it quite hard to watch. I tried sending mine before 3 but in the end I withdrew and tried at different setting at 3. Even after attending this nursery, which I found brilliant in many ways, I've attended group activities with my child where they really didn't want to sit and listen because they're just not that way out (mainly when it's lead by someone who isn't engaging admittedly). Your friend's child's behaviour could just either be personality or a different style of parenting at home that doesn't focus on still and listening as that important. I don't think nursery is the only defining factor.

Incidentally, I've read in a few places that independently attending group settings does have value but this is of most value after the age of 3 and, before that, bonds with caregiver are most important. I'm not saying this is definitely the case because the professionals all differ in opinion don't they! You mention guilt about sending them to nursery though. I don't think anyone should feel guilty - you do what suits your family situation best. It does feel however that in your post, you're flipping it around and suggesting your friend has done her child a disservice by not sending him and I truly don't think this is the case. Especially not by age 2!

You’re ’not being judgey’ but literally passed judgement on what a 2 year old that you saw briefly could or could not do based on what yours could. Also, what you describe isn’t a sign of ‘doing well’, parroting is just that, parroting, it doesn’t mean that they are engaging their brain in a way that means they understand. Being potty trained early doesn’t mean anything, and in fact often children who are engaged in more interesting, one-to-one play are more busy playing so don’t think to use the toilet at first. What you are describing is a group of children that are good at copying, which isn’t ‘advanced’ and actually there are theories that this makes them less able to think and engage independently later on in life. That’s not to say nursery is ‘bad’ btw, just to say that training small children to meet expected standards that don’t actually matter is not the ‘gold standard’ some like to suggest it is

Well said @MyDeepAmberDog I totally agree. Quality is the difference. Quality of the experiences in nursery and of interactions and quality of experiences and interactions at home.

One thing I've noticed as a childcare worker is the difference in children who are brought out in the world by their parents and who are not. To be fair it's not always clear cos some kids just don't notice stuff and aren't advanced enough to recall stories. But there are certain things you'd pick up on. Children who have been to supermarkets and know how to pick products and queue up, children who know to say please and thank you at meal times and have probably been brought to cafes and restaurants. Children who know what animals are native because they have walked in the woods and learned this. You'd be amazed how many think we use dollars and have raccoons in our basement. Half of them speaking in American accents. Also little ones singing Elsa into a hairbrush or whatever and at the end they bow and say 'like and subscribe!'.

I’ve got three kids now and learned very much not to wish away their babyhood. They will all grow up in their own time- it’s not much of a bragging right to rush them on to the next phase. Enjoy your child and let her enjoy hers.

He's 2. A lot of 2 year olds aren't fully potty trained. Bore off with your smug comparisons you're clearly on here looking for everyone to agree that you're such a better parent than your friend. Your friend clearly doesn't need a nasty cow like you judging her parenting. Your next kid may not hit milestones as quick as your current one then you'll soon hopefully choke on your judgment

My school teacher friends can usually tell, but the gap tends to close.as school progresses.

My kids both went to nursery before they were one. One of them still refused to toilet train before 3.5 and didn't walk until he was nearly 2.

Lol apparently it works both ways and some American familes despair of their children talking like Peppa pig!