Men who settle?

[Aperolling28]

Recently I bumped into a guy I had dated 20 years ago and not seen since as I moved abroad. I'm married which he is aware of. We had a coffee and he proceeded to go down the route of trying to instigate some sort of casual sex relationship which I declined. When I asked him what prompted this he came out with a whole story about how he'd met a girl 6 years ago, they had been dating casually for a few months when she became pregnant. They ended up buying a house together 9 months later and moving in just as the baby came. 1 year later she had sex with him on his birthday and became pregnant with baby number 2. I rolled my eyes at this point and thought a likely story. Anyway he said that they never touch each other, don't have sex, he feels stuck but he doesn't want a broken family and plans to get engaged soon. And I just thought is this what guys do when they settle? He wants to keep his happy home life and likes the stability, comfort, being like everyone else and wants to marry some poor woman who is oblivious to his endeavours to cheat on her, describes their relationship as being stuck?

My take is that he is a slime ball in a really quite traditional sense. The classic themes he is coming up with are my wife is not “the one”, there is no sex and the marriage is not really alive (no sex).

The reality is that he is not committed to his relationship and his poor wife probably knows nothing about this. Most of the time IME sex is still happening (though less often after a baby obviously), but he simply wants a bit on the side.

I am amazed that anyone falls for this, but sadly women do.

He didn’t settle. He’s a lying scum bag who wants a side piece. Gross.

You dodged a bullet there OP

He’s probably just a liar. And thinks you are a fool. He couldn’t even be bothered to make up a decent lie. She accidentally got pregnant and then amazingly did so again the only time they had sex!

He didn’t settle, he’s just rewriting the story to convince you to start an affair. Notice how he’s reduced his involvement in the tale, she got pregnant, ended up getting a mortgage, she had sex with him etc he was there for these events, he likely instigated them ffs.

I see no evidence of settling - just cheating.

This feels like the script that cheating men all seem to use.

I think men and women settle. Decanted to cheat, it's a simple as that. I would not be meeting him again

It sounds like she settled for him as much as he settled for her.

It’s sad that he’s found himself in a family situation where he’s not got the ideal love, connection and companionship that we all want, but it’s understandable.
What is he supposed to do at this point? Both people in the couple made the same mistake of allowing a child to be conceived without the best possible relationship in place, yet being the man it’s him that is called the arsehole. They are both aware that the relationship isn’t perfect but that it has its benefits for both them and the existing child. He has done the right thing by staying and taking responsibility for his family.

No, he shouldn’t be looking to for a quick travel fling, and he needs to resign himself to his choice to settle, but he can’t win whatever he does at this point.

I don’t believe him. He wants you to believe he is a complete passive victim in his own life. He has told the story that he thinks is most likely to get your sympathies and lead to sex.

i wonder how many women
he has/will be looking for a 'casual sex' with
my guess is that it won't stop at you
and has asked others prior to you...

I think if you can tell her

I don't think he's settling. I think he just wants a bit on the side and thinks a sob story will help. He's not a victim.

Both people in the couple made the same mistake of allowing a child to be conceived without the best possible relationship in place, yet being the man it’s him that is called the arsehole.

Well... Hetty, if his wife is hitting up old boyfriends complaining about her life and looking for an affair, we don't know about it so we aren't going to criticise her for it. You surely do realise that an OW gets more hate on here than ten cheating men, Hetty.

However, he seems to think he can win if he keeps his oh so terrible life, with his wife and kids, but just shags another person on the side who he doesn't give much of a shit about either. What does that tell us, Hetty?

If he didn't want any more children he could have prevented that.

He sounds awful.

My money is also on him lying. I bet the way he describes his relationship would be news to his poor wife!

Yes i can quite believe all of those theories. I have no idea who is partner is and have no intention of telling her. I live in another country and have done so for a long time.
Now on reflection I suspect he is one of those guys that looks for opportunities to cheat. I remember visiting home a few years ago and I saw someone who resembled him in a cafe but a much older and less attractive version of him vs my memory of him. I thought it must be someone else, didn't think much of it. And a few hours later a friend request popped up on Facebook from him. I accepted but didn't contact him- why would I. Didn't think anything of it. Then at the beginning of this year he added me on instagram. Now when I think about it, there are no photos of his partner or children on his social media. Clearly he portrays himself as a single available man. I wonder how his partner feels about that. Think I'd have red flags popping up everywhere.

Sounds like a twist on the classic “my wife doesn’t understand me” to get a shag.

He just wants a bit on the side. Dont fall for his lies !

Oh I'm not falling for it. I'm married and live abroad. I think it was more that I couldn't wrap my head around it. Thankfully I only had 1 date with him over 20 years ago and thought he was exactly this type of guy so never saw him again.

No twist at all. This is roots stuff, exactly what it always was.

He hasn’t settled, he has actively chosen. He chose to be in a relationship, chose to have sex without or without adequate contraception, chose to stay, chose to buy a house (nobody ‘ends up’ buying a house ffs!) and to live together. I’m not saying that he must therefore love the life he has, or that the alternatives were good choices, but he is living a life he has actively chosen at every stage.

If he is feeling as if his life is not really his, that it’s not what he wanted, and that the only reaction he can make is to cheat relentlessly on his wife, then he should consider therapy.

Alternatively, he actually has a life he likes quite a lot and loves his wife, he just wants a bit of extra excitement on the side. No doubt he would tell his wife if she ever found out, or if she’s found out about the previous 5 times he has done this, that you stalked him on social media, came on to him, that you ‘wouldn’t leave him alone’ and that he was a bit worried you were unstable and that ‘one thing led to another’. He’d probably try to persuade you not to make him use a condom. And then he’d tell her you ‘fell pregnant’ (hate that phrase). And she’d take him back because he is suuuuuuuch a poor victim.

@PermanentTemporary I don't know him well enough to determine his thought process but I don't think he chose this life. I get the feeling he's a passive person that has allowed life to happen and run with it. They were both living with their parents before they moved in together with him being a good few years older. I can think of quite a few guys who are similar. Think the analogy I often see on here is guys being like taxis, light is off for years and then suddenly there's a window where it's on and which ever girl gets in, is the one. Albeit unlucky one in this case. In the 3 guys that I know they have all been around 38 and the women are always younger.

Oh yes, I think we’ve all come across this type before. Portraying themselves as helpless victims in their own lives, as if things just happened to them instead of them making choices that led them there.
His choice of words is just a slightly sanitised version of calling his wife ‘the old ball and chain’ and referring to her as a nagging wife.
Gross.
I’m glad you saw through his nonsense right away, OP!

Sorry OP, I posted my message before reading your latest post.
These passive men irritate me no end. I’m willing to bet that he thinks he’s superior to women, yet can’t seem to make a decision for himself. I saw some guy on instagram describe these types of men as plastic bags floating down a river. Nice analogy and makes complete sense.
Very lazy, plus they get to blame other people when things go wrong.