Men who settle?

[Aperolling28]

Recently I bumped into a guy I had dated 20 years ago and not seen since as I moved abroad. I'm married which he is aware of. We had a coffee and he proceeded to go down the route of trying to instigate some sort of casual sex relationship which I declined. When I asked him what prompted this he came out with a whole story about how he'd met a girl 6 years ago, they had been dating casually for a few months when she became pregnant. They ended up buying a house together 9 months later and moving in just as the baby came. 1 year later she had sex with him on his birthday and became pregnant with baby number 2. I rolled my eyes at this point and thought a likely story. Anyway he said that they never touch each other, don't have sex, he feels stuck but he doesn't want a broken family and plans to get engaged soon. And I just thought is this what guys do when they settle? He wants to keep his happy home life and likes the stability, comfort, being like everyone else and wants to marry some poor woman who is oblivious to his endeavours to cheat on her, describes their relationship as being stuck?

Yes, this is definitely a thing. They include friends of their sisters, exes of their friends from 30 years ago, girls who were at their school, women they new briefly from work or a social group. Look them up on SM.
Make a list and start at the top saying they could never stop thinking about them over the last 30 years, do you want to meet up.
Yes, I am married, but we lead separate lives now and are just together for our 8, and 5 year olds and our twin boys and the baby we are expecting.
But you were the one that got away, number 12, I mean Tracey, sorry I know you're Stacey. Not interested? OK.
Is your sister still Brunette? I always felt we had a special connection but were just too young to be together. Do you have her number?😂

Was he trying to test how naive you are by suggesting.. I’m trapped with her there’s no real feeling like I have with you, like he thought that might make you feel special enough to have sex with him?

Guys like him probably do. The type that is still a creep using the sympathy card to get a quicky out of another woman.
The second baby story is classic "My partner neglected my needs".
They're usually lacking in something, trauma or a broken home.
My ex was like this. I met him randomly after twenty years in a shopping centre, he was flirting, starring at my body, still a creep.
His ex is also neglecting him.
I thanked my lucky stars walking away for my confident quiet comfortable DH.

You know, sometimes I do think men "settle" if that's the right word, or find someone "comfortable". It's horrible but I see it a lot. My brother for example always went out with quite glamorous women (by a shallow pov) but he quite quickly married, had a child with a lovely girl who isn't he's normal type. By no means do I think she is less than these other women but it felt strange. I have seen it over and over. These men usually still have roaming eyes too.

I think him and his soon to be fiancé are both idiots. Contraception is free.

but he quite quickly married, had a child with a lovely girl who isn't he's normal type.

Assuming the prompt marriage came over 9 months before the child I'd say that's pretty good evidence he genuinely wanted to be married to her.

Are they happy together?

I used to work with a man who wanted to be married at 30. He told me the plan was to marry whatever girlfriend he had at 30. And he did. I’m sure there was a little more planning that went into it, but being married at 30 was the aim regardless

I'm sure it happens occasionally, but that's very different to what the OP is describing.

It often does with men who caused an “unplanned” pregnancy though. I’m sure we all know people in our circle who have unthinkingly ended up having a baby then got married after? That’s what I think the settling is, it just sort of happened because they were tied with a baby

Everything about his story smells like BS though. They only had sex on his birthday.

Why not? She's ovulating and initiates a birthday treat after not being up for it for ages. Plausible.

I've never heard the term settling used in that context but whatever term you want to use it's entirely consistent with the OP's tale of woe.

Love the quotes around "unplanned" as well!

This instance is even worse than settling - it's stuck!