Men who settle?

[Aperolling28]

Recently I bumped into a guy I had dated 20 years ago and not seen since as I moved abroad. I'm married which he is aware of. We had a coffee and he proceeded to go down the route of trying to instigate some sort of casual sex relationship which I declined. When I asked him what prompted this he came out with a whole story about how he'd met a girl 6 years ago, they had been dating casually for a few months when she became pregnant. They ended up buying a house together 9 months later and moving in just as the baby came. 1 year later she had sex with him on his birthday and became pregnant with baby number 2. I rolled my eyes at this point and thought a likely story. Anyway he said that they never touch each other, don't have sex, he feels stuck but he doesn't want a broken family and plans to get engaged soon. And I just thought is this what guys do when they settle? He wants to keep his happy home life and likes the stability, comfort, being like everyone else and wants to marry some poor woman who is oblivious to his endeavours to cheat on her, describes their relationship as being stuck?

I have a work colleague who’s now 50. I’ve known him 10+ years. He’s a player. Always on the lookout yet claims women are always chasing him, which they are to an extent as he’s good looking, slim, looks in his 30s, and always makes it known to women he has money.

He’s basically a Narc. He prides himself on having women in every country. He’s got 5 kids via 5 different women. He’s cheated on every gf he’s had.

He’s a chronic flirt, low level sex addict. When I ask him why he doesn’t make a go of it with some of his baby mammas and he says he always thinks something better is round the corner.

He’s never married and can’t hold down a relationship. He think he’ll lose all his money if he marries. But he does string along women all the time.

He said he wants more kids but he has no hand in bringing up his kids, he runs off and just pays alimony.

He has no interest in wearing condoms. It’s all about the thrill of the chase. His gfs are using 20 years younger than him.

I see him ending up alone with a Thai sex worker when he’s older. And I think the only time he’ll see his multiple kids is when they want money.

There must be just so many men like him to refuse to settle down with one woman as they bore easily and want their cake and eat it.

I actually feel sorry for the guy. We really should put ourselves in his shoes. Imagine just being in the vicinity of a woman (that you are grudgingly 'sort of friendly with'), but then, to everyone's surprise and horror', your 'twig and berries' accidentally fall out your trews, you trip over, and land on top of her!' To make matters worse, your appendage has managed to insert itself into her vagina and impregnate her! Not only that, but it happens twice to the 'poor' man, who is naturally, an unassuming 'victim of circumstances' in all this. You were just incredibly lucky he was steady on his feet when you had coffee with him the other day!

what doesn't make sense is despite all his complaints

he "plans to get engaged soon" !!!

Just another condom refuser, they get everywhere

poor woman with his kids oblivious to his slimy ways
happy to cheat on her, insitigate sex with other women
please let her know if you know who she is
she deserves better than this dirty disgusting man
who is probably playing happy families at home
and he will likely carry on

When I asked him what prompted this he came out with a whole story about how he'd met a girl 6 years ago, they had been dating casually for a few months when she became pregnant. They ended up buying a house together 9 months later and moving in just as the baby came. 1 year later she had sex with him on his birthday and became pregnant with baby number 2. I rolled my eyes at this point and thought a likely story.

I 100% believe every word. It's a very common situation. And he didn't "settle", he was trapped. He is stuck.

Of course that's not a reason to become his fuck buddy, but I don't think that's why you're asking.

Because he wants his kids to have married parents. Perhaps also for a quiet life.

I would bet my house that if she'd said she was having an abortion he'd have punched the air and there would be no marriage.

If he wanted this situation the marriage would have come before the children not after.

It's called "baby trapping" for a reason.

Yeah, to blame the woman when a man doesn't use a condom and the entirely predictable happens.

I think his story is highly plausible and very common.

Happy to leave the assessment of blame (if any) to you.

Many men want a double life: a nice wife and kids at home to look after him and make him look/feel like a decent man and something on the side exclusively for them to feed their ego. That's not settling, it's having their cake and eating it.

that is just nonsense
he is responsible for getting her pregnant !

what I actually meant was, despite the hard time he claims to be having in the relationship he wants to get "engaged soon" !

he doesn't need to do that does he?
if things are so bad with her like he says....

It's a strange move for someone complaining about that like he is isn't he.

Congratulations OP, you have just been an (unwilling) recipient of The Script- designed to make you feel sorry for him, and to minimise both his own agency, and his own awful behaviour. He’s not settled, he’s just a serial cheater who’s got his patter off pat to the extent that he can roll it at any opportunity (such as unexpectedly meeting someone for a coffee.) I was once an unwilling recipient of this from an old, much older colleague after running into them IN THE STREET! 🤮
It’s a bit like how abusers have ways of concealing it in the early days; so do serial cheats. I’d lay good money on the fact that of course he’s still having sex with his partner, and also that she be horrified and bewildered at his description of their relationship if she ever heard it.

I've had exes contact me years later to say I was the one that got away. I just imagined they were working through their old flames one by one to see if anyone fell for it. OP, that man didn't settle - he's trying it on.

If he wanted to be married for his own sake he'd have got married before the kids arrived, not after, any sane women would insist on that too.

AFAIC it's entirely plausible that he's getting married to provide his kids with a stable childhood and/or because she really wants to be married and is putting the pressure on.

"The script": If men are all saying the same thing, either there's a conspiracy of men agreeing to use the same lie, or in the bulk of cases it's absolutely bloody true!

Women frequently say "men only want one thing". So when a man says he's didn't really want kids and he didn't really want marriage it is highly likely to be true.

I don’t think it’s what guys who settle do. I think it’s a story this guy spun when he wanted to have sex with you. He sounds delightful.

does not matter, it is not a justifcation if according to you she wants the engagement/to be married and not him
he is looking to get engaged to her all whilst having casual sex with other women
why he is doing that and asking other women for casual sex?
it is not ok to be doing that AT ALL whether getting engaged is because she/he wants it.

I'm saying his story is plausible and common in response to the OP and others who were skeptical.

If you don't think that matters great, but that's what the thread is about.

I think its just what would be cheats do. He's telling you a story that makes him the victim of misfortune with an unhappy life, but too 'decent' to shirk his responsibilities, so you'll feel sympathy and that he's a nice guy and have sex with him.
In reality his partner is just as likely to be lovely and they have a healthy sex life and he's as happy as a pig in muck. Just greedy and entitled and thought he'd shoot his shot at you.

A man who handballs contraception to the woman, does not take the precaution he can, and then feels victimised when the completely obvious happens and it's no longer his decision what comes next as it's not his body? Of course that's plausible. Sorry, didn't realise anyone doubted that that happens.

As for your very generous permission for me to think that's not an evil mastermind plan by the woman equivalent to a snare trap against a poor innocent... why, thank you!

However, I don't appreciate your sudden claim not to be apportioning blame, given you were explicitly blaming the woman in the previous post by calling it "trapping". Perhaps a man who believes himself so stupid that he thinks he can be "trapped" by sex like a net should stop having it.

It's possible he did 'settle' but, as others have said, this also sounds like what someone who's looking for an easy bit on the side would say.

That's what he says, i'm sure her account would be radically different

Maybe he has settled and isn't happy, that still doesn't mean it's ok to cheat.

In my experience, if these men put as much effort into their relationship as they do trying to get sex on the side or a full blown affair, then the majority of relationships would actually be fine and they won't have 'settled' for anything.
They are quite prepared to be well groomed, supportive, fun, have proper conversations, arange things to do, be generous and understanding and spontaneous with someone they want to shag, but just become lazy, judgemental and boring with the mother of their children. Then they wonder why their home life is mundane and they have 'settled' for this.

I went on a handful of dates with a man decades ago (2 decades to be precise) and he started messaging m a few years back to see how I am and wanted to go for a coffee (wink wink nudge nudge) and aside from the fact he is 'unhappily married' his wife is a minor celebritity but one I could easily contact at any time and mention his proposals towards me. It is ridiculously stupid of these men and it really is only a notch to add to their bedposts. When he messaged me first he was saying it was our friendship he missed the most - friendship? After 3 dates? Romanticising shit like that is literally love bombing and gaslighting.

I think many (most even?) men and women “settle”
besides that getting someone you barely know pregnant points to a lack of self respect and care so these people are more likely to be focused on sex without consequence, making them more likely to cheat.