Men who settle?

[Aperolling28]

Recently I bumped into a guy I had dated 20 years ago and not seen since as I moved abroad. I'm married which he is aware of. We had a coffee and he proceeded to go down the route of trying to instigate some sort of casual sex relationship which I declined. When I asked him what prompted this he came out with a whole story about how he'd met a girl 6 years ago, they had been dating casually for a few months when she became pregnant. They ended up buying a house together 9 months later and moving in just as the baby came. 1 year later she had sex with him on his birthday and became pregnant with baby number 2. I rolled my eyes at this point and thought a likely story. Anyway he said that they never touch each other, don't have sex, he feels stuck but he doesn't want a broken family and plans to get engaged soon. And I just thought is this what guys do when they settle? He wants to keep his happy home life and likes the stability, comfort, being like everyone else and wants to marry some poor woman who is oblivious to his endeavours to cheat on her, describes their relationship as being stuck?

Exactly @cantthinkofagoodusername2026 it all seemed quite tragic. I also think if was able to initiate that kind of conversation with someone he hadn't seen for 20 years God knows what he's messaging girls in the area. And I feel sorry for his partner who probably has no idea.

Exactly what I was going to say.

I expect some do, some don't.

I would be very interested to hear the wife's side of the story. I wouldn't feel sad for him until I knew exactly what happened. It sounds like the classic lines you get from men who want an affair. I pity the women who fall for this bullshit.

He hasn’t settled. He’s an opportunist. He’s perfectly happy (or as happy as he’ll ever be) with his partner. What he told you about the accidental pregnancy and sticking around to do the decent think is a standard line he’s using to get his dick wet.

You weren’t a “what things have been” or a connection he just needed to release him for a few moments from his life. You were there so he thought he’d give it a crack-because that’s what he does

Passivity is a choice.

And when it came to looking for an affair, he's clearly capable of being very proactive. I'm also sure there would have been women closer to his own age who would have dated him. And if he didn't want children, would that not have been a more sensible choice?

Are you going to unfriend him on social media @Aperolling28 ?

I think women are just as likely as men to settle. But perhaps less likely to tell people they've done that.

Bit odd/desperate to try and embark on a casual fling with someone who lives overseas. I suppose for these men its a numbers game and they will try their luck. I wonder if it was also about trying to seek validation, a reminder of who he was in the past, especially given that he now looks like Shrek and used to be a handsome man.
It did make me think though that there are men that see marriage as a box ticking exercise, the next step. He plans to get engaged despite behaving like a total pig.

lol this is just a variation of 'My wife doesn't understand me'

Ha I think the angle was "my partner doesn't have sex with me" except for the 2 times where she miraculously fell pregnant. @Lozlegs

Don't believe his lies. He is trying to sell you a sob story to justify him wanting to have a sexual relationship with you. Take what he says with a pinch of salt.

Bit odd/desperate to try and embark on a casual fling with someone who lives overseas.

Makes perfect sense. Had it worked as he'd hoped, you'd have shagged him and then disappeared abroad forever. Makes things far more convenient.

This.

As a married woman, what were you hoping to get out of going for a coffee with an ex? Hopefully at least an ego stroke now he spent what sounds like ages telling you very private and negative things about his wife? Now you’re posting about it asking strangers if what he said may be true and so what if it is, you’re going to cheat to help your ex feel a little better about his sad, sad life with his wife and children?

and no, it’s not true imo. He’s hoping for a cheap shag because he clearly is the type who has no morals and is attracted to the same too and just thinks/knows you’re easy. At the end of the day what message did you send by doing this whole let’s get cosy with the ex and slag off his young family whilst apparently being married?

didn’t want to disillusion your pleasure here but that’s the reality. Also, what did your husband think of your ex’s idea for you to have sex with him and your ex’s sad life story? Is he sympathetic?

Of course he didn't tell you they are wildly in love and he is a serial cheater, hardly going to get you to drop your keks is it?

Men settle in general when they want someone to look after them. Often going straight from one relationship to another without pausing to think. The more the woman is willing to do for them and forgive them the better. They certainly don't think about who would be the best person for their personality type to live with or what their kids would benefit from having each of them as a parent - forward thinking isn't something these types of guys do. Most of the men I know are punching, honestly with women who look (maybe are) younger, with good jobs who do the housework and cook and often let them go out to hobbies and the pub most evenings of the week. These men do not expect to share the load in any situation.

100 percent

@SomethingYum he's not an ex. I went on 1 date with him 20 years ago and we had alot of mutual friends/are from same home town. I bumped into him in a coffee shop in my home town whilst he was with a mutual friend. The friend left and we carried on chatting having a coffee. There was nothing to suggest he was going to go down this opportunistic shagging route and I was taken aback. I did not partake in slagging off his ex or really say anything - he just unloaded it all. I also don't think I give off any "easy vibes" I don't post on social media, I don't do anything to suggest that.

You don't need to justify yourself to that person and their ridiculous post.

That’s not what settling is. That’s a failure to use contraception.

Settling is a choice, not an unplanned pregnancy.

I don’t think he settled. He’s just a sleaze and coming out with the same nonsense all men do when they want to convince a woman to be their side piece. They ALL have the same story.

I think what that poster was saying is this script is as old as time. It’s so obvious, I’m a nice guy, but settled with someone because it was the decent thing to do, can’t you just show me a bit of love, I deserve to feel happiness even if it’s just for an afternoon.

It’s so obvious that 95% of us hold our head in our hands and go who on earth would believe this; why do these men bother. Then someone comes along like the OP and says no, this one was different, he wasn’t just looking for a shag, it wasn’t opportunistic.

He said enough that the OP has come away from the meeting with this guys tragic story of decency playing on her mind, enough so that she comes to mumsnet to write a post about his heart wrenching circumstances. Half a dozen Facebook messages over the next month and she’ll be trying to save him.

He doesn’t want saving, he wants a shag

That poster accused OP of giving him a come on by having a coffee with him, accused her of joining in slagging off his family and implied she might be up for it ("thinks/knows you're easy", itself a rather disgusting way of referring to a sexual woman). I was quite restrained and polite in saying it was a ridiculous post; it was actually offensive, misogynistic, insulting and unintelligent.

@Credittocress actually I won't be exchanging any messages with him. I'll be getting on my flight home tomorrow and going back to my home, family and getting on with my life thankful that I dodged a bullet 20 years ago. Where I live, thankfully I don't encounter these guys ever.

Why are you meeting up with Ex partners and talking about sex when you are married? And then starting forums about the conversation?

your poor husband... have you "settled"?