Partner on a business trip and he texted me this...

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

My partner left for a business trip earlier on today. He knows I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been looking for a job to no avail since January, and I'm feeling pretty shit about myself.

He texted me when he arrived in the country he was going to, that he'd arrived, and that, I quote, 'Im here and the women here are really hot 😍'

Am I being unreasonable to tell him he's being an absolute unfeeling cock. Am I being unreasonable that I told him him that he's really pissed me off and that if they're that hot, he can just go fuck them and fuck himself and fuck off?

His response was: It was a fucking joke, I’m sorry and when the fuck have I ever tried to make you feel insecure or done anything other than try to build you up. You fuck off.

I have decided to trust my partner and always give him a kiss and a wave, and to have a good time, darling, even when he's mixing with loads of super successful, attractive women at the events that he goes to.
Maybe he wants me to be jealous and sad when he goes away. Maybe I'm too laid-back, and he needs more of a reaction? I don't know, but this really isn't good.

yeah it sounds like he actually wants you to be jealous while he’s away and that you being all cool about it and waving him off with a smile isn’t giving his ego the boost he so desperately requires.

The silent treatment, negging and nastiness all point to a man whose ego (& the rest) needs a regular massage, and if it’s not you doing it he’ll find someone else. Dump this one, he’s no good.

I think it was deliberate and possibly your partner found a way to pay you back for not having sex with him before he left. He knows this would be a weak spot because of your ex and that he knew you felt bad about not having sex with him before he left. He's got a mean side and you just saw it.

So no, you weren't in the wrong. Who sends their partner texts about how hot the women are where he is at any time, much less when their partner feeling low about things? Is he a dumbass? So, no, that poke was deliberate. That was no joke and he knows it and you know it.

As for his high sex drive, if a man's going to cheat, you can't fuck him out of cheating.

Knowing he is already familiar with the women from there it feels even more deliberate. Because it’s not like he was taken by surprise regarding the “hot women” there since he was married to a woman from there and has presumably been there before! It’s not exactly a revelation to him.

You keep round in circles with this trying to “figure him out” and it’s up to you what you do next, but the overwhelming consensus here is that he is trying to create insecurity in you and possibly even worse he is being abusive with his use of the silent treatment and DARVO.

If you are unfamiliar with DARVO it’s basically when the offender reverses things to act like they are the victim. So in this situation for example, after he initially provoked and disrespected you with the initial text, then told you to fuck off he has now gone silent in the hope that you will grovel and apologise to him.

I'm sorry what? It most certainly did 🙄

That message wasn’t meant for you - was for his mate

This was my thoughts

I think the focus should be on his original message. Who the bloody hell messages their partner that?

Oh yes -that would certainly make sense.

I just reread, sorry but you did tell him to eff off first, I don’t know, it’s pretty bad on both sides, he shouldn’t have said that if he knows it triggers you but your response was awful and he came back. 5 years is a very short amount of time to be having these back and forths op

I told him to f off in response to him telling me the women are so HOT in the country he'd just arrived in.

Even if I didn't have a cheating ex-husband, and even if my current partner didn't know all the horrendous stuff that I went through at the end of my marriage, I guess I've realised that he just shouldn't be saying that sort of thing to me at all.

With hindsight I should've just ignored and not let him know he'd got to me, which is what I usually do. I shouldn't have risen to the bait.

Also, as several of you have pointed out, was the message even meant for me? I'm really unsure now if the message was even meant for me or for one of the other blokes that was on the work trip with him. My partner's usually quite astute and clever, so it was a big slip-up if it wasn't meant for me.

You were a bit. He could have just been joking..🙄

I’d probably have replied, “oh shame! You don’t stand a chance then”

Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Believe me, I usually bat these things off with a witty response, I don't usually bite, I don't usually rise to the bait, but last night I was really down and feeling really crap and he knew it. I just really didn't find it funny for all the reasons that I've said in the earlier posts.

And he still hasn't been in touch with me since about 10 pm last night after this exchange, when I told him he was insensitive and being a knob. I wonder how long the silent treatment will last this time. I usually cave in and beg him to talk to me. But I'm really trying not to this time. Even though I just want to forget about it all and have a nice, peaceful night and for everything to be okay.

I'm so upset with myself for rising to his inappropriate joke or whatever it was he was doing. If I had just ignored him and not stood up for myself and told him he was being an absolute insensitive knob and to fuck off, then none of this would be happening.

Does he give you the silent treatment often? That’s very childish on his part

Yesmah because he was a twat. Not out of nowhere

So I think we have all concluded he’s cruel and not a nice person, who regularly bullies you and makes you feel small and insecure.

The big question is, what will you do about it?

If I had just ignored him and not stood up for myself and told him he was being an absolute insensitive knob and to fuck off, then none of this would be happening.

OP that’s a shame you feel like that and tbh if that’s your only takeaway from this sorry to say but you haven’t learnt anything of value.

Please clear your mind take a step back from the emotional whirlpool he is pulling you into and read all the comments pointing out his abuse/DARVO tactics. I can see his silent treatment is having an effect on you and you’re spiralling .

I can see why some people think it was meant for his friend and they may be correct but personally I don’t think so. I think he did it deliberately and knows exactly what he’s doing.

Ok so my first thought was that it was either a message intended for someone else or it was based on something you two had discussed previously and laughed about. By the way I would be very hurt by the former but try to balance it with the realisation that he didn't mean to hurt me - assuming he apologised profusely.

However the aftermath is really bad. If there is even a chance he did it to make you feel insecure then there really is no reason to stay with this man. A person can not be both your partner and your opponent. You need a person on your side and in your corner. He seems to have occasional form for this.

On top of that he inflicts you with the silent treatment and you usually cave and beg him to talk to you.

OP I don't know you and you have no reason to trust me but I wish you would pay attention to my next words : this relationship is not making your life better, end it.

op I’m sorry I know everyone’s different and you already answered me above on the eff off thing but I don’t see a big deal with a ‘the women are hot here’ thing. If a couple were comfortable with each other they could comment and joke with each other on this imo

saying that as I said ye don’t seem to be in a good place as a couple

DO NOT cave! I would be so pissed off about this.

So he occasionally makes similar comments? Is he a sex pest? The ‘high sex drive’ often translates as he wants more than you and harassses you. And now the silent treatment? Bloody hell, @GreatPlumBiscuit how many red flags do you need? Do not cave!

I am spiralling, I have asked him over the 5 years to please, please not give me the silent treatment, even if we've had an argument, as it sends me into complete turmoil and he knows how much pain it causes me.

But now I'm blaming myself because I did tell him to fuck off, and I did tell him he was a knob.

I've been on my own all day. I feel like shit about myself. I feel so low. I'm in bed on my own, crying. My dog isn't even here anymore, as he died this summer. I'm having one of the worst times of my life at the moment, and he knows it. I just don't understand why would he make such a comment about the women there being so hot when he knows that I'm struggling with self-image, self-confidence, getting a job, etc., etc. I just wish he would apologise to me for making such a stupid, insensitive joke or remark. Then I would apologise for swearing and getting angry. Then we could move on from this. Instead of turning it into a full-scale drama.

Did you reply to his message?